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What are we looking for?

I'm looking for something,
you're looking for something too,
Are you looking for me or,
Am I looking for you.

What is it that we are looking for?
We're looking for someone to love that we can trust,
That is all we are really looking for.

I'm holding on to my heart,
you're holding on to your heart too,
You could give me yours,
I could give mine to you.

Hi Chris,
Well, you need some more song and to be "commercial" would need to say something less "commonplace" As far as more song, you might go on to say something about, ---how do we know it will work and ---you pay your heart and take your chance. Not meant to be lines--just thoughts
In v 1 another possibility---Are you looking for me
Like I'm looking for you.
2nd line of 2nd segment seems too "wordy" . maybe something like --Someone to love and trust, for the last part.
Just my thoughts tho'
Wy

The title is never sung!
Right there it proves it is a poem.
A song MINIMALLY consists of two verses and a chorus repeated twice. And some original
ideas that are singable. First learn how to write a song. Then post one. Go sit in the Corner! And write ONE SONG at least 50 times. Give us word PICTURES!

What are we looking for?

I'm looking for something,
you're looking for something too,
Are you looking for me or,
Am I looking for you.

What is it that we are looking for?
We're looking for someone to love that we can trust,
That is all we are really looking for.

I'm holding on to my heart,
you're holding on to your heart too,
You could give me yours,
I could give mine to you.



[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 01-16-2005).]

Jeez, BigA------lyricist, take your lithium. Then go sit in a corner and come back when you've learned to give constructive criticism. Cyber bullies are really pretty pathetic.

Chris: You need less abstract language and more concrete imagery: Instead of "looking for something," you might have someone looking down a road or looking at people at a bus stop. Something specific. And yes, BigA, I know those are pretty cliched, but I'm just giving examples.

Chris:
I think your title is appropriate. It is the summary of the song.
As a poem, it sounds like it was written in crayon. But it isn’t a poem, it’s a song. With the right instrumentation and effects it may be a brilliant song. It’s very difficult to give a helpful critique on such a lyric without hearing the musical treatment.

When I hear a song that inspires me, I’ll want to learn it to play it on stage. I’ll transcribe the lyric and study them. That’s when I usually loose my inspiration. I think the lyric, alone, bears a vital burden. For me, the lyric must be enough, on its own. The same is true for the music.

So, where I find nothing remarkable or inspiring about your lyric here, I don’t think it’s fair for any of us to condemn it as a song.

Darby

Hi Chris,
I think this does read more like a poem and it needs some more descriptive lyrics and a good chorus to be a song.Take some of the advice here and also go and look at some of the songs posted to get an idea what is needed here.Don't get frustrated by the replies here but take the critique to improve your writing.It takes careful thought and some work to make a song work.Just keep working and use the advice given without becoming discouraged by the less than constructive reviews,ok?Good luck!
Dave

This is a classic thought.....but you haven't given it a new twist.....maybe the way you sing it and the music you put to it will elevate the song a notch or five.....

I agree with most all critiques here.
I agree w/ big A on the re-writing part,it is crucial to songwriting,don't fear it. It took me 2 years to re-write "PURPLE HEART" threw out to begin again. It can be done.
Matter of fact,it should be done. Only then can you become a more proficient writer.

Big Mouth Lyricist....Did you have a bad childhood?.....thankyou all for your comments...I post songs like this because I know they need work you would like the music to this I will have a CD made here right shortly.Wildman does not take kindly to being slapped even verbally.Maybe the problem there girl is that you ain't gettin any!

Hi Chris.

I see some song form so that's good. It looks like verse chorus verse to me.

Here's an exercise for you. I am betting you have a movie in your head for this song. Write that out long hand, like a story, then put it in song form. If you give us the story, say, in the verses, then use the material you have already here for your chorus, that will give us a more complete, mature song.
I have just started reading "God Help Me Create" by Claire W. and I culled this quote from her book:

Convince yourself that you are working in clay not marble, on paper not eternal bronze: let that first sentence be as stupid as it wishes. No one will rush out and print it as it stands. Just put it down; then another. by Jacques Barzun

The important thing is to begin.

This is a classic idea. I think I like the first "verse" the best. Perhaps a story about 2 people bumping into each other and getting that sensation that you could be friends....

Vondelle

Amanda-
You forgot the AAA song structure;
Only three parts.
Classic examples-

My Cup Runneth Over
The Rose
Gentle On My Mind

Cal




[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 01-16-2005).]

Cal:
This "thing" doesn't have any structure. The title is never sung. He didn't write a song. My room mate once said, "I will finish my musical before you finish yours.
I already finished 10 songs." I said you may have written ten poems but you didn't write even one song. He said, "Yes I did!" I said, "I'll give you a thousand bucks cash right now if you can show me even one song that you've ever written with a chorus." He ran to his desk - and then came back and said, "None of them have a chorus."
"Just what I thought! If you ever learn HOW to write a song, and you ever actually write a song, I want to see it."
Before I went to songwriting classes I wrote over 700 songs, and I was forced to throw them in the garbage - because they weren't songs.

[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 01-17-2005).]

[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 01-17-2005).]

Amanda-
Just being detail oriented;
Some songs do have less than four parts.
I was not referring to this one as being structurally correct.

lol

Cal

[This message has been edited by Cal (edited 01-17-2005).]

Not to mention the AABA format. Unless you take a big instrumental break (pretty common in these types of songs) and then repeat the B and last A there is no repeated chorus.

Classic examples -- the majority of the output of Tin Pan Alley in the 20's and 30's.

------------------
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[This message has been edited by HowlinHobbit (edited 01-17-2005).]