Who's Online Now
33 registered members (David Snyder, couchgrouch, Barry David Butler, beechnut79, Dave Rice, Deej56, 9ne, Alanjack, Calvin, 4 invisible), and 244 guests, and
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Shout Box
Member Spotlight
Posts: 3,770
Joined: December 2008
Show All Member Profiles 
What's Going On
Pick and Choose Your Battles
by Fdemetrio. 02/20/18 02:13 PM
Urban Poetry
by Fdemetrio. 02/20/18 02:07 PM
Jersey Country
by Fdemetrio. 02/20/18 01:51 PM
Every Day She Touches Turns to Gold
by David Snyder. 02/20/18 01:29 PM
How to Walk a Girl Home
by couchgrouch. 02/20/18 01:27 PM
2LT Facebook Page
by Johnny Daubert. 02/20/18 01:23 PM
This Hurry Up World
by beechnut79. 02/20/18 12:46 PM
Mud Runners[
by beechnut79. 02/20/18 12:45 PM
No One Else Can Do That For You
by beechnut79. 02/20/18 12:43 PM
Holocaust / Never Again
by beechnut79. 02/20/18 12:38 PM
McCrea, Owen and Sassoon. (REWRITE)
by Vicarn. 02/20/18 11:34 AM
Wandering Eyes. Vic
by Neil Cotton. 02/20/18 10:59 AM
Dandelion Wine
by Janice & Bud. 02/20/18 10:50 AM
Make your mind up
by Vicarn. 02/20/18 10:35 AM
It Won't Be Very Long
by Janice & Bud. 02/20/18 10:01 AM
I'm A Teacher
by Barry David Butler. 02/20/18 08:53 AM
by Travis david. 02/20/18 08:42 AM
AMA - How to get gigs? Ask me anything
by Sue Rarick. 02/20/18 08:33 AM
Breaks to Gray
by Travis david. 02/20/18 06:08 AM
by Brian Austin Whitney. 02/20/18 12:01 AM
How Important is Your Talent ?
by RonnieDean. 02/19/18 09:05 PM
Looking for Co-Writers
by Alanjack. 02/19/18 07:49 PM
Strength in Numbers
by Deej56. 02/19/18 07:29 PM
Don’t Say Just Pay
by Deej56. 02/19/18 07:27 PM
by Deej56. 02/19/18 07:14 PM
Any Ideas How to hook up songs with local singers
by RonnieDean. 02/19/18 06:07 PM
Maria Blue (a floyd jane co-write)
by Janice & Bud. 02/19/18 04:31 PM
I'm Coming Home (soldier tribute)
by Janice & Bud. 02/19/18 04:23 PM
Hard to Hurt
by Marvin Adcock. 02/19/18 04:18 PM
Stand For Peace (song)
by Neil Cotton. 02/19/18 04:01 PM
Top Posters(All Time)
Calvin 19,365
Travis david 10,570
Kevin Emmrich 10,535
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,571
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 8,751
Mike Dunbar 8,574
glynda 8,572
Tricia Baker 8,318
Colin Ward 7,866
Corey 7,357
couchgrouch 7,255
Wyman Lloyd 6,578
Dave Rice 6,433
Mark Kaufman 6,429
Joe Wrabek 6,400
ben willis 6,090
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,718
Linda Sings 5,604
Vicarn 5,448
niteshift 5,353
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,610
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,351
Neil Cotton 4,273
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Cindy Miller 4,178
Tom Shea 4,173
TamsNumber4 4,005
nightengale 3,965
Roy Cooper 3,914
Caroline 3,865
Kolstad 3,770
Dan Sullivan 3,710
MFB III 3,687
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
beechnut79 3,320
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
E Swartz 3,036
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
PopTodd 2,877
Harriet Ames 2,868
Nigel Quin 2,802
MidniteBob 2,706
Tom Tracy 2,558
Polly Hager 2,526
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Nelson 2,496
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,241
Judy Hollier 2,232
Erica Ellis 2,202
Wendy D 2,177
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,012
DukeWill 1,984
Ray Thyer 1,929
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
maccharles 1,816
floyd jane 1,752
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Noel Downs 1,620
Iggy 1,611
Cal 1,574
Rick Heenan 1,566
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,454
Tom Franz 1,452
Ralph Blight 1,440
Chuck Crowe 1,435
Kenneth Cade 1,429
Rick Norton 1,428
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,406
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,292
Janice & Bud 1,274
GocartMoz 1,268
DakLander 1,265
Ian Ferrin 1,230
PeteG 1,228
Glen King 1,210
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
Diane Ewing 1,158
summeoyo 1,085
Gerry 1,082
BobbyJoe 1,075
joro 1,056
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
lane1777 980
Wolvman 960
IronKnee 912
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 827
Juan 797
TKO 784
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
90 dB 745
tbryson 737
Andy Kemp 733
Andy K 733
ant 728
Jackie444 722
3daveyO3 704
Dayson 703
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
9ne 671
Katziis 652
quality 637
CG King 622
douglas 621
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Pat Hardy 596
Shandy 589
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 565
Tink2 553
Irwin 541
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
Roderic 522
Moosesong 521
BB Wilbur 511
goodfolks 499
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
Deej56 468
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
R&M 448
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
Rob L 426
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
iggyiggy 378
Cecilee 378
coalminer 377
java 374
spidey 371
sweetsong 370
danny 367
Jim Ryan 360
papaG 353
Alek 352
Z - man 350
John K 348
JamesDF5 347
Jaden 344
ddreuter 341
TheBaz 340
Steggy 339
leif 339
tonedeaf 336
rickwork 334
Eddie Ray 332
Johnboy 328
Bob Lever 328
Helicon1 327
lucian 326
Muskie 321
kc 319
Z. Mulls 318
ptondreau 313
Chris B. 310
trush 304
ed323 297
Ellen M 293
lizzorn 291
nicnac49 290
pomeranj 289
Char 286
ktunes 285
mastrose 280
pammie 279
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
#268175 - 04/25/02 12:20 AM Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,605
Ashleigh Wehmeyer Offline
Ashleigh Wehmeyer  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,605
Fort Hood, TX
Hey all,

I sent the original version of this song into the NSAI song evaluations service. It came back with some pretty constructive criticism so my co-writer and I sat down and ended up re-writing all the verses. We kept the same chorus and bridge. I'd like to get some feedback on the song as it stands now. [Linked Image]

Thanks in advance,

©2002 Ashleigh Wehmeyer & Mike Weaver

You come home from work at night and want your time alone
You can’t see the kids are so excited that your home
You sit down in your lazy boy, the paper in your hand
You tell ‘em your too tired to play, but they don’t understand

Johnny needs his diaper changed, but you don’t have the time
I’d like dinner out for two, but you won’t spare the dime
The office calls you here at home and you put us on hold
We eat supper by ourselves while yours is getting’ cold

When I ask you for your help you say, later
When I ask you for a kiss you say, not now
When the children want to talk you say, tomorrow
But tomorrow never comes here in this house

You’re lyin’ right beside me, but it feels like your not here
There used to be a time when you would whisper in my ear
But now our bedroom’s just become another place to sleep
In your dreams you’re countin’ money while i’m here counting sheep

Chorus [Repeat]

You won’t have to worry about givin’ the boys a bath
And you won’t have to worry about helpin’ with their math
'Cause we won’t be around here trouble you no more
We’re goin’ back to mama’s, back to Baltimore

Chorus [Repeat]

#268177 - 04/25/02 01:45 AM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Graham Henderson (D) Offline
Graham Henderson (D)  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Esperance. West Australia
Long time no see a post Ashliegh.
To me this is a winge.
As there is a daiper to change (and i found time very occassionally to do that before you all get fiesty) I would hope the missus is home tending the kids like she should be.
Old bloke is out slaving and yep. He want to read the paper, or watch a bit of TV to see what hapened i the world while he was doing said slaving.
If he was out playing up then I would say you go girl.
Word wise. I think "Sick of counting sheep" would work better by implication.assocciaton/inueno.
The trot off to Baltomore was a bit sudden for me. And wonder why we need to lnow at that late stage where Momma lives.


#268178 - 04/25/02 04:31 AM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,007
Pam Hurley Offline
Top 100 Poster
Pam Hurley  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 3,007
Hi Ash,
This is funny cuz that's Waynes famous saying-I'll do it tomorrow--lol BUT not when it comes to me or the kids thank god--so I can relate [Linked Image]
Just a few nits really otherwise written pretty darn good.....now YA KNOW Graham----And I did see you changed a (few)diapers but I'll still get fiesty!!!!I'd just about like to pop ya in the head [Linked Image]whew!! Old school or what???
These days.....least round these parts the men are not afraid to pitch in--kids, housework n'all....
No reason for a woman to have to work 24 hrs a day--so your "home tending the kids like she should be" is.....ummm unbelievable!Oohhhh You wouldn't last long in my home!
Boy that felt good to vent---
Oh the song hehe-
Ash- I know you usually have a melody in mind but if not I can see a lot of condensing that could be done--if you had to.
Actually if you could make it clear in this somewhere that this has been growing and going on forever it might make it more believable as to her leaving.Graham [Linked Image]


[This message has been edited by Hurley (edited 04-25-2002).]

#268179 - 04/25/02 09:48 AM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,232
Judy Hollier Offline
Top 200 Poster
Judy Hollier  Offline
Top 200 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 2,232
Sydney, Australia
Hi Ashleigh, long time no see - hope all is well with you and the new little one. Good to see you've still got time to do some writing (while hubby's changing nappies and helping with the chores...LOL). What you've got here is written well, though it does seem a bit wordy (agree with Pam) but if music's in place, probably not a problem. I'm afraid I have to go with Graham on one thing - it does sound like a big whinge to me and I would have liked to see an attempt by her (and him) to try some kind of solution before running home to Mum in Baltimore. Unfortunately, the story is pretty typical of a lot of marriages. Cheers, Judy

#268180 - 04/25/02 02:50 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357
Corey Offline
Top 20 Poster
Corey  Offline
Top 20 Poster

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 7,357
Brandon, MS
Only thing that stuck out to me negatively is one tiny thing. I'd drop the 'here' in the last line of the chorus. Honestly, that's all I could come up with. This is a sad and powerful lyric. Hope you get the right tune to go along with it. Nice writing!


P.S. I've changed many a diaper lately...lol. I just don't do the late, late night shift...that's the only problem my wife has had with my baby rearing skills. [Linked Image]

#268181 - 04/25/02 06:46 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,605
Ashleigh Wehmeyer Offline
Ashleigh Wehmeyer  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,605
Fort Hood, TX
Hey all,

Noel & Corey--Thanks for taking a peek. I will see how that sings with those words changes. We have already demoed the original version, but will be going back into the studio to cut the re-write. The tune is set, butI look for anything that will make it sound better. [Linked Image] Any helps is appreciated, Corey, believe me.

Graham and Judy--You guys are hardcore! [Linked Image] It is so interesting how people connect with songs. First--Thank you for sharing what you think. If you think it then surely someone else will too. I assume that by winge you mean "whine" in American. Where to begin--I think you are missing the point on this one--it might be my fault. They want him, not his money. He's a workaholic that is chasing the all mighty dollar. I tried to make the lyric supports this.

Warning--parental philosophy coming! [Linked Image] It is my opinion that when you don't have kids--the wife can give you fifteen minutes to yourself when you come home. However, when you have kids that run to hug you when you come in the door because they adore you so much, you don't get that luxury. The parents decided to have the kids, not the other way around. It is my experience that if you give your kids 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted time--they are so happy. They feel special and like you are actually happy to be home and seeing them. Spend a little undivided time with them and they'll be the ones to disengage--to want to play something else or watch a show, etc. I don't hear too many people on their death beds that say--"Damn, I wish I'd read more editions of the NY Times." I hope not anyway. Most people have regrets about the time they spend with their family. My husband chages the kids' diapers when I'm busy "working" on something else. I also tried to convey the fact that this guy is a little miserly with my choice of verbs--He "won't" spend the dime vs. "can't" spare it. Whew--okay--the blood pressure is coming back to normal. I'm starting to feel like myself again. [Linked Image] As a stay-at-home mom/aspiring songwriter, I taking the whole whining thing with a little bristle. If the guy was just a hard working guy trying to scrap up a living for his family that he adores and his wife was like--"See ya" I would agree. I thought the 3rd verse showed that this had been going on for a while. I will have to go back and take a look some more--I thought I proved by bridge, but perhaps not. I was going to chalk it up to a gender thing until Judy chimed in. [Linked Image]

Pam--I'm with you girlfriend! [Linked Image] As for the songs--They are long lyrics. I was trying to paint a picture of this family's life. We'll have to see how it sings. [Linked Image]

It's great to be back among the writing! [Linked Image]


#268182 - 04/25/02 09:49 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Graham Henderson (D) Offline
Graham Henderson (D)  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Esperance. West Australia
me again Ashliegh. Look out Folks. Pam's gunna blow a fuse. I just know it.
You just gave yoiurself the answer to this one's problem Ahliegh.
A workaholic would most likely not be hitting the lazyboy and fencing himself in with the paper. He would have listened to the news and any market reports effecing his line of work as he travelled twix jobs.
The ic you got hereis a regular joe wanting to have a few minutes to catch up on world events in the home he is working hard to buy and maintain for him and the family.
Yep Winge is a whine.
As someone who wqas in contracting for many years. I realy used to hate the fact the pone would ring just about every time I sat down for a meal. Both breakfast and supper but I and my fami\ly realised the farmers I worked for knew the only time i wsa near a phone was morning and evenings.
new clients quickly got told if they rang after 9,30 evenings or before 6 in the morning, they would be in deep manure because i needed my sleep and didn'rt want the kids woke up anyway.
The fix. You need to make it clear the house and budget are secure. That this guy is working to avoid closeness maybe.
She knows the daiper needs changing. Using current trends she is probably using throw aways anyways, so big deal, she can go change it then let the old man have a nurse of the nice clean bub while he reads his paper and waits for the drink she are going to make to hold him until the kids are tucked in and they can enjoy that romantic litle dinner for two she's been working on all day as a special treat for the both of them being as finances ain't quite up to affording a nice eat dinner yet.
Would have been a lot harder for her mum to do given she had that pile of nappies to doevery day instead of throw 'em in the trash. Bet she would have found time though.
What was that Bob Dillon song now?


#268183 - 04/26/02 11:50 AM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,605
Ashleigh Wehmeyer Offline
Ashleigh Wehmeyer  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,605
Fort Hood, TX

We are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I think as a good guy yourself, you are feeling the need to defend this guy. Trust me, he ain't worth it. [Linked Image] Thanks for coming back and reading my response. Hope you'll bring your same honesty to my next post. Friends? [Linked Image] LOL.

Keep posting,

#268184 - 04/26/02 12:43 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
"Tampa Stan" Good (D) Offline
Top 10 Poster
"Tampa Stan" Good (D)  Offline
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 29,275
Tampa, Florida since 1973
HIDee Ashleigh!

Wow...she's Shufflin' Off to Baltimore, Eh? "Baltimore"'s a Bit of a Distraction for Some Reason...maybe "SHUT the Door!" instead?

I, of Cuss, Got the "Guy's-Eye-VIEW" of this Scenario..& here's a Transcript of what led to a REAL "Silent Night" here recently:
"You're ALWAYS 'Too Tired to TALK!'"
"Yeah, Well, YOU'RE Always 'Too Tired for SEX...'"

Guess that Sums It All Up from the Guy's Point of View...(& I'm again.."In Big Trouble"..Heh-Heh!)

Truth be told, this is a Pretty Good "Gal's-Eye-View"..and, Yeah, it's Pretty CLEAR the Guy's Money-Hungry in This Instance. I'd chuck him & Move Back to Baltimore, too!

Check your "You're"'s...ya missed a Few: Line 2, Line 4, etc.

Your Gal Singer sounds like She's NOT too tired in bed, so I'll give this'n a "KUDOS" & hope the Schmuck she married Changes His Act...heh-heh!

Big Hugs,

#268185 - 04/26/02 09:35 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,290
Sharon I. Wells Offline
Top 100 Poster
Sharon I. Wells  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,290
Fairview, Ks. USA
Ashleigh, great to see you back...how's the sweet little one...besides all the dirty ditties?
Very nice song, agree the bridge is abrupt think perhaps just her telling him things going to have to change around there cause she ain't puttin' up with it no more, might be good. That way it leaves the song open to any listeners' own conclusion whether the marriage made it or not or may even work as a warning to those out there "hung" up in such a situation.
"Tomorrow Never Comes" is a legendary song's title...made very popular by Jim Nabors and some other artist I can't recall for the moment...though content of song is quite different, I'd suggest adding the word you already have there to the title "But" kind of gives the hook a great punch to make people want to listen and hear what's what and what's not going and what's going to happen if "but" doesn't happen. LOL Best wishes.

#268186 - 04/26/02 09:41 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Graham Henderson (D) Offline
Graham Henderson (D)  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 13,618
Esperance. West Australia
I agree Ashliegh on the agree to disagree bit. I still don't think you have done enough to make him not worth either being defended, or for the cook to hang around.
maybe i didn't make that clear enough.
Last word . True.


#268187 - 04/26/02 10:03 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 4,528
Blake Hill Offline
Top 100 Poster
Blake Hill  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 4,528
dallas, texas usa
Hi there Ashleigh,

Just a few things; overall it's pretty solid IMHO....

One small nit is the hook; almost identical to the Garth Brooks hit "IF TOMORROW NEVER COMES"...songs are different though.

Your bridge is really another verse because you use the same rhyme scheme AND it has the same number of lines as your verses. At the least i'd change the rhyme scheme up differently to set it apart more from the verses.

It MIGHT be best to pare down words that aren't necessary like in the first line:

You come home from work at night and want your time alone

"at night" is pretty much implied and not really necessary. But that might be my preference as I try hard to use the least amount of words possible.

I think the story is good and developed pretty well and enjoyed givin' it a read.

#268188 - 04/27/02 12:00 AM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,605
Ashleigh Wehmeyer Offline
Ashleigh Wehmeyer  Offline

Top 100 Poster

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 1,605
Fort Hood, TX
Stan--Thanks for stopping by. Yeah, this woman is saying, "Hey, throw me a bone." [Linked Image]Truly, though, this song is not written for guys to identify with, it's written for women who are dealing with guys like this. That is who it is supposed to resonnate (spelling?)

Sharon--The little one is great, but I must say that I have never seen a baby do #2 so much. Practically with every diaper and it's not diarrhea, at least I know he's getting enough from nursing. Now that I've grossed everyone out [Linked Image]--It's funny that you mention that the Tomorrow Never Comes title has been used a lot. I did a copyright search one time and found 171 registered copyrights under that title. [Linked Image]

Graham--You can have the last word...LOL [Linked Image]

Blake--Thanks for the read and the comments. You are right. Originally it was a 4th verse, but we changed up the music and made it a bridge, but your observations are true. Imagine...all those words and Graham still doesn't get it... [Linked Image]. OOOps, I was supposed to let him have the last word, wasn't I? [Linked Image]

Thanks everyone. It's good to get your opinions.


[This message has been edited by adw246 (edited 04-26-2002).]

#268189 - 04/28/02 09:41 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,290
Sharon I. Wells Offline
Top 100 Poster
Sharon I. Wells  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 2,290
Fairview, Ks. USA
Ashleigh, I would love to help "gross" everybody out a little more. [Linked Image] On the baby, you've probably have surmised that "breast-fed" babies do tend to have more stools...but then that is healthy...they don't have the indigestion problems bottle babies seem to tend to have. And seem to grow up better without having such a s***** outlook on life...and that was almost a quote there...but I've found it true. The experts claim it's the "closeness" of babe to mom that helps stop this negative "attitude" from developing. LOL Now have I grossed enough? Of course!

#268190 - 04/29/02 01:20 AM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes  
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
Jean Bullock Offline
Jean Bullock  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 10,330
Anaheim, CA, USA
Hi, Ashleigh!

You mentioned that the song is about a workaholic. You mention that the office calls him, but you don't really describe his
preoccupation with work. What the song really describes is a man who is inconsiderate, selfish and miserly. The song sounds whiney because it is full of complaints. Take a look at the song Cat's in the Cradle. That describes a workaholic and the consequences. Perhaps rethink the angle a bit. I worked out an example if you want it.

Hi, Honey! How was work, guess you want some time alone,
The kids are sure excited to see their Daddy's home.
I suppose they'll have to wait, you've got the Sports page in your hand
You tell ‘em you're too tired to play, I'm sure they'll understand

Anyway, if you rephrased your lines in this way, a picture is painted without the wife sounding whiney. The only other alternative to avoid the whine is to put it in third person.

How is that sweet new baby by the way? I'm glad to see you posting.


Please visit my facebook EZ3D PopUps for free papercraft templates. Great for beginners of all ages.

Favorite Sites:

#1120313 - 12/01/16 03:49 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes [Re: Ashleigh Wehmeyer]  
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Jim Colyer Offline
Top 30 Poster
Jim Colyer  Offline
Top 30 Poster

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Nashville, Tennessee usa
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

from Shakespeare's Macbeth

#1121381 - 12/22/16 11:00 PM Re: Tomorrow Never Comes [Re: Ashleigh Wehmeyer]  
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 18,408
Brian Austin Whitney Offline
Brian Austin Whitney  Offline

Top 10 Poster

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 18,408
Indianapolis, IN USA
Jim, Great seeing some of our old friends come to life again as if it were just another day.


Brian Austin Whitney
Just Plain Folks
Skype: Brian Austin Whitney
Facebook: www.facebook.com/justplainfolks

"Don't sit around and wait for success to come to you... it doesn't know the way." -Brian Austin Whitney

"It's easier to be the bigger man when you actually are..."

[Linked Image]

Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.

Join Just Plain Folks
to receive the free
JPNotes Newsletter!
*this is separate from
message board registration*

Newest Members
dironmills, antrikshbali, JameyStenson, playmoregigs, dariojohn
21005 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Average Posts Daily73
Most Online1,506
Mar 16th, 2017
Just Plain Quotes
"If someone is truly a jerk, or truly is not deserving of any positive reply from you, polite indifference is the best response you can give. Do not insult. Do not slam. Do not follow the urge to be nasty. Simply be politely indifferent." –Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
No Birthdays
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0