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#1128851 - 07/05/17 02:37 AM Where My Heart Used to Be  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 552
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Ever write a song you kinda like, but also kinda don't? I've been back and forth on this one for a while--finally decided to lay it down and let it fly, as I'm out of ideas. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

Where My Heart Use to Be

We stare across the rooftops,
you touch my hand and time stops,
and the city wind, it feels warm again.
Your fingers interlace with mine
and your every wordís a lullaby
that the whole you sings.

Your sweet song leaves me wanting more,
but you know Iíve been hurt before.

The sounds fade from the avenue
and the city turns to neon blue,
and these concrete walls donít seem real at all.
And your every moveís a melody,
a funky groove of mystery,
and I fight to fall.

So tragic how loveís left me so caged,
but your magic could let me loose again.

So take your fire and help me forge the key
to unlock these doors and set me free.
Let your love song wash all over me
because Iím nothing till you help me fill
this cold and empty place
where my heart used to be.

You sing to me like nothing has,
in rhythmed beats of gypsy jazz,
soft and slow, in shades of indigo.
And there under the moon and stars,
in the still of night I wonder who you are,
And I tell you so.

This sadness is all Iíve ever seen,
but your song makes me dare to dream.

I never knew you could feel this strong;
holding you helps me heal all thatís wrong.

Yeah youíre warm and sweet embrace
just might help rescue me;
and fill this cold and empty place
where my heart used to be.

(c) DJ Lekich 2017

Last edited by Deej56; 07/18/17 10:20 PM. Reason: Remove Link to SoundCloud
#1128852 - 07/05/17 04:13 AM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,424
Calvin Online content
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Calvin  Online Content
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Hello deej

I especially like this part.......

So take your fire and help me forge the key
to unlock these doors and set me free.
Let your love song wash all over me
because Iím nothing till you help me fill
this cold and empty place
where my heart used to be.

and this....

soft and slow, in shades of indigo.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#1128873 - 07/05/17 08:57 PM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2008
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Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Not sure what it is that you're not happy with, Deej, but I think most of it works. There are a couple of lines like these:

that the whole you sings

and I fight to fall

I never knew you could feel this strong

I get the gist but they feel forced to me.

I really like the feel of the music and the g/v suits the lyrics well. Nicely done.

Ricki

#1129048 - 07/15/17 01:00 AM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks Calvin and Ricki. I wonder if thereís a way to respond to folks without bumping up the threadówasnít keen on doing soóbut I couldnít not thank you both for taking the time to listen and comment. Much appreciated.

Ricki, I wish I could put my finger on it. I worry that the ďsongĒ metaphor is overdone. I wonder if the ďtake your fireĒ lyric has no connection to the other lyrics. I think the bridge is soft (as you point out with the first line), and I wonder if I should go high vocally or stay low on the bridge end. Lots of things really. Some aspects I really like, but overall just doesnít feel like it comes together and Iím not sure how to make it better. Thanks for your suggestions.

Deej

#1129119 - 07/17/17 11:06 PM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,694
Michael Zaneski Offline
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Hey Deej,

Strong points are your vocals and words. You could front a loud rock band and cut through any mix with your voice and great pitch.

Pay attention to how you're phrasing "forge a key" --you are singing "for, ja, key" ..it's a lot easier to be confused by that (as I listened without reading I was thinking, "for what? for jockey?" I think if you stick with "forge the key" that "the" will help you sing "forge" as one complete word/note and then the meaning you intented will be 100% understood.

The bass meanders a bit, and the overall recording needs a little depth, but you'll figure all that out as you go. You've got the goods to be a strong singer-songwriter.

Mike

Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 07/17/17 11:07 PM.

Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#1129144 - 07/18/17 07:11 PM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 954
Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Houston, Texas
DJ

I always like your stuff because I like the sound of your voice.

Not crazy about this song though. It's a personal outlook of mine...you give me many things to think about, butyou never put me anywhere and leave me there long enough to breathe something in.

You sing to me like nothing has,
in rhythmed beats of gypsy jazz,
soft and slow, in shades of indigo.
And there under the moon and stars,
in the still of night I wonder who you are,
And I tell you so.

I know what gypsies and rhythm and the color indigo are but nothing tangible forms in my mind when I listen to the 2nd and 3rd lines.

In a song like this, I think that the images that you use need to easily form something relatable in the listener's mind. And in subsequent verses you need to be moving to new information rather than just re-stating the same thing with different metaphors.

I only know how to tell someone how to write...like I write. I am not a scholar or an expert on creative writing. But I sincerely hope any of that is useful. If not, please don't take any offense. None was meant.

Beyond that, per Mike, your guitar and your voice don't sound like they are "in the same room." Easy to fix.

Martin





#1129150 - 07/18/17 09:48 PM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Michael Zaneski]  
Joined: Dec 2016
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Deej56 Offline
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Thanks, Mike, for the feedback and encouraging words. Phrasing is something I have to focus on more when singing--it's a comment I'll keep in mind going forward. Still an awful lot to figure out as I go. Only way to get better, though, is to keep trying--every failures a learning experience. :-)

Best regards,

Deej

#1129151 - 07/18/17 10:00 PM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Martin Lide]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Martin,

Appreciate the thoughtful feedback on this on (you should never be hesitant--it's always appreciated). As noted, this is one I'm all that crazy about either. Your critique is spot on, and you do a much better job of articulating its deficiencies than I did above; particularly as to the third verse. The metaphor gets tired by then, and, as you say, there's nothing more to pull the listener in. The parts on this one are only slightly better than the whole, and I kind of knew that. But the feedback by all above are still helpful as there are other (and hopefully better) songs to write! :-)

Best regards

Deej

#1129152 - 07/18/17 10:24 PM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Deej56]  
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NOTE from DEEJ:

Hi, all: I appreciate you trying to stop in for a listen. I received some great feedback on this one and it definitely needs to be revisited. To lessen the chance of this thread being bumped up, I've removed the link to the song. This way, other, more recent posts can get a deserving listen. If one day I have a breakthrough on this one, I'll update the thread. Thanks again to Calvin, Ricki, Mike and Martin below for some helpful comments. Always appreciated.

Kind regards to all,

Deej

#1129153 - 07/18/17 11:37 PM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2007
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Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Houston, Texas
Originally Posted by Deej56
Martin,

Appreciate the thoughtful feedback on this on (you should never be hesitant--it's always appreciated). As noted, this is one I'm all that crazy about either. Your critique is spot on, and you do a much better job of articulating its deficiencies than I did above; particularly as to the third verse. The metaphor gets tired by then, and, as you say, there's nothing more to pull the listener in. The parts on this one are only slightly better than the whole, and I kind of knew that. But the feedback by all above are still helpful as there are other (and hopefully better) songs to write! :-)

Best regards

Deej


DJ

You have what some people consider as the most important things that a songwriter needs in order to deliver their intent...the ability to sing and a naturally compelling timbre.

FWIW2U...my suggestions...

Concentrate on regulating your vocal delivery. Don't just go with what feels good, but compose it and step back from it.

Write to a standard "hit" structure for a while...VCVCBC. Make youir point or tell your story quickly. Move the story from V1 to V2 with something new for the listener. Bring it to climax in the chorus. Use that formula to establish in your own mind what "your voice" is and then, let "your voice" find its natural structure.

In the songwriting world, I am no one, but I think that is good advice.

Most importantly...enjoy songwriting and let it enrich your life.

Martin

#1129155 - 07/18/17 11:50 PM Re: Where My Heart Used to Be [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
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Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Martin,

Also great advice that I'll aspire to follow. Let's see what I can come up with next as I keep it in mind. Thanks for taking the time to provide the follow up and for the continued encouragement--really appreciate it!

Deej


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