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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,164 Likes: 5
Top 25 Poster
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,164 Likes: 5 |
country... Piss Poor I saw that well-dressed stranger a-comin' up the road what he thought was a scarecrow was just Granpa Joad that stranger spied a toilet a-sittin' on the lawn cracked with wild petunias inside growin' strong Granpa met him in the barnyard said, 'what can I do ya for I'd offer you fresh water but our well is piss poor" well, the old barn door was covered by tumbleweeds the dead oak 'round the backporch was a hive for bumblebees Granpa said there's a flubug droppin' my poultries in the dirt that rusty weathervane rooster was my best Thanksgiving bird and the nearest restroom is ten miles to the General Store as you see our throne is broken and our outhouse is piss poor" then ol' Granpa Joad asked what he owed and sweettalked that revenue man if he failed the audit, it's years since he bought it but he'd give his sow to Uncle Sam I watched through field glasses from a perch on that barn a tail of dust behind that taxman when he hightailed it from that farm yeah, we've got stills in the outhouse a case of cash down the well fifty inch flatscreen and a new dish hidden by some haybales and Granpa's got a shotgun he'd use as a last resort but till then dirty tricks make the stinking rich smell piss poor (c)2005 Robert George [This message has been edited by couchgrouch (edited 04-19-2005).]
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 1,402
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Hiya Couch,
Well, there's some gaps in this one my man! Think you might rewrite it and try again. The bit about the still should have come to play earlier, hell, - I thought he was gonna make an offer to buy the old toilet for awhile! LOL!!!
Best regards,
Stan ;-)
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,164 Likes: 5
Top 25 Poster
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,164 Likes: 5 |
stan, I didn't understand your critique...where are the gaps? if the still had come earlier in the lyric, it wouldn't make sense. Joad being a wealthy bootlegger is the punchline.
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Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,327
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 1,327 |
This one does seem a little jumbled, Rob. For example, it seems like it would read better with the second half of the four-line sections reversed:
that stranger spied a toilet a-sittin' on the lawn cracked with wild petunias inside growin' strong
Granpa met him in the barnyard said, 'what can I do ya for as you see our throne is broken and our outhouse is piss poor
and the nearest [] cold refreshment is ten miles to the General Store I'd offer you fresh water but our well is piss poor
It makes more sense to me to link the toilet and the "throne" line together in a flow, rather than split them up.
This part, too, seems a little rough and ragged:
"if he failed the audit, it's years since he bought it but he'd give his sow to Uncle Sam"
It's turned around enough that it's a little tough to decipher on first pass. It's years since he bought the sow? It's years since the sow "bought it"? It doesn't really flow in that part.
The long sections work well, I think. The ending seems a little weak. The revenue man is the "stinkin' rich"? Now I see it.... Grandpa's stinkin' rich. I think it's the "smell" that threw me... if it were "look" I'd have gotten it faster.
I think it's good but still needs some shaping.
Just my two cents.
-- James
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