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#1073372 02/06/15 01:46 PM
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A lot has happened since I wrote this. My husband decided to stay and our marriage is stronger than ever. My mother-in-law passed away right after Christmas. My grandson is a healthy 18 month old...who screams and cries nearly everytime he see me. My daughter married and has given my 2 grandchildren a step-son now who she has every few weeks. Anyway, I made a few tweaks but still feel changing the word fear in most places loses its impact. I'd love some feedback. My hubby is coming to bed now so out of respect I am joining him but will come back soon to check on what everyone else has been up to and provide some of my own feedback. smile

FEAR
© 2015, Jennifer Shaner

V1
You fear you’re giving up too much
You fear you’ll hurt me more
But also fear the risk you take
by walking out our door

Chorus
(lift, maybe, before going into chorus?)
Questioning words and actions
Wondering what to do
You know my heart and where it lies
The choice is up to you

Fear you’ll leave
Fear you’ll stay
Resentful that I’m in your way
Fearing lies
Yet fear truth too
Afraid I really don’t know you

V2
I fear I disappoint too much
I fear I do need more
But also fear the risk I’ll take
To close and lock that door

Chorus
Questioning words and actions
Wondering what to do
You know my heart and where it lies
The choice is up to you

Fear you’ll leave
Fear you’ll stay
Resentful that I’m in your way
Fearing lies
Yet fear truth too
Afraid I really don’t know you

Bridge
We face some things together
Still others on our own
But I fear the choice to walk away
Is yours… and yours alone

Chorus
Questioning words and actions
Wondering what to do
You know my heart and where it lies
The choice is up to you

Fear you’ll leave
Fear you’ll stay
Resentful that I’m in your way
Fearing lies
Yet fear truth too
Afraid I really don’t know you
-or worse, it’s that I do
(last line softly said rather than sung)

Last edited by Jen Shaner; 07/30/16 12:32 AM.

Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
Jen Shaner #1073380 02/06/15 02:16 PM
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Thanks for your openness and honesty, Jen. Our deepest feelings come out in our lyrics.

Jim Colyer (D) #1073382 02/06/15 02:21 PM
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seems your packing a heavy load Jen,i wish the best for you.I think it is a real sad lyric with lots of emotion.I'm afraid i can't comment on a personal lyric of this nature however.Mike

Jim Colyer (D) #1073387 02/06/15 02:27 PM
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Jim,

Yes, my writing is my therapy...doesn't mean it's always good riting but it helps to put down. Thanks for responding.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
Michael LeBlanc #1073389 02/06/15 02:31 PM
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Hi Mike. Thanks for your kind words. I don't mind constructive criticism on my writing though, even personal stuff. It's a form of therapy and as long as someone does not criticize or attack ME I don't mind changing any lyric to improve or trash. Most of my stuff gets put away or completely revised anyway. Once the feelings are down I feel better. Then I can work on it just like any other writing.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
Jen Shaner #1073390 02/06/15 02:34 PM
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Hi Jen,

It's so nice to see you, although I'm very sorry to hear about all you're going through...

Your lyric is very tender and touching and packed with emotion and angst.

My only thought was to maybe cut down on the word "fear" in the verses? I fooled with it a little, using words like "worry" and "think" and "say" -- but it lost something without all the "fears" -- so I think my thought was wrong!

Lisa

Lisa Gundling #1073433 02/06/15 10:24 PM
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I'm so sorry for your troubles Jen,

Good to see you here writin' again!

Lisa gave you some good words for thought!

I'll add

It hurts to know

It kills me to see

Somethin' along those lines!

Geneva

Lisa Gundling #1073837 02/10/15 06:47 PM
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Hi Lisa, Thanks for responding. These last few days have been crazy. My grandson is coming home today. He was 7 lbs., 14 oz. and 21 inches long...absolute perfection! Time watching my granddaughter was a bit hectic though. Not only was she sick but she gave me the virus so I'm home from work. My phone also won't work so I was in the woods, no phone, and a sick 2 1/2 yr. old.
My hubby and I have a lot to work on but at this time he still wants to try. I guess I'll just have to see how things go.

Anyways, as for my lyric, I also thought about using other words than repeating fear. Like you, it seemed to lose something when I did. Thanks for your thoughts!


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
nightengale #1073838 02/10/15 06:50 PM
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Hi Geneva! Thanks you for your creative response and caring.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
Jen Shaner #1073841 02/10/15 07:21 PM
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Simply put and effective, Jen. It's all believable.
You have good therapy working for you.

Vic


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Jen Shaner #1073846 02/10/15 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Jen Shaner
I'm not on much these days...lots of stress (grandson being delivered by c-section tomorrow, mother-in-law terminal,and more) but it finally overflowed into a lyric when my hubby announced desire to separate after 22 years of marriage...still here but decision will be made in September.This may still need more work...written in about an hour with a change in the chorus after a few thoughts from friends (last line of chorus followed by final spoken line at end of piece)...all feedback appreciated.


FEAR

V1

You fear you’re giving up too much
You fear you’ll hurt me more
But also fear the risk you take
by walking out our door
(lift, maybe, before going into chorus?)
Questioning words and actions
Wondering what to do
You know my heart and where it lies
The choice is up to you

Chorus

I fear you’ll leave
I fear you’ll stay
Resentful that I’m in your way
I fear the lies
I fear truth too
Afraid I really don’t know you

V2

I fear I disappoint too much
I fear I do need more
But also fear the risk I’ll take
To close and lock that door
(lift, maybe, before going into chorus?)
Questioning words and actions
Wondering what to do
For how can I recover when
My heart remains with you?

Chorus

I fear you’ll leave
I fear you’ll stay
Resentful that I’m in your way
I fear the lies
I fear truth too
Afraid I really don’t know you

Bridge

We face some fears together
Still others on our own
But I fear the choice to walk away
Is yours… and yours alone

Chorus

I fear you’ll leave
I fear you’ll stay
Resentful that I’m in your way
I fear the lies
I fear truth too
Afraid I really don’t know you
-or worse, it’s that I do
(last line softly said rather than sung)


Gosh Jen,

So sorry to hear how much you have on your plate these days; it sure seems like when it rains it pours, huh? The only positive spin I can put on this menu of misery (hook alert?) is by sharing something a friend in similar multiple straits experienced: because she had so many things to worry about, she said no individual issue had the power to overwhelm her -- she would just switch her worry over to the next one. For what it's worth....

Still, that doesn't minimize the over-all impact of your complicated situation, and you have conveyed the understandable myriad of emotions in a very palpable way in your lyric. Personally, I like the repetition of the word FEAR, as it brings home the truth, that that one WORD is coloring everything.

I also thing your bridge is particularly compelling. Choice and control are two very powerful factors in our lives -- especially at such crossroads -- and I totally get how much is OUT of your control right now. Please keep in mind though, while we can't control how other people behave, we do have control over how we react to them.

On that note Jen, good luck with this very heartfelt lyric. More importantly though, I wish you much strength as you navigate the waters ahead. Sending positive vibes your way....

Take care,
Beth


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Vicarn #1074042 02/13/15 03:23 AM
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Thanks Vic! Writing poetry and lyrics has always worked better for me than keeping a journal.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
Beth G. Williams #1074043 02/13/15 03:32 AM
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Thank you Beth for your very thoughtful and kind response. Things are definitely tough right now but I have a new grandson to fuss over which helps. smile

I like your suggestion and have begun working on "Switch One Worry For Another"...may take awhile but I do have a possible chorus almost finished. Thanks for helping me find my creative side against all this frustration and stress.

I hate not being able to read everyone's stuff like I use to. I'm working long crazy hours and have begun volunteering at the legal aid office on my days off. It doesn't leave much time for music but it helps to keep me busy, leaving less time for worry.

Thanks again for your thoughts. I'm glad you liked my lyric.


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
Jen Shaner #1111814 07/30/16 12:34 AM
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I have made,and posted, a (slightly) revised version. I am not as emotional now looking at it and appreciate feedback, good or bad. Thanks!


Jennifer (Jinx) Shaner
Jen Shaner #1116784 10/04/16 01:42 PM
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God bless you, and I hope you haven't suffered too much. You have plenty of material for new song lyrics I am sure. Peace. Am a friend on Facebook but am not on there very much.


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