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#1127873 - 05/18/17 11:48 PM Left Too Soon  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 278
Deej56 Offline
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Deej56  Offline
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Hi, all--my latest offering. I enlisted a buddy of mine to lay down some bass and orchestra (via keyboards) on this one, and it's really just a rough take. But before I impose more on a very good friend to put more work into this, I thought I'd solicit your kind suggestions. So, for what it's worth, here it is:

Left Too Soon

In the quiet calm of midnight, I stagger back
with a photograph and another glass of Johnny Black.
How I’ve tried to blur every thought of her and a life in ruin.
She was all that I had left, and she left me too soon.

I haunt this empty bedroom like some soulless ghost,
lost in seas of misery and self-reproach.
Am I doomed to drown in the lonely sound of a silent room?
She was all that I had left, and she left me too soon.

And how I tried to change her mind;
and how I cried myself near blind.
But she just smiled at me and said she’s tired of hanging on.
So in her finest summer dress,
I laid my love to rest,
but she was all that I had left.

By the time the morning comes, I’ll be good and gone.
I’m gonna leave behind the bitter rinds of a life gone wrong.
I’m gonna take with me just the memories of a love in bloom.
She was all that I had left—
and until my dying breath—
she’ll be all that I had left, and she left me too soon.

(c) 2017 DJ Lekich

Guitar and Lead Vocal--DJ Lekich
Bass and Keyboards--PF Stanley

#1127876 - 05/19/17 09:05 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2007
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Martin Lide Online content
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DJ
I like the way that you write and the way that you sound.

Suggestions...

I would manage that pleading emphasis more, where you run up your voice. And not use it quite as much. I know that it feels good and sounds good, but using it a lot imo robs the song of one or two or three good climactic points.

The guitar rhythm is somewhat of an uneven trickle and at times I think that it drags on the vocal melody. Some "rakes" might smooth that out and make the song a little richer.

Hope any of that helps. Like the tune.

Martin

#1127887 - 05/20/17 07:18 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Nov 2010
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Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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UK
I like this melody and the lyrics are simple but they work.
My only suggestion is to hold back on the vocal emotion at the start and increase it gradually through the song so the listener can feel the desperation building.
An loose example of this technique would be Roy Orbison's "Running Scared".

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.
http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold
#1127963 - 05/23/17 12:19 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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Thanks as always Martin and Vic. Great comments! When I redo the vocals, I'll hold back on going up on "misery" in the second verse and keep it more subdued. My instincts originally was to make the second verse a little different from the first, but I hear and agree with what you I think you are both saying.

Martin, I'll need to think about adding an additional track to add some "rakes" that might add the depth your looking for--agree it may add some depth. I'm thinking I'll add a single violin to the second verse, which may also help.

Really appreciate your astute comments.

Best--Deej

#1128033 - 05/26/17 09:26 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Feb 2005
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Dave Rice Online content
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Dave Rice  Online Content
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Texas
Hi DJ:

I've been wanting to find time to give this track a listen... and I wasn't disappointed. If you are anything like me... and most writers, you know at least a dozen places you'll make a little change or two... but this one can stand on it's own two legs just the way it is... depending on your purpose for it's future. Like Martin, I like the way you write... and I like the way you sing. For a rough cut... this one can wrap itself around you... and drown you in it's lost opportunity at life's process of love.

Best of luck with it... and if you do a re-cut... "keep me on your mailing list." ----Dave

#1128055 - 05/26/17 08:41 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2008
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Ricki E. Bellos Online content
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Nicely done DJ. My only nit is with the last line of the bridge. It repeats what all the verses say. I'd either eliminate it and re-write the music a bit so the bridge is more resolved musically after 5 lines, or write a new lyric there, something we don't know or more in line with what you're already saying. Sorry, no suggestions of exactly what, just something different. You're sounding good and I enjoyed my listen.

Ricki

#1128252 - 06/05/17 10:44 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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Dave, thanks for the listen. Your feedback is really encouraging and I can't say enough how much I appreciate it. I'll be sure to update the post if and when I build it out. Just tough finding the time these days to circle back.

Rikki, thanks to you as well for taking the time to comment. For now, I'm inclined to leave the last line of the bridge as is . . . but I get what you're saying and will give it some further thought. Again, appreciate much your thoughts and the input.

All the best,

Deej

#1128274 - 06/06/17 12:59 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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JamesE Offline
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Powerful track. My only 2-cents would be to agree with Martin L. hold back a little bit on the power lines, use them a little more sparingly to keep them powerful. Well written and delivered!


"Well alright" - John Hartford
#1128501 - 06/15/17 11:54 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej56 Offline
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James,

Thank you kindly for the listen and the suggestions. Much appreciated.

Regards,

Deej

#1129448 - 08/01/17 12:06 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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ant Offline
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ant  Offline
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California
DJ,

This one drew me in right away. I thought the vocal delivery was great. I would not pull back from that at all, but I do think a bigger production and better balance would allow the vocal to sit in the mix a lot better.

..ant

#1129475 - 08/01/17 09:41 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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Deej56 Offline
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Ant,

Appreciate the listen and your taking time to comment. Yes, it deserves better production. As you have just finished your album, I'm sure you appreciate it takes both time and talent to do it right--and I've got a limited batch of both right now. But I'll come back to this one at some point, and will be sure to share if it comes out well.

Also, thank you kindly for your comments on "Hey Now (Edelweiss)". I normally would thank you on the thread itself, but I didn't want to bump up both songs. But it's feedback like that which keeps me trying--so thanks for the encouragement.

Best regards,

Deej

#1129492 - 08/02/17 05:26 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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Kolstad Offline
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Denmark
I loved this from the beginning to end, great and solid singing performance! Perfectly folk, and the writing also worked well for me, believable lines from a-z. You would kill in an auditorium with feedback from a full band and an audience!! Keep at it.


Buzz Tracks
Making media sweeter

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#1129515 - 08/03/17 02:12 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jul 2006
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California
Hey Deej,

This is easily my favorite of yours up to now; all the elements come together on this. The arrangement leaves a lot of space to enjoy your soaring vocals.

Mike


Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)
#1129525 - 08/03/17 09:58 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
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Kolstad and Mike, thanks for the listen and the kind comments. I'm really glad you both enjoyed it.


Best to both of you,

Deej

#1129533 - 08/04/17 09:52 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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lane1777 Offline
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south of the mason,dixon line
went over and listened to this, liked it. good job on such a sad song I thought. Lane


"Grace always pours from a closing wound"
#1129538 - 08/04/17 10:29 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: May 2017
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Gavin Sinclair Online content
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Conover, North Carolina, USA
Wow! Those vocals are quite something. You squeeze every last drop of emotion out of this. Lovely melody too.

Switching to nit-picking mode, it might just be a personal thing on my part, but I hate the word "misery" in a song. It makes me think of a 15 year old who has just broken up with his girlfriend of 3 weeks and bought a guitar. It's also a missed chance for something more specific or descriptive, like "lost in seas of missing her and self-reproach."

Great song and performance!

#1129543 - 08/04/17 12:16 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
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Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Good song Dče good vocals as Mike commented soaring vocals!
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1129601 - 08/06/17 08:02 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
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Lane, Gavin and Travis,

Really kind of you to listen in and comment. It means a lot, so thank you.

Gavin, interesting take on the word "misery". I get what you're saying and agree it's somewhat less specific--and, yeah, you nailed the teenage version of the word--funny stuff. :-) I'll think about whether I can switch it out, but to me the internal rhyme is pretty key. I depart from it in the third verse, but not sure I can in the second. That said, I don't think I'll every use the word "misery" in any other song I write--at least not without thinking of you. Thanks so much for the feedback.

Regards to you all,

Deej


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