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#1126417 04/10/17 11:22 AM
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I reworked these lyrics and am working it up into a song. I know that it's long and am good with that. Am hoping for comments having to do with the word selections, emotional weights of words, interplay of words and how easy or not the story is to follow. Thanks for any feedback. Martin

GONE BY DAWN

https://www.reverbnation.com/skunkofhoustontexas


V1
It was girl's night out.
They were laughing in a bar.
Drinkin' tequila from little glass jars
And doin' cocaine out by the cars.

V2
A man walked in about a quarter passed ten.
Lit that bar with blue eyes and a grin
She couldn't...
take her eyes off him

V3
He walked right up like he owned her dress.
Said of all these girls, you're the pretti-est.
I jus' wanna talk for a while...
I guess.

V4
Her friends looked over like she struck new oil.
Smiled at her like she met a royal.
She said...
for a while I guess.

V5
Then at closin' time in a shiverrin' mist
She was sayin' good bye with quiverrin' lips
He leaned in close.
And stole a warm wet kiss.

Interlude
She felt the mist come down.
Felt a warm strong body in a cold gray town.
She felt the chill leave the air.

She felt her passions grow
Felt her feelings swell like she'd never known.
She pulled still closer next to him.

V6
Her eyes opened up at the crack of dawn
Fell on a ceiling that looked all wrong.
She jumped outa bed and said...
What have I done?!

V7
She raced across town to another world.
To a man who loved her and a baby girl.
Screamin' at the windshield...
What have I done?!

V8
She flew in the kitchen
All flushed with fear.
He said "Don't bother lying.
Truth beat you here.
One of your good time buddies
Laid it out real clear.

V9
She knew that man.
She knew that tone.
She knew that night...
She'd lost her home.

She crashed to the floor like a giant stone.


CHORUS
She fell down upon her knees, and she screamed out in pain.
I'm beggin' you please, let me explain.
It was nothin' to me, just the cocaine.
Swear on my life, I'll never do it again.

Tears were streamin' down her face. drowning her in shame.
That night would not erase, it would never be the same
Beggin him to stay, she said don't leave me this way.
It's all a bad dream, it'll fade away.


TURNAROUND
He said everything we had,
that we built our love on,
was gone, by dawn.

Every future kiss,
All the love w're gonna miss,
was gone, by dawn.

V10
Alone in an apartment, on a dreary day
She was starin' out the window, and across the way.
At nothing...there was nothin' to see.

V11
One thought filled her tortured mind.
If she could only get herself back in time
and undo...a cold and misty night.

Last edited by Martin Lide; 05/05/17 07:34 PM.
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Hi, Martin,

So, a couple of thoughts per your request. The story is easy enough to follow, but on first read it took an unexpected turn. That is, there was little to tell that the girl is married (or has a significant other as it's not explicit she's married). That may be your intended effect, and if so, ignore the comment that follows. But if not (and maybe regardless), I think V4 is an opportunity to establish her relationship status. First off, and as an aside, the reaction of her friends if she's in a relationship with a child seems off to me, so those first two lines of V4 are not the strongest of the song for me. But I'm wondering if saying something along the lines of "he's attractive, she's married, but no harm in talking for a bit" might be more worthwhile line to follow.

One other suggestion is in V7, second line, maybe shifting the perspective. Rather than, "to the man who loved her" go with "to the man she loves". Only because to me that makes her pain all the more real to know she really loves him. And also gives more credence to the idea that she never would have cheated but for the booze and drugs, and a momentary lapse of judgment.

Beyond that, just spit and polish. There's some repetitive word usage, such as "screaming" and "begging" in a couple of verses that can be easily swapped out. But that will all come out I'm sure as you play with it more.

Love the turnaround by the way. For me the strongest part of the lyrics (and something I think you can repeat in the song if what you have in mind for sound and structure bears it). And "He walked right up like he owned her dress"--great, great line. And there a few more gems scattered within.

Really enjoyed the read. Can't wait to hear what you come up with for accompanying music.

Regards,

Deej

Deej56 #1126433 04/11/17 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Deej56
Hi, Martin,

So, a couple of thoughts per your request. The story is easy enough to follow, but on first read it took an unexpected turn. That is, there was little to tell that the girl is married (or has a significant other as it's not explicit she's married). That may be your intended effect, and if so, ignore the comment that follows. But if not (and maybe regardless), I think V4 is an opportunity to establish her relationship status. First off, and as an aside, the reaction of her friends if she's in a relationship with a child seems off to me, so those first two lines of V4 are not the strongest of the song for me. But I'm wondering if saying something along the lines of "he's attractive, she's married, but no harm in talking for a bit" might be more worthwhile line to follow.

One other suggestion is in V7, second line, maybe shifting the perspective. Rather than, "to the man who loved her" go with "to the man she loves". Only because to me that makes her pain all the more real to know she really loves him. And also gives more credence to the idea that she never would have cheated but for the booze and drugs, and a momentary lapse of judgment.

Beyond that, just spit and polish. There's some repetitive word usage, such as "screaming" and "begging" in a couple of verses that can be easily swapped out. But that will all come out I'm sure as you play with it more.

Love the turnaround by the way. For me the strongest part of the lyrics (and something I think you can repeat in the song if what you have in mind for sound and structure bears it). And "He walked right up like he owned her dress"--great, great line. And there a few more gems scattered within.

Really enjoyed the read. Can't wait to hear what you come up with for accompanying music.

Regards,

Deej


Deej

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. I appreciate it.

Verses 1-5 + interlude all lead to "Fell on a ceiling that looked all wrong." I didn't want to write anything prior to that which would foretell it. Your point about defining her relationship and her friends reaction to a stranger approaching her is valid, but it was a judgement call to make her seem completely single and then surprise the reader with her circumstance.

The song is about a night that got out of hand and the real world lives that she and her friends lost track of. For fun, I turned the song into a short story which grew to just under 7000 words. The short story fills in a lot of gaps in the song. When I get the finished song back from Mike Zaneski, I'll post a link to the short story if you care to read it. I would appreciate your feed back.

I disagree with "a man she loves." I didn't want to give her that much humanity at this point in the story. "A man who loved her" leaves her a little bit more of a question mark.

The story is told through seven songs (and chapters). This one is about the destruction of her relationship. The other 6 are about her attempts to get him back and both of their struggles to deal with their emotions. Her humanity comes later.

It's not autobigraphical except in bits and pieces. I just enjoyed making up a story in my head and following it along with songs.

It was very nice of you to share your thoughts.

Thank you,

Martin



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I like a story song honed it'll be a good one.
Travis


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Originally Posted by Travis david
I like a story song honed it'll be a good one.
Travis


Thanks Travis. smile

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I like the way it flows, Martin. Leaves room for an interesting arrangement.

One question: What does "fell on a ceiling mean"?

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

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Hey, Martin, thanks for the reply. I figured that was your intent, so just you never mind my ramblings. smile I certainly would want to hear the finished product, so will keep my eyes open for it. And I could see this working really well in a short story, and please do share if and when you're willing. It would be interesting to compare to the song.

Regards,

Deej

Vicarn #1126592 04/14/17 12:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Vicarn
I like the way it flows, Martin. Leaves room for an interesting arrangement.

One question: What does "fell on a ceiling mean"?

Vic


Sorry for taking so long to get back Vic. On a motorcycle trip in Big Bend National park. Internet is sketchy out here.

Thanks for the compliment on the flow. Regarding..."Fell on a ceiling." She saw the ceilng. Similar to... After studying her face, his eyes fell upon her lovely shoulders.

And a little ironic twist....the moment that her eyes...fell...upon the ceiling, she realized that her life had turned upside down.

Martin


Last edited by Martin Lide; 04/14/17 12:14 AM.
Vicarn #1126593 04/14/17 12:13 AM
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Thanks Deej. Appreciate your interest.

Martin

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Bumped to reference the same song in MP3 section.

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Martin,
i remember this. Still like it

John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Originally Posted by John Hoffman
Martin,
i remember this. Still like it

John


Thanks John.

Have a good weekend.

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Martin,

I like the wording, I think that's great when you cant find ways of saying it different.

I wanted to feel sorry for the girl loosing everything but I couldn't cuzza her havin' a fam'ly and all.

I read somewhere this will be continued. I'll be interesting reading them and seein' if they change
my mind about her.

Geneva

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Originally Posted by nightengale
Martin,

I like the wording, I think that's great when you cant find ways of saying it different.

I wanted to feel sorry for the girl loosing everything but I couldn't cuzza her havin' a fam'ly and all.

I read somewhere this will be continued. I'll be interesting reading them and seein' if they change
my mind about her.

Geneva




Thanks Geneva,

The story is seven songs long and there is a lot of humanity in both characters. Appreciate the comment and listen.

Martin


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