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#1127873 - 05/18/17 11:48 PM Left Too Soon  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 162
Deej56 Online content
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Deej56  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 162
Hi, all--my latest offering. I enlisted a buddy of mine to lay down some bass and orchestra (via keyboards) on this one, and it's really just a rough take. But before I impose more on a very good friend to put more work into this, I thought I'd solicit your kind suggestions. So, for what it's worth, here it is:

Left Too Soon

In the quiet calm of midnight, I stagger back
with a photograph and another glass of Johnny Black.
How Iíve tried to blur every thought of her and a life in ruin.
She was all that I had left, and she left me too soon.

I haunt this empty bedroom like some soulless ghost,
lost in seas of misery and self-reproach.
Am I doomed to drown in the lonely sound of a silent room?
She was all that I had left, and she left me too soon.

And how I tried to change her mind;
and how I cried myself near blind.
But she just smiled at me and said sheís tired of hanging on.
So in her finest summer dress,
I laid my love to rest,
but she was all that I had left.

By the time the morning comes, Iíll be good and gone.
Iím gonna leave behind the bitter rinds of a life gone wrong.
Iím gonna take with me just the memories of a love in bloom.
She was all that I had leftó
and until my dying breathó
sheíll be all that I had left, and she left me too soon.

(c) 2017 DJ Lekich

Guitar and Lead Vocal--DJ Lekich
Bass and Keyboards--PF Stanley

#1127876 - 05/19/17 09:05 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 758
Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 758
Houston, Texas
DJ
I like the way that you write and the way that you sound.

Suggestions...

I would manage that pleading emphasis more, where you run up your voice. And not use it quite as much. I know that it feels good and sounds good, but using it a lot imo robs the song of one or two or three good climactic points.

The guitar rhythm is somewhat of an uneven trickle and at times I think that it drags on the vocal melody. Some "rakes" might smooth that out and make the song a little richer.

Hope any of that helps. Like the tune.

Martin

#1127887 - 05/20/17 07:18 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,114
Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,114
UK
I like this melody and the lyrics are simple but they work.
My only suggestion is to hold back on the vocal emotion at the start and increase it gradually through the song so the listener can feel the desperation building.
An loose example of this technique would be Roy Orbison's "Running Scared".

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.
http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold
#1127963 - 05/23/17 12:19 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 162
Deej56 Online content
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Deej56  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 162
Thanks as always Martin and Vic. Great comments! When I redo the vocals, I'll hold back on going up on "misery" in the second verse and keep it more subdued. My instincts originally was to make the second verse a little different from the first, but I hear and agree with what you I think you are both saying.

Martin, I'll need to think about adding an additional track to add some "rakes" that might add the depth your looking for--agree it may add some depth. I'm thinking I'll add a single violin to the second verse, which may also help.

Really appreciate your astute comments.

Best--Deej

#1128033 - 05/26/17 09:26 AM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 5,986
Dave Rice Online content
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Dave Rice  Online Content
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 5,986
Texas
Hi DJ:

I've been wanting to find time to give this track a listen... and I wasn't disappointed. If you are anything like me... and most writers, you know at least a dozen places you'll make a little change or two... but this one can stand on it's own two legs just the way it is... depending on your purpose for it's future. Like Martin, I like the way you write... and I like the way you sing. For a rough cut... this one can wrap itself around you... and drown you in it's lost opportunity at life's process of love.

Best of luck with it... and if you do a re-cut... "keep me on your mailing list." ----Dave

#1128055 - 05/26/17 08:41 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,119
Ricki E. Bellos Offline
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Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,119
Wisconsin
Nicely done DJ. My only nit is with the last line of the bridge. It repeats what all the verses say. I'd either eliminate it and re-write the music a bit so the bridge is more resolved musically after 5 lines, or write a new lyric there, something we don't know or more in line with what you're already saying. Sorry, no suggestions of exactly what, just something different. You're sounding good and I enjoyed my listen.

Ricki

#1128252 - 06/05/17 10:44 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 162
Deej56 Online content
Serious Contributor
Deej56  Online Content
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 162
Dave, thanks for the listen. Your feedback is really encouraging and I can't say enough how much I appreciate it. I'll be sure to update the post if and when I build it out. Just tough finding the time these days to circle back.

Rikki, thanks to you as well for taking the time to comment. For now, I'm inclined to leave the last line of the bridge as is . . . but I get what you're saying and will give it some further thought. Again, appreciate much your thoughts and the input.

All the best,

Deej

#1128274 - 06/06/17 12:59 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 62
JamesE Offline
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JamesE  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 62
Powerful track. My only 2-cents would be to agree with Martin L. hold back a little bit on the power lines, use them a little more sparingly to keep them powerful. Well written and delivered!


"Well alright" - John Hartford
#1128501 - 06/15/17 11:54 PM Re: Left Too Soon [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 162
Deej56 Online content
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Deej56  Online Content
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 162
James,

Thank you kindly for the listen and the suggestions. Much appreciated.

Regards,

Deej


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