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#1127724 - 05/14/17 12:49 PM New Lyric from Colin - CC Welcome  
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,756
Colin Ward Online content
Colin Ward  Online Content

Top 25 Poster

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,756
Saint Petersburg. FL
I rarely post a rough lyric but I thought I would ask for some constructive criticism for a change. I probably will not be performing this song!

You Are My Friends ©2017 Colin Ward


V1
Some of you stayed
And some of you went
Some of you just disappeared
One or two turned into
Lifelong friends
The months soon turned into years

V2
And to those who are gone
I hope you've done well
I hope you're as happy as me
To those who've remained,
I hope you intend
To stand like an old oak tree

Chorus
You are my friends
You're the best I could get
I know I can't get any finer
I've tried to upgrade but my efforts have failed
Your faults are really quite minor

V3
To the one who’s so weird,
I quite understand
Your parents are surely to blame,
And the one who wants money,
Your request is so funny,
No way am I playing that game

Chorus

Bridge
The thing that I wonder,
Spending hours to ponder,
Are everyone’s friends like you?
Or is it just me,
Who attracts them like fleas,
Maybe I’m just paying my dues

Chorus


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


#1127770 - 05/15/17 09:05 PM Re: New Lyric from Colin - CC Welcome [Re: Colin Ward]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,947
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 3,947
Eugene, Or USA
I like this Colin,

I can't see anything I'd change.

I particularly like V3.

Geneva

#1127801 - 05/16/17 09:40 PM Re: New Lyric from Colin - CC Welcome [Re: Colin Ward]  
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,756
Colin Ward Online content
Colin Ward  Online Content

Top 25 Poster

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,756
Saint Petersburg. FL
Thanks Geneva,

I have to put them aside for a while and then take another look!


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


#1127805 - 05/16/17 11:22 PM Re: New Lyric from Colin - CC Welcome [Re: Colin Ward]  
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,828
E Swartz Offline
Top 100 Poster
E Swartz  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,828
Ohio
Hi Colin.

You and I have had the conversation that sometimes it's not easy criticizing lyrics without hearing them in context with the music and vocal attitude, so I sometimes feel like I may setting myself up for saying, "yeah hearing it with the music changes my opinion and gives me a different perspective." But I'll have a go at what sort of jumps out at me or feel could be improved or tweaked.

Looking at your opening verse, which sets/opens the story, I might rather see your first topic sentence line have the word, "friends" within that line, then following that opening line with the "action" lines of (went & stayed).

I might experiment with the 4th line in the chorus, with the word "upgrade," -- it may be okay, but it jumped out at me in reading the line--perhaps that is your point, but maybe a little "cold."

In the 2nd line of the Bridge, I thought instead of saying "hours to ponder" which may be too much exaggeration, you might use: " And often times I ponder"


Use or lose, always look forward to hearing your music/songs,

steady-eddie

#1127857 - 05/18/17 03:37 PM Re: New Lyric from Colin - CC Welcome [Re: Colin Ward]  
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,756
Colin Ward Online content
Colin Ward  Online Content

Top 25 Poster

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,756
Saint Petersburg. FL
Thanks Ed,

I hear you about lyrics with no music. This was conceived in 3/4 time, but that's all I know so far. I will consider the lyrical changes you suggested. Appreciated!


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


#1127884 - 05/20/17 12:27 AM Re: New Lyric from Colin - CC Welcome [Re: Colin Ward]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 10,079
Travis david Online content
Top 20 Poster
Travis david  Online Content
Top 20 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 10,079
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Good theme Colin.

And the ones who I tested
Who let me down
were quickly rejected

Best of luck with the song
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1127911 - 05/21/17 09:57 AM Re: New Lyric from Colin - CC Welcome [Re: Colin Ward]  
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,756
Colin Ward Online content
Colin Ward  Online Content

Top 25 Poster

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 7,756
Saint Petersburg. FL
Thanks Travis!


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/



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