13 members (Bill Draper, Fdemetrio, JAPOV, couchgrouch, ckiphen, Gary E. Andrews, Gavin Sinclair, Guy E. Trepanier, 3 invisible),
1,137
guests, and
326
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Leafs
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/05/24 01:49 PM
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2 |
I deliver flowers a few times a year during the peak periods. The shop I deliver for has one lady who receives flowers quite frequently from one gentleman, and very often I was the one who got the call to go to this delivery. It is in a workplace where only the receiving department is allowed to sign for such packages. Therefore I never saw the lady who was the recipient of these so frequent flower deliveries, making it seem like I know her even though I've never seen her face, thus the inspiration for this piece.
I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU (THOUGH I’VE NEVER SEEN YOUR FACE)
c2014 Brian Beecher
It was a bright sunny morning And as I loaded flowers in my car I noticed first and foremost Your name on the tag before I could go far
As I reached for the door handle A funny feeling would come over me I’d leave the package on the table But your face I wouldn’t see
I feel like I know you The flowers I deliver say it all And I wonder how you’re doing Every time I make the call
The packages sent from one Who wants you to be his valentine And if I were to meet you Would I end up wishing you were mine
I’ll drop the flowers in the room Then I’ll drive away to the next place I’ll be wondering about you Though I won’t get to see your face
I feel like I know you The flowers I deliver say it all And I wonder how you’re doing Every time I make the call
I feel like I know you You’re probably a lady full of grace I have been having thoughts about you Though I’ve never seen your face
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 118
Serious Contributor
|
Serious Contributor
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 118 |
This is an interesting piece and has some great potential with just a little bit of editing and adding a little mystery. Again, only suggestions and it is fine if you don't like them but I think that it reads a little better and helps bring the listener into the mind of the singer instead of relating a story. Here's how I see it:
A bright sunny morning Loaded (the) flowers in my car I noticed it right away Your name on the tag before I got far
I reached for the door handle An eerie feeling came over me I’d leave the bouquet on the table But your face I wouldn’t see
I feel like I know you The flowers I deliver say it all I wonder how you’re doing Every time I get that call
The packages sent from one Who wants to be your valentine So if I were to meet you Would you end up being mine
I’ll leave the flowers in the room And drive off to the next place Always wondering about you Never getting to see your face (I don't know as this verse adds anything)
I feel like I know you The flowers I deliver say it all I wonder how you’re doing Every time I get that call
I feel like I know you My ghostly lady full of grace I've been thinking a lot about you Having never seen your face
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Top 30 Poster
|
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712 |
A novel idea, that you can come to know a person by the flowers they send and receive.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Great opportunity for a lyric Brian good story.It's the every day things that make the best lyrics! Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2
Top 100 Poster
|
OP
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,878 Likes: 2 |
I am still in the midst of reposting all the lyrics I had written to my new flash drive. Being that there is nearly a quarter century full of the them at an average of 60+ per year makes the task a bit daunting. Now that I have come to this one I can share an update on this true story. I had learned that this lady ended up marrying the man who sent all the flowers and relocated with him to Texas from here in the Chicago area. She was really one of the bigwigs at the company she worked at, and she gave it all up to began a new life. Have no idea, however, as to if she began a new career in her new locale or what.
Last edited by beechnut79; 07/06/17 10:23 AM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,164 Likes: 5
Top 25 Poster
|
Top 25 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,164 Likes: 5 |
Hi Brian...I rarely critique but I thought I could offer some worthwhile advice here.
1) if I hadn't read your intro I wouldn't know what the lyric was about until the chorus. l could piece it together but for a lyric like this, it's too vague. Just say he delivers flowers in the verse and say something more meaningful with that line in the chorus.
I don't like using my own stuff as an example but here goes...look at the first vs of People Who Don't Wanna Be Found. Before the chorus we learn the narrator was a cop who lost his job because he hurt a criminal who hurt a woman. Now he's a PI. That sets up the rest of the story. You have eight lines before your first ch. Choose your words carefully and say as much as you can with as few words as possible. Listen to how much info Robbie Robertson packs into the first vs of The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.
2) the lyric meters poorly. It would hard to put a strong melody to it. That's common for internet lyrics.
Hope that helps.
Last edited by couchgrouch; 07/08/17 03:03 PM.
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,750
Posts1,161,264
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"When will we all, as artists, creators and facilitators learn that the so-called experts in our lives are nothing more than someone who has stepped forward and called themselves an expert?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
|
|