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#1128292 - 06/07/17 01:10 AM Simple  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 278
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
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Not sure I'll ever get around to recording this folk-like tune, but I'm interested in any feedback folks have time to provide. A song about having to live the rat race, but wanting more. Thanks much in advance.

Simple

(V) Playing the odds as a matter of course
or praying to gods—don’t know which way is worse,
for something at least, maybe nothing at most;
such is the haunting of gray-suited ghosts.

(C) And they say there’s a calling for those who stand still,
to search for the hunger and thirst for the kill.
If you don’t do something then someone else will.
But it’s not that simple.
No, it’s not that simple.
Must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(V) Soldiers of fortune, brokers of fame,
selling their souls just to get in the game.
All searching the crowds for that one fatal flaw—
hey, look at them bleed as they scratch and they claw.

(C) And they say there’s a calling for those who stand still,
to search for the hunger and thirst for the kill.
If you don’t do something then someone else will.
But it’s not that simple.
No, it’s not that simple.
Must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(B) Waiting for someone to give you a chance
when it’s really not worth waiting for.
Desperately needing a kick in the pants,
but it’s so hard to go
for what you know ain’t worth going for.
No, it’s not that simple.
No, it’s not simple.
There must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(V) So ease the resistance, loosen the drag;
cease your persistence and waive the white flag.
For there’s no other course when surrender is best—
you bury your conscience and damn all the rest.

(C) And they say there’s a calling for those who stand still,
to search for the hunger and thirst for the kill.
If you don’t do something then someone else will.
But it’s not that simple.
No, it’s not that simple.
Must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(B) Waiting for someone to give you a chance
when it’s really not worth waiting for.
Desperately needing a kick in the pants,
but it’s so hard to go
for what you know ain’t worth going for.
No, it’s not simple.
No, it’s just not that simple.
There must be more to this life
in the aims and desires of the heart.

(c) DJ Lekich (2017)

#1128303 - 06/07/17 09:33 PM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,964
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
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Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,964
Eugene, Or USA
I really like this Deej,

Too many great thoughts and lines in this one!

Geneva

#1128408 - 06/12/17 04:20 PM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,021
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Posts: 13,021
Louisiana
cool lyrics!"kick in the pants",i was looking for something stronger to go with the rest of those great lines. Mike

#1128505 - 06/16/17 12:04 AM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 278
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 278
Thanks Geneva and Michael. This is actually an older song I wrote before I picked the guitar back up again. I’m trying to write shorter more accessible lyrics, and steer away from the poetic—but there it is.

Michael, great comment on “kick in the pants”—never quite saw it as soft, but I see what you mean. Will give it a think. Maybe “desperately needing to face circumstance” but that's so blah. I get the feeling if I ever get around to recording it, your comment will totally frustrate me! smirk

Regards to you both,

Deej

#1128540 - 06/17/17 11:04 AM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 858
Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 858
Houston, Texas
"(V) Soldiers of fortune, brokers of fame,
selling their souls just to get in the game.
All searching the crowds for that one fatal flaw—
hey, look at them bleed as they scratch and they claw."

This is my favorite passage in this writing. I think that it sums up what you have to say very nicely and it is easy to follow what you mean. Essentially seems another way of expressing crabs in a bucket pulling each other down.

Overall I get what you are after but I have a hard time "staying in" what you write because the metaphors and images seem too personal and obscured.

For example...your lead in...

"(V) Playing the odds as a matter of course
or praying to gods—don’t know which way is worse,
for something at least, maybe nothing at most;
such is the haunting of gray-suited ghosts."

I'm pretty sure that I "get" that but not real sure that I get it. In a poem like this I think that you should be certain that the reader fully understands the intro paragraph.

Hope that helps at al.

Martin

#1128603 - 06/21/17 12:29 AM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 278
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 278
Martin,

You are spot on with your comments and this exemplifies a flaw I have as to lyrics: I tend to be more poetic, which doesn’t typically work in song. I've turned back to songwriting in the last year or so and have tried to focus on more approachable lyrics. To date, I'd say some hits and mostly misses. But I like to think I'm a work in progress. smile

Still, there are some lyrics I‘ve penned from older days—like this one—that have some nice lines. Just hate to never let them see the light of day in some form. So while i don’t see myself sharing a recording of this, it's still instructive to get everyone's feedback with the opportunity to learn for future efforts. And so from time to time, I might throw some of this stuff out.

Thanks as always for taking the time to comment.

P.S. JPF must be awful slow these days—you deserve far more feedback than you’ve received on “One Night Stole Forever”. Anxiously awaiting the tune!

Best regards,

Deej

#1128609 - 06/21/17 09:03 AM Re: Simple [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 858
Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 858
Houston, Texas
Originally Posted by Deej56
Martin,

P.S. JPF must be awful slow these days—you deserve far more feedback than you’ve received on “One Night Stole Forever”. Anxiously awaiting the tune!

Best regards,

Deej


Comments are free and voluntary. The song may not float people's boats. If you like it and Mike Z likes it...that's plenty for me.
Thanks for saying so. smile

Back to your writing...Personally, I used to be very resistant to writing in "everyday language." I thought that it was limiting, but I've grown to enjoy it a great deal. When I am writing songs (or anything), they feel more personal and immersed in the real world in everyday language..


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