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#1128292 - 06/07/17 01:10 AM Simple  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 219
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 219
Not sure I'll ever get around to recording this folk-like tune, but I'm interested in any feedback folks have time to provide. A song about having to live the rat race, but wanting more. Thanks much in advance.

Simple

(V) Playing the odds as a matter of course
or praying to godsódonít know which way is worse,
for something at least, maybe nothing at most;
such is the haunting of gray-suited ghosts.

(C) And they say thereís a calling for those who stand still,
to search for the hunger and thirst for the kill.
If you donít do something then someone else will.
But itís not that simple.
No, itís not that simple.
Must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(V) Soldiers of fortune, brokers of fame,
selling their souls just to get in the game.
All searching the crowds for that one fatal flawó
hey, look at them bleed as they scratch and they claw.

(C) And they say thereís a calling for those who stand still,
to search for the hunger and thirst for the kill.
If you donít do something then someone else will.
But itís not that simple.
No, itís not that simple.
Must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(B) Waiting for someone to give you a chance
when itís really not worth waiting for.
Desperately needing a kick in the pants,
but itís so hard to go
for what you know ainít worth going for.
No, itís not that simple.
No, itís not simple.
There must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(V) So ease the resistance, loosen the drag;
cease your persistence and waive the white flag.
For thereís no other course when surrender is bestó
you bury your conscience and damn all the rest.

(C) And they say thereís a calling for those who stand still,
to search for the hunger and thirst for the kill.
If you donít do something then someone else will.
But itís not that simple.
No, itís not that simple.
Must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(B) Waiting for someone to give you a chance
when itís really not worth waiting for.
Desperately needing a kick in the pants,
but itís so hard to go
for what you know ainít worth going for.
No, itís not simple.
No, itís just not that simple.
There must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(c) DJ Lekich (2017)

#1128303 - 06/07/17 09:33 PM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,964
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,964
Eugene, Or USA
I really like this Deej,

Too many great thoughts and lines in this one!

Geneva

#1128408 - 06/12/17 04:20 PM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 12,995
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 12,995
Louisiana
cool lyrics!"kick in the pants",i was looking for something stronger to go with the rest of those great lines. Mike

#1128505 - 06/16/17 12:04 AM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 219
Deej56 Offline
Serious Contributor
Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 219
Thanks Geneva and Michael. This is actually an older song I wrote before I picked the guitar back up again. Iím trying to write shorter more accessible lyrics, and steer away from the poeticóbut there it is.

Michael, great comment on ďkick in the pantsĒónever quite saw it as soft, but I see what you mean. Will give it a think. Maybe ďdesperately needing to face circumstanceĒ but that's so blah. I get the feeling if I ever get around to recording it, your comment will totally frustrate me! smirk

Regards to you both,

Deej

#1128540 - 06/17/17 11:04 AM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 806
Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 806
Houston, Texas
"(V) Soldiers of fortune, brokers of fame,
selling their souls just to get in the game.
All searching the crowds for that one fatal flawó
hey, look at them bleed as they scratch and they claw."

This is my favorite passage in this writing. I think that it sums up what you have to say very nicely and it is easy to follow what you mean. Essentially seems another way of expressing crabs in a bucket pulling each other down.

Overall I get what you are after but I have a hard time "staying in" what you write because the metaphors and images seem too personal and obscured.

For example...your lead in...

"(V) Playing the odds as a matter of course
or praying to godsódonít know which way is worse,
for something at least, maybe nothing at most;
such is the haunting of gray-suited ghosts."

I'm pretty sure that I "get" that but not real sure that I get it. In a poem like this I think that you should be certain that the reader fully understands the intro paragraph.

Hope that helps at al.

Martin

#1128603 - 06/21/17 12:29 AM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 219
Deej56 Offline
Serious Contributor
Deej56  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 219
Martin,

You are spot on with your comments and this exemplifies a flaw I have as to lyrics: I tend to be more poetic, which doesnít typically work in song. I've turned back to songwriting in the last year or so and have tried to focus on more approachable lyrics. To date, I'd say some hits and mostly misses. But I like to think I'm a work in progress. smile

Still, there are some lyrics IĎve penned from older daysólike this oneóthat have some nice lines. Just hate to never let them see the light of day in some form. So while i donít see myself sharing a recording of this, it's still instructive to get everyone's feedback with the opportunity to learn for future efforts. And so from time to time, I might throw some of this stuff out.

Thanks as always for taking the time to comment.

P.S. JPF must be awful slow these daysóyou deserve far more feedback than youíve received on ďOne Night Stole ForeverĒ. Anxiously awaiting the tune!

Best regards,

Deej

#1128609 - 06/21/17 09:03 AM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 806
Martin Lide Online content
Top 500 Poster
Martin Lide  Online Content
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 806
Houston, Texas
Originally Posted by Deej56
Martin,

P.S. JPF must be awful slow these daysóyou deserve far more feedback than youíve received on ďOne Night Stole ForeverĒ. Anxiously awaiting the tune!

Best regards,

Deej


Comments are free and voluntary. The song may not float people's boats. If you like it and Mike Z likes it...that's plenty for me.
Thanks for saying so. smile

Back to your writing...Personally, I used to be very resistant to writing in "everyday language." I thought that it was limiting, but I've grown to enjoy it a great deal. When I am writing songs (or anything), they feel more personal and immersed in the real world in everyday language..


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