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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,118 Likes: 15
Top 500 Poster
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OP
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,118 Likes: 15 |
Looking for someone to put music and vocals to my lyrics.
I’d never do to you
Verse You turned my smile upside down Replaced it with this frown. You put this sad face on me. You made this man your clown. These tears are mine not make up. The hurt you see is real. You tease me and torment me. You don’t care how I feel. Chorus I’m confused, you’re amused To see me feel so blue. The things you say and do. I’d never do to you. Verse You made a game of my shame. Rejoice that I feel pain; Make me feel less than a man. What’s there for you to gain? These tears are mine not face paint. Why do you put me down? Can’t you see oh can’t you see Why I still hang around. Bridge I’m a fool, I’m a fool To love so cruel a heart. You make me out a clown And I play the part. Chorus I’m confused, you’re amused To see me feel so blue. The things you say and do. I’d never do to you. Verse You turned my smile upside down Replaced it with this frown. You put this sad face on me. You made this man your clown. These tears are mine not make up. The hurt you see is real. You tease me and torment me. You don’t care how I feel. Chorus I’m confused, you’re amused To see me feel so blue. The things you say and do. I’d never do to you.
Ckiphen
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Hello Stranger as someone once said. Basically you need to keep posting to get collabs! Get to know other members comment on their work. As a suggestion, you have used clown in one of the verses. Find an alternative for the bridge. Regards Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1
Top 200 Poster
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Top 200 Poster
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,385 Likes: 1 |
Stranger,
First off, welcome to JPF!! There's a lot to like in this effort, and you have the makings of a fine lyric. To me, there some aspects of this that read more poetic than lyric--i.e., the language can work in a poem, but isn't sufficiently conversational for a song. That is, if I were to try to put this to music, I'd have to change a lot of the lines to fit whatever melody I may come up with. Also, think about modifying structure, as you have V, C, V, Bridge . . . which is a bit unique (thought everything works regardless depending on what you have in mind). Lastly, I'm a total amateur, and please take my feedback as such. Again, there's some solid lines here--keep sharing, please!
Regards,
Deej
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