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#1125621 - 03/21/17 01:07 AM Please Come Home  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 65
Deej56 Offline
Serious Contributor
Deej56  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 65
Hi, all,

So after my first MP3 post, I learned I needed to figure out how to lay tracks. So, it's early on in my education, but at least the vocals and guitar work are on separate tracks on this effort. I'm going to enlist a friend to lay down some bass--and then have to think about percussion. Can't figure out how to make the GarageBand drummer do anything I want it to.

It's a simple song, nothing profound, and bottom line, it's raw. Final caveat, the lyrics are in flux--won't say what specifically bugs me because I'd like to see if what bugs me bugs you. So all in all, a rough cut, but wanted to share before I spend too much time on it.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts. You are all so kind with your suggestions.

Please Come Home

(V) Up all night replaying every sceneó
canít believe that I could be that mean.
I got too drunk and then my big fat mouth
opened up and the words came out.

(PC) I could tell by the light in her blue eyes,
almost hear her heart just break.
Iíd like to say itís OK but I wonít lieó
itís not my first mistake.

(C) So Iím hoping that she knows Iím sorry.
Iím hoping she picks up the phone.
Iím hoping I can hold her tomorrow,
because I ainít no good alone.
Iím begging baby, please come home.

(V) We were kids when we first metó
and thereís so many things I still donít get.
All her friends and her family
they swear up and down sheís just too good for me.

(PC) And all the times I thought they were all rightó
that she would leave like they said she would.
But all the million times Iíve screwed up,
sheís always understood.

(C) So Iím hoping that she knows Iím sorry.
Iím hoping she picks up the phone.
Iím hoping I can hold her tomorrow,
because sheís all Iíve ever known.
Iím begging baby, please come home.

(B) I get there are ugly words
in this world you canít erase.
But I wanna hold her in my arms.
I want to tell her I can change.

(C) So Iím hoping that she knows Iím sorry.
Iím hoping she picks up the phone.
Iím hoping I can tell her I love her
because she canít be really gone.
Iím begging baby, please come home.
Iím begging baby, please come home.

(c) 2017 DJ Lekich

Last edited by Deej56; 03/22/17 11:59 PM.
#1125622 - 03/21/17 05:06 AM Re: Please Come Home [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,012
Calvin Online content
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Calvin  Online Content
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,012
Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hello Deej,

Hey, you sound good.
I think a few words could be removed to make the song smoother....

V) We were kids when we first metó
and thereís so many things I still donít get.
All her friends and her family
they swear up and down sheís just too good for me

I really like these lines....
Iím hoping I can hold her tomorrow,
because I ainít no good alone.

Overall, I think you did a real good job

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#1125626 - 03/21/17 08:02 AM Re: Please Come Home [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 644
Martin Lide Online content
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Martin Lide  Online Content
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Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 644
Houston, Texas
It's not a song style that I know much about but I like the sound of your voice. Reminds me of Mellenkamp. Bass would warm it up some.

Last edited by Martin Lide; 03/21/17 08:02 AM.
#1125636 - 03/21/17 10:18 AM Re: Please Come Home [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 165
Trentb Offline
Serious Contributor
Trentb  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 165
This sounds a lot like Springsteens Growing Up. (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g3Cs-bZ2YX0). But not in a bad way, in a good way.

But it also sounds a bit like Counting Crows, and some modern folk pop songs

I like the singers voice, and the story is solid.

Enjoyed my listen

#1125675 - 03/21/17 08:45 PM Re: Please Come Home [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,022
Ricki E. Bellos Offline
Top 40 Poster
Ricki E. Bellos  Offline
Top 40 Poster

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6,022
Wisconsin
This is awesome Deej. I love the pace and fast delivery, lyrically maybe a little wordy but easy enough to fix.

When I read that line in the first chorus: Because I ain't no good alone, I thought that could make for an interesting title. Please Come Home is a bit common but No Good Alone feels a little more powerful. Just a thought.

If you do add instrumentation to it, be sure to post it so we can hear it all grown up.

Ricki

#1125804 - 03/25/17 02:45 PM Re: Please Come Home [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 65
Deej56 Offline
Serious Contributor
Deej56  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Dec 2016
Posts: 65
Calvin, Martin, Trent and Ricki, thanks all so much for taking the time to listen and comment. As always, it's much appreciated.

Calvin and Ricki, agree that I can drop a few words here and there to smooth things out a bit. My lyrics always seem to lean towards wordy and that's something I have to work on. Calvin, thanks for the suggestion.

As for song style, Martin--I wrote the darn thing and I'm not even sure I know what style it is. LOL! :-)

#1125824 - 03/25/17 09:40 PM Re: Please Come Home [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Alex Berka Offline
Casual Observer
Alex Berka  Offline
Casual Observer

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
Michigan
Like this one, good voice too. I honestly didn't have much issue with the lyrics, the only one that stilted me when I first heard it was "but all the million times". But I tend to get wordy in the things I do as well. As long as they're purposeful and have good rhythm, I don't think it matters how many words you use. You're fine.

Not a fan of the bridge chord progression with the vocal melody on top. They don't follow each other well enough to justify the variety of chords, feels like you're just throwing in random chords to spice it up. Simplify, or restructure that vocal melody (but be careful not to make it awkward for the sake of keeping the progression).

I'm curious to hear what you do with the rest of the instrumentation. Do you have a 12-string? I think that might be a nice substitution. Or complement.

Good stuff, looking forward to hearing it fully developed.

#1125901 - 6 hours ago Re: Please Come Home [Re: Deej56]  
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,427
Michael Zaneski Offline
Top 100 Poster
Michael Zaneski  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 4,427
California
Hi Deej56,

This is a polished performance and a brilliant song.

I'm not a big fan of many tempo changes in a song (probably why I'm not a big Zappa fan) unless the song really sells them, lyrically/content wise, and the very first tempo change felt awkward to me, but the rest flowed by like they were meant to be, including the same 'slow down' at 1:10 that is structurally the same as the one at 0:19 that I thought felt awkward, only at 1:10 it's working better for me. smile

Mike


Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice
Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon)
from the song "Songs of Love"
from the album "Casanova" (1996)

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