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#1130942 - 09/23/17 03:24 AM Love Goes  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 278
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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So, I was wandering through the JPF forums and came across "Ande's Lyric Writing Tips" thread (all of which are just great). As I read Tip 19 on avoiding cliches, it made me think of the lyric to the song I wrote below. It starts with a couple of cliches in the first verse, which have always made me shiver a bit. But I like how it works with the melody I have for it, and as Ande notes, sometimes a cliche works. So I post this with that in mind, wondering--and seeking your input--whether that first verse (or the rest of it) can stand as is. Thanks in advance for the comments and suggestions.

Love Goes

(V) It’s not your fault, I know;
but I can read the writing on the wall;
you know, they say it’s always
darkest before the fall—
just shows even all the
best things fall apart;
implode before your eyes.
I wonder where it goes—
how love comes to your heart
then disappears.

(C) Restless hearts, restless minds;
say goodbye to what we’ll leave behind.
Reckless thoughts, reckless words—
maybe time will finally heal the hurt.

(Who knows where love goes?)

(V) It’s not my choice to leave;
and I can hear your voice
sound like a symphony,
playing sweet upon
my doubts and empathy—
it’s a melody you’ve played before
to bring me to my knees,
but not anymore,
and so, darling, can’t we please
just let this go.

(C) Restless hearts, restless minds;
say goodbye to what we’ll leave behind.
Reckless thoughts, reckless words—
maybe time will finally heal the hurt.

(Who knows where love goes?)

(B) Too late to turn the hands of time,
to undo what was said,
to undo what we’ve done;
a song can’t be unsung—
no, our time has run.

(C) Restless hearts, restless minds;
say goodbye to what we’ll leave behind.
Reckless thoughts, reckless words;
maybe time will finally heal the hurt.

(Who knows where love goes?)

(c) DJ Lekich 2017

#1130947 - 09/23/17 11:28 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
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lane1777 Offline
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south of the mason,dixon line
and I can tell you thats the way love goes... from experience lol the write is true Dee, sometimes when it ends its not quite ended..both sides have a sharp stick and poke each other a bit....no music? let me know when you get that finished and I`ll come listen. good stuff. Lane


"Grace always pours from a closing wound"
#1131126 - 09/30/17 01:49 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Lane,

Thanks, friend, for stopping in. I do have music for this one, but, as noted, I'm not sure about the first verse, in particular. "Read the writing on the walls" and "darkest before the fall" . . . too cliche? Thing is, the melody (and dare I say vocal) might carry it off--but as a writer, it makes me hesitant. Maybe I'll just put it out on the MP3 thread for what it's worth . . . if I ever get around to recording it

Appreciate the feedback, Lane, as always.

Regards,

Deej

#1131195 - 10/03/17 11:01 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
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south of the mason,dixon line
well it can be, I have trouble with that too, the writing part, sometimes when I hear the melody it helps me with the lyric, there are many ways to say that, and If I can`t` think of some I`ll go find some.....lol

(V) It’s not your fault, I know;
but I can read the writing on the wall; [I can tell you what happens next] [ what this is all about]
you know, they say it’s always
darkest before the fall—...[and then you fall] you`ll think of something, sometimes it takes me days to get what I want on just one line that I try to re-write. I`ll keep an eye out in case you post the song. Lane


"Grace always pours from a closing wound"
#1131205 - 10/04/17 03:25 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
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David Gill Offline
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David Gill  Offline
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Buffalo, NY
That first verse... here's my think:

It’s not your fault, I know;
but I can read the writing on the wall;
you know, they say it’s always
darkest before the fall— <--- the actual term is "darkest before the dawn"
just shows even all the
best things fall apart; <---- another use of the word "fall". Seems redundant. Also, rhyming words out of sync (wall - always - fall - all - fall)
implode before your eyes. <--- an implosion means to collapse inward, a contrast to the previous line about falling apart.
I wonder where it goes—
WHEN love ENTERS your heart <---- change
then disappears.



These are just my immediate thoughts . KoS... :-)


Peace,

Dave


"Where there's a Gill, there's a way"
#1131218 - 10/05/17 12:10 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Lane and David, thanks for kindly affirming what I think I already knew. I have to rewrite the first verse if this song has any chance to work. The thing is, I typically write my lyrics and music together. I think it makes it harder for me to let go of the lyrics, because they fit so cleanly with the melody . . . Alas. Still, your comments have convinced me to rewrite the whole first verse, salvaging a line or two. Will share when I get there.

A couple of specific call outs:

Lane, nice approach to rethinking lyrics. I'll be sure to use that in the rewrite and going forward.

David, yeah, "darkest before the dawn" is right. On the bright side, though, "darkest before the fall" is not the cliche I thought it was, so there's that. smile Agree with "implode"--actually I've gone back and forth between that and "erode"; the latter seems to work better, but I think both will go in the rewrite. As for the rhyme scheme, I understand your comment based on just reading the lyrics, but I pretty confident that the melody carries the internal rhymes. Also, I get your last suggested change, but I'm inclined to stay with "How love comes to your heart" rather than "When love enters your heart," which feels more mechanical and less emotional--that's just me though. Really appreciate your thoughtful comments and taking the time to respond. Thanks much.

All the best,

Deej

#1131233 - 10/05/17 02:01 PM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
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David Gill Offline
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Hey Deej,

I like 'erode', too. I understand what you're sayin' about the rhyme scheme fitting your melody. Makes perfect sense. I do that too. :-) The whole "love to heart" thing was throwing me. I can see where my sugg reads a little mechanical. Stick with what you're comfortable with. All in all you have a really nice write here. I look forward to hearing that melody with it.

Peace,

Dave


"Where there's a Gill, there's a way"
#1131316 - 10/09/17 03:54 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
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Love what's that lol a thing of the past Lane sadly!
Some good feedback here best of luck with it
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1131394 - 10/13/17 12:14 AM Re: Love Goes [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Thanks, Travis, and again, Dave, for your input. I'm curious given your great feedback what I'll do with this, if anything. But I do like the sound of it, so I'll see what I can do lyrically to at least the first verse stronger. Thanks so much for your comments.

Deej


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