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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Jul 2010
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Hi all! It's been awhile but stress has again brought me back to writing. A few in my support group really liked this so I thought I'd get some opinions and tips to improve it. The song is not meant to be specific but rather to allow more to relate, regardless of their personal battles. I do have a tune at this time but can't sing.
V1 When the odds are stacked against me do I sink like a stone? Do I run with arms wide open to embrace some great unknown? How I handle my battles and each fight along the way maybe leads to loss and surrender or can bring a brighter new day
Chorus So I'm going to try I'm ready to fly I will soar despite the pain though some days I will cry But this battle must be won and I've really just begun so I'll never give up until all of the odds I defy
V2 When the darkness falls around me do I hide and shake with fright? Do I walk with faith through shadows 'til I find a source of light? Starting out on this journey many times I've felt alone But new friends encourage me onward and each day's one more stepping stone
Chorus So I'm going to try I'm ready to fly I will soar despite the pain though some days I will cry But this battle must be won and I've really just begun so I'll never give up until all of the odds I defy
Bridge I'me weakened and weary but push on and live Perhaps by example some faith I can give
Chorus So I'm going to try I'm ready to fly I will soar despite the pain though some days I will cry
But this battle must be won and I've really just begun so I'll never give up until all of the odds I defy
Jennifer "Jinx" Shaner ©2017
Last edited by Jen Shaner; 07/22/17 01:42 PM.
Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
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Hi jen Good lyric there seems to be a word missing on v1 line 1 AGAINST maybe? Welcome back Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi Travis! Thanks for catching that...went back and added the word in..
Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
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Jen,
This is a compelling write poetically, very focused in tone and execution. I wonder a bit though how it would translate to song—in that a lot of this works for poetry, but may not translate as smoothly to song lyric. For example, there’s some passive voice that could trip up a melody—e.g., “until all the odds I defy”; and “some faith I can give”. I’d be curious as to what tune you have in mind, as I think the lyrics may need to be shaped a bit around the melody. But as it stands, this is a well done piece that could easily translate to song. I really enjoyed reading and commenting on it. Nice job!
Best regards,
Deej
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As I was reading this, I was thinking exactly what Deej wrote. It's a lovely and nicely written sentiment and seems appropriate as it stands...a poem.
My only suggestion would be to title it "Stepping Stone" and work that into your chorus, if you want it to be a song...or a poem. Comes out of your verse. Pleasant metaphor that evokes a clear mental image.
Martin
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Hi Deej! Hi Martin! Thanks for your feedback. I actually started the write and changed it as I developed the melody. I have sung it numerous times without tripping up and recorded myself singing it for my support group, but hate my voice...choke when I try to sing loud enough for human ears too...
I like the title Stepping Stone but not sure how to work it into the chorus...Though I do know songs that the title isn't clearly used. It's a thought though.I appreciate the kind words and suggestions!
Jen
Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
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