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A new song I put together last week and my first with three tracks: vocals, rhythm guitar and bass (that is, my first lame attempt at bass). As always, I appreciate your patience and input. Much thanks in advance.

Unsaid

We wake in the light of a rising sun.
I ache in her arms and I know it’s love.
She whispers truth in breathless words,
I roll away like I ain’t heard.

A whole heart, half-damned,
makes three-quarters of a good man.
I oughta open up but close instead.
I’ve got a big brain and four eyes;
so I can think it through
and still see I’m tongue-tied,
and all that I should say is
unsaid.

She laughs and I know that she knows we’re one.
So fast so some part of me wants to run.
She’s everything I’d hope to win,
and still I fight to let her in.

A whole heart, half-damned,
makes three-quarters of a good man.
I oughta open up, but close instead.
I’ve got a big brain and four eyes;
so I can think it through
and still see I’m tongue-tied,
and all that I should say is
unsaid.

She says she loves me;
and looks right at me;
with eyes that melt me;
and still I’m running scared.

A whole heart, half-damned,
makes three-quarters of a good man.
I oughta open up, but close instead.
I’ve got a big brain and four eyes;
so I can think it through
and still see I’m tongue-tied,
and all that I should say is
unsaid.

(c) DJ Lekich 2017

Hey Deej -

Drums: I have used everything from real live drummers (my favorite way to go), to old school drum machines (into linear tape multi-track consoles), to DAW's and all the various drum samples and beats out there.

Since you are multi-tracking, research which drum sample program will fit into your setup and price range.

Depth: All of the above!

Balance: Yes, practicing is the best way. There are plenty of approaches which are somewhat standard (for mixing volume levels, panning, EQ) however, you will quickly realize that each "producer" is going to have their own take on doing things.

I would not get too hung-up on production. Keep writing the songs and keep experimenting with the production. There are no easy answers, it takes time.

"A whole heart, half-damned,
makes three-quarters of a good man." Awesome line. Wow. Great work.

Very cool song, I got a little Geddy Lee vibe from the vocals. I've got nothing to contribute on the production, it sounds good to me.

Lyrically, I think it's really good, except for the bridge. There's nothing wrong with it, but the last line is just not very strong. Basically, you're saying the same thing you've been saying in the verses, she's great, I love her but I'm scared. I would re-write that last line so that it gives the listener some new info, something that gives hope for the future, like:

Maybe there's still hope for me

Anyway, just a thought. I really enjoyed my listen.

Ricki

Thanks Toby, Blake and Ricki for listening and the comments. Much appreciated.

Toby, thanks for answering my questions in my original post (which I've since taken out--think it probably belongs elsewhere). Pretty much about what I thought--just keep working it. But your advice is really helpful.

Ricki, I had misgivings about the last line of the bridge--largely because "run" is already used in the second verse. So totally agree it needs tweaking. Not sure I'll take it in the exact direction you suggest, but let's see what I can come up with.

Regards,

Deej

My patience was rewarded, D.J. and I encourage you to keep on keeping-on. Nothing wrong with this "first-take" that a little tweaking here and there won't help float this thing right up to the top. You appear to be a "seasoned" song writer and I know nothing of your recording equipment and technique... but I would suggest attempting a version in a lower key to see if it provides a better listen. Thanks for sharing and I'll do my best to pay more attention to your work as you continue to post songs here at JPF. All the best... ----Dave

Lots of good advice already....I agree with the "don't get too worked up about perfect production" that comes with time. Hell, I worked in a studio for nearly 30 years and have recorded most of my stuff on a Zoom H-1 (just got very lazy). Any road, lyrics are very well written and performed. I dig your voice and presentation. Keep 'em coming!

Hi Deej,



Glad I finally stopped in to listen, I think it sounds REAL fresh, good job.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

Deej

I'm reluctant to actually critique songs because the only songwriting that I really know anything about is the way that I go about it.
I appreciated your thoughts on my lyrics and wanted to reciprocate.

I think that "Unsaid" is a great sentiment and good title and a great place for the song to arrive too. It may be that we share a thematic wavelength.

For my tastes, the lyrics that lead to "unsaid" are too poetic. e.g. "We wake in the light of a rising sun." That clearly describes something but, to me, it's too much about the words themselves and not enough about the actual event. Stated another way..."it doesn't have flesh and breathe or evoke the intimacy of the two people awaking somewhere after dawn." It seems just a poetic device to place them in time.

I would write something like this in the 3rd person. It's thoughtful subject matter, but seems too consumed with "me" (the singer). The 3rd person might make it seem more empathetic to a listener.

The folksy melody reminds me of 60's protest songs. The musical melody and vocal medody are assertive and imo don't convey the introspective subject matter. I'd go with something sadder.

Throughout the lyric you talk about the wall that the singer has between himself and his lover. I'd give a glimpse behind the wall. Something more about what is "unsaid."

Lastly..."I’ve got a big brain and four eyes; so I can think it through and still see I’m tongue-tied,"
That wording seems a little blunt and unfeeling.


I don't consider myself a good songwriter and I'm a much worse evaluator. Please view my notes as flawed but well intended.

Martin

I could hear this as a full production rock song with some distorted guitars, clean simple picking and some of the strumming kept in there too. Drums would make a big difference.

The vocals sound a little this to me. Maybe you took out too much low end? Not sure and with fully production they might mix in just right. I also would see what doubling the guitars with one full right and the other full left sounds like. I think it would give this a really nice spread with bass and vocals right up the middle.

Pretty cool song!

Ricky

Wow, lots of great comments all. Thanks so much for taking the time to listen and share your thoughts.

Dave, thanks for the feedback, and I agree on revisiting the key. Actually, I'm already tuned down a half key, but perhaps more or outright transpose--will play around with it. Oh, and I'm anything but a "seasoned" songwriter, but appreciate the kindness.

James and Calvin, thanks much for the positive feedback. It's really appreciated.

Martin, never be reluctant to share your thoughts on anything I post. You're notes are not in any way flawed (though I do know that my songs almost always are--so it's all and always good)! I share the worry that the first line is too poetic; it's intended, but maybe it doesn't work. Interesting suggestion on going 3rd person (in fact, I gave it a try), but to me it loses the perspective of a sudden self-realization, which ultimately is what I was shooting for--but worth giving more thought. Lastly, the "big brain" line--I was waiting for a comment on that one. Was hoping to convey the singer's self understanding that "hey, I'm a smart guy, I know what I want to say, I know I should say it, but I just can't say it," with "four eyes" perhaps evoking his nerdy aspects. All that said, I appreciate the perspective. Thanks much.

Ricky, I wish I could figure out how to actually do half of what you suggest. And then I wish I could understand the other half, because it's going way over my head. :-) My original post was actually looking for this kind of advice on approaches to production, so this really helpful though. Taking it in baby steps, with percussion my next challenge. Appreciate you taking the time to comment so thoughtfully.

Regards all, Deej

DJ-
Good melody, playing and groove that drives the tune. Your vocal suits the tune well.
The lyrics have good bones, tell a story and deliver the tension that good songs do.
Your hook and delivery of the same is great. Good bridge. I could hear strings on the verses.
I was looking release/resolution of the story in the final verse. Something to think about.
I listened a few times. Enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.

Emmanuel,

Thank your for your thoughts and a lot of positive feedback. I've got a lot to learn and everyone on this thread has been really helpful--both in regards to this song and my progression in general. You get extra points for having endured multiple listens (clearly, you are a glutton for punishment!). Really appreciate your taking the time to comment.

Regards,

Deej

Hi Deej,

Here's a case where I think playing to a click track might help the overall feel of a song. I think all the elements are good but they aren't jelling like they could. Love your singing and like the lyric, though I'm not wild about "math" in songs unless it's meant to be funny.

I think the guitar part could be laying down a solid groove simply by playing what you're playing, but to a click you might get it tighter? I think if you lay down solid foundations you are going to reap big rewards, cuz this is the second thing I've heard from you I really like--the other one had too many tempo changes for a click..this seems to be locked into one..

Mike

Lots of potential with this one. Sounds like arena rock in the making. Foreigner, Kansas, Journey. Probably your vocals......

From a guitar player who only plays bass at home for recordings, I would keep it simple and on the beat and don't double the guitar strums with the bass. Bass and drums should be tight together, guitar and vocals should float above. IMHO!

Nice energy!
I like that "damned" sounds the same as "dammed".
I was halfway expecting a song called "Unsaid" to be an instrumental.
Harry Chapin fan?

Mike, Colin and Kurt, thanks for the listen and thoughtful comments.

Mike, I had to Google what a “click track” was—again pretty new to all this (such an amateur!). But it’s a great suggestion that I'll look into playing with going forward. Thanks much.

Colin, great comment about the double hit on the bass. It does catch my ear from time to time as being too much, so I get what you mean. When I get around to redoing this I’ll definitely be more reserved. First time I've tried to do bass, so lots to learn.

Kurt, never thought about the “damned” vs. “dammed”—actually could work either way. Nice catch—and appreciate the careful listen.

All the best guys—Deej.

I'm coming in late on this song and you seem to have lots of great advice, but I wanted to chime in that I really enjoyed it, you really sold the song with your vocal and energetic playing and I love the idea of the song and how you wrote to that hook. I think there are a few minor things you can play around with it lyrically, but this is a great write and melody and I enjoyed it!

Tammy

Tams,

Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement--give me hope. Much appreciated.

Deej