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#1129210 - 07/21/17 06:28 PM Going To Try- Working Title  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Jen Shaner Offline
Top 200 Poster
Jen Shaner  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Appomattox Va
Hi all! It's been awhile but stress has again brought me back to writing. A few in my support group really liked this so I thought I'd get some opinions and tips to improve it. The song is not meant to be specific but rather to allow more to relate, regardless of their personal battles. I do have a tune at this time but can't sing.


V1
When the odds are stacked against me
do I sink like a stone?
Do I run with arms wide open
to embrace some great unknown?
How I handle my battles
and each fight along the way
maybe leads to loss and surrender
or can bring a brighter new day

Chorus
So I'm going to try
I'm ready to fly
I will soar despite the pain
though some days I will cry
But this battle must be won
and I've really just begun
so I'll never give up until all of the odds I defy

V2
When the darkness falls around me
do I hide and shake with fright?
Do I walk with faith through shadows
'til I find a source of light?
Starting out on this journey
many times I've felt alone
But new friends encourage me onward
and each day's one more stepping stone


Chorus
So I'm going to try
I'm ready to fly
I will soar despite the pain
though some days I will cry
But this battle must be won
and I've really just begun
so I'll never give up until all of the odds I defy

Bridge
I'me weakened and weary
but push on and live
Perhaps by example
some faith I can give

Chorus
So I'm going to try
I'm ready to fly
I will soar despite the pain
though some days I will cry

But this battle must be won
and I've really just begun
so I'll never give up until all of the odds I defy


Jennifer "Jinx" Shaner ©2017

Last edited by Jen Shaner; 07/22/17 12:42 PM.

Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#1129221 - 07/22/17 06:26 AM Re: Going To Try- Working Title [Re: Jen Shaner]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 10,375
Travis david Online content
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Travis david  Online Content
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 10,375
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi jen
Good lyric there seems to be a word missing on v1 line 1 AGAINST maybe?
Welcome back
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1129233 - 07/22/17 12:45 PM Re: Going To Try- Working Title [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Jen Shaner Offline
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Jen Shaner  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Appomattox Va
Hi Travis! Thanks for catching that...went back and added the word in..


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
#1129314 - 07/25/17 11:27 PM Re: Going To Try- Working Title [Re: Jen Shaner]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 351
Jen,

This is a compelling write poetically, very focused in tone and execution. I wonder a bit though how it would translate to song—in that a lot of this works for poetry, but may not translate as smoothly to song lyric. For example, there’s some passive voice that could trip up a melody—e.g., “until all the odds I defy”; and “some faith I can give”. I’d be curious as to what tune you have in mind, as I think the lyrics may need to be shaped a bit around the melody. But as it stands, this is a well done piece that could easily translate to song. I really enjoyed reading and commenting on it. Nice job!

Best regards,

Deej

#1129352 - 07/27/17 06:57 AM Re: Going To Try- Working Title [Re: Jen Shaner]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 885
Martin Lide Offline
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Martin Lide  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 885
Houston, Texas
As I was reading this, I was thinking exactly what Deej wrote. It's a lovely and nicely written sentiment and seems appropriate as it stands...a poem.

My only suggestion would be to title it "Stepping Stone" and work that into your chorus, if you want it to be a song...or a poem. Comes out of your verse. Pleasant metaphor that evokes a clear mental image.

Martin

#1129444 - 07/31/17 06:15 PM Re: Going To Try- Working Title [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Jen Shaner Offline
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Jen Shaner  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,373
Appomattox Va
Hi Deej! Hi Martin! Thanks for your feedback. I actually started the write and changed it as I developed the melody. I have sung it numerous times without tripping up and recorded myself singing it for my support group, but hate my voice...choke when I try to sing loud enough for human ears too...

I like the title Stepping Stone but not sure how to work it into the chorus...Though I do know songs that the title isn't clearly used. It's a thought though.I appreciate the kind words and suggestions!

Jen


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner

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