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#1131219 - 10/05/17 01:09 AM So She Tells Him  
Joined: Dec 2016
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Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Something somewhat new . . .

So She Tells Him

(V) By her side, the tender heart of a soul she can’t surrender.
In his eyes, reflections of fading memories.
Still he talks of younger days,
about a girl he loved back when;
and he wonders where she’s gone—
and so she tells him.

(V) Separate lives, the one he’s got and the one he can’t remember.
Endless nights, she sings the song he always loved to hear.
And he tries to sing along,
just the way he always did,
but he wonders how it goes—
and so she tells him.

(B) And the pictures on the wall
tell of loves and lives of kin,
and of the son they lost in Vietnam.
And she worries when she’s gone
who’s gonna take care of him,
because the cancer’s come,
because her time's near run,
and she don’t have very long.

(V) By her side, on the frozen ground of a cold and wet December;
in his eyes, reflections of the rose upon the grave—
As he stares down at the stone,
a tear rolls from his chin,
and he wonders who she was—
and so I tell him.

(c) DJ Lekich 2017

Last edited by Deej56; 10/13/17 09:16 AM.
#1131223 - 10/05/17 08:24 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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9ne Online content
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Touching. I was assuming Dementia for him. I didn't care for the bridge.
All the best, Mike!

#1131396 - 10/13/17 01:18 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks, Mike. Yes, you're right in your assumption. Curious as to what didn't work for you in the bridge. I'm certainly open to playing with it. My intent was to convey they had a life full of both memories and loss, that she's utterly alone, caring for him, and there's no one else--I'm guessing not a rare circumstance. Perhaps I missed the mark (though I wonder if you are bothered by something that I'm also not entirely content with).

Much appreciated,

Deej

Last edited by Deej56; 10/13/17 09:12 AM.
#1131405 - 10/13/17 07:43 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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I'd reword the bridge.Cancer could be sustituted
WHEN HER ILLNESS HAS WON ETC
Juse a thought
Cheers
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1131411 - 10/13/17 09:15 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks, Travis, that's the line I'm not entirely happy with. I'm thinking I'll go with "because her time's near run". Not as specific, but still enough to convey the point. Hoping that works a little better. Appreciate the suggestion.

Regards,

Deej

#1131480 - 10/18/17 08:14 AM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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This is a really touching story, and it works well in the AABA format (v/v/b/v) that you chose.
I like the way you pull us into the present moment in the last line of V3. it also brings a kind of closure, because it's clear that the woman's hope that someone will look after her husband has been fulfilled.

I feel you could make this nice lyric even stronger with a few adjustments here and there. I've made a few suggestions. Keep or sweep, of course. smile

Donna

[]So She Tells Him

(V1)
By her side, the tender heart of a soul she can’t surrender. I feel the line could be tighter and clearer. The image of 'the tender heart of a soul' is wordy, and sounds odd as being something that's at her side. In general, it's important for the first line in a lyric to have a lot of impact in order to pull the listener right in.
In his eyes, reflections of fading memories.
Still he talks of younger days,
about a girl he loved back when;
and he wonders where she’s gone—
and so she tells him.

(V2)
Separate lives, the one he’s got and the one he can’t remember.
Endless nights, she sings the song he always loved to hear.
And he tries to sing along,
just the way he always did,
but he wonders how it goes—
and so she tells him.

(B) And the pictures on the wall Suggest dropping 'And'. It weakens the immediacy. You could also drop 'the'.
tell of loves and lives of kin,
and of the son they lost in Vietnam. The flow/cadence here breaks down a little. Can you extend the line/thought?
And she worries when she’s gone The chronology could be confusing. Suggest rewording to clarify that she's worrying about the time after she's gone.
who’s gonna take care of him, Might be unclear at a first listen whether this line refers to the man or to the son.
because the cancer’s come,
because her time's near run,
and she don’t have very long. The use of the vernacular ('she don't have') here and in line 5 ('gonna') is distracting, as it's not used elsewhere in the lyric.

Example only of an alternative bridge. Maybe just as a springboard for other ideas.

Bridge
Pictures on the wall
Tell of love and lives and kin
And of their only child
A son they lost in Vietnam
And she hopes that when she’s gone
Someone will step up to look after
The man she’s loved so long
Because her own time’s drawing near
And he’ll still be waiting here


(V3)
By her side, on the frozen ground of a cold and wet December;
in his eyes, reflections of the rose upon the grave—
As he stares down at the stone,
a tear rolls from his chin, A tear would roll from an eye but would be more likely to drop from a chin. Or you could have 'A tear rolls to his chin'.
and he wonders who she was—
and so I tell him.

(c) DJ Lekich 2017


Honour the Earth. Without it, we'd be nowhere.

Life is too important to take seriously.

http://www.reverbnation.com/donnamarilynrichblend

Guild of International Songwriters and Composers


#1131491 - 10/18/17 11:08 PM Re: So She Tells Him [Re: Deej56]  
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Donna,

Thanks so much for taking the time to provide such thoughtful comments. It's so appreciated. As for your specific comments, I'll revisit the first line. I had originally written "the love she can't surrender," but maybe just "the man," as that offers a better transition to "In his eyes".

And then there's the troubled bridge. I understand your comment in the first line, particularly were I just reading this. The challenge is, I write all my lyrics to music, and given the melody, there'd be a gap absent the "And the". Similarly, I'm limited on syllables in the third line, though I love your thought of trying to convey it was their only child. I'll play with that, and incorporate if I can. I'm hoping the fourth line chronologically won't be too confusing since the third establishes the son has died; so the reference to "him" being the son shouldn't make sense--but I appreciate the possibility. On the fifth line, I agree--need to 86 the "gonna'--how about "who's left to take care of him"? Not perfect English from the preceding line, but again, limited syllables.

As for the last two lines of the bridge, I'm inclined to keep the penultimate line as is, but you've convinced me the last line should be revisited. Maybe something like ". . . because her time's near run and he can't live on his own." Not quite right (those darn limited syllables again), but that would be the idea. Will keep working it.

Again, awesome feedback. Thanks much!

Oh, and I had already changed "tear rolls" to "tear falls from his chin"--realized after I posted this and before I recorded a rough version of the tune that change made more sense.

Best regards,

Deej


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