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This is a new tune that I am working on. Last November, I spent a hard night of the soul in a hospital room rolling over everything I've ever done wrong in my life. I had no intention of writing about it but I heard that Dylan Klebold's mother (one of the Columbine shooters) wrote a book. I can't imagine the courage that took. I guess she inspired me. I messed up a little in one section and I am trying to consider some slight tweaks to the melody. This is in D modal tuning so I'm out of my league already trying to figure that out. Thoughts on that in particular would be awesome. Thanks for listening. http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=13322189Night is unkind In this hospital room This damn chair It hurts my back Your IV gets tangled With your breathing tube And it beeps Every time you thrash Outside the room There's a security guard And the nurses They look away I ain't got no change For the vending machine That's okay I can't eat anyway Not every mother's son is a killer Not every father's daughter is adored He could have been a writer Or a builder He could have been someone else's But he's yours.. On the news tonight A million voices They're all saying What you are But all I can see Is my baby and me Reading books About dinosaurs Not every mother's son is a killer Not every father's daughter is adored He could have been a writer Or a builder He could have been someone else's but he's yours He was yours
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Really liked your voice, and the depth of feeling you put into this! I didn't like the melody or the lyrics in the verses. I did like the 4th verse lyric. Good chorus lines. I'm not familiar with your work so I'm wondering why you used D modal, (unless you were just looking for a different sound) I played some D's, G's and A's in standard and it sounded good. This song's verses were giving me a Bowie vibe, (Aladdin Sane). You may find some inspiration there. (or not if that's not your cup of Kool-Aid! ) Lots to like here-well worth pursuing, best of luck! -Mike
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Hi Wendy, Good to see you in here ! What can I say....your voice is SWEET. I 'd love to see you re-record it and make your vocals a bit louder, I want to here more vocals ! Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Hi Wendy,
The natural suspended chords you get with DADGAD work to the songs advantage. I like how you let the high strings ring out rather sparely. After "but he's yours" it's a real strong moment for the guitar, and that Asus chord is powerful. Maybe even strum a bit stronger/louder there--it's a great contrast with the guitar in the verses.
The lyric is really intimate on a sad subject. Detailed yet poetic, and it puts me there with the singer.
I love the chorus. It makes me think these could have been the thoughts of a Columbine mom--one whose innocent child's life hangs in the balance and these are her thoughts. Or any parent whose child was a victim of a hate crime, really.
But because of:
On the news tonight A million voices They're all saying What you are But all I can see Is my baby and me Reading books About dinosaurs
It narrows down my reading to that of a mom whose son went bad, like Kliebold's. It's a gut punch, and amazing writing, even though it kind of limits who one can imagine the singer to be.
If your intention was for the singer to be someone like Kliebold's mom, that works if we accept the singer as talking (to and about herself) in a disassociative state with "but he's yours." Otherwise, consider "but he's mine" --even when we talk to ourselves we tend to put things this way. Otherwise, the end of the chorus might be confusing to some, as if the chorus is being sung by a different person than that who is singing in the verses and bridge.
If by chance your intention was that the person in the hospital bed is not the killer they're talking about on the radio then the security guard by the door is a bit misleading, as is the use of second person in the bridge. But this reading seems a longshot.
If/when you sing this out be sure to preface it like you did here.
I hope you have this recorded properly. It's very powerful writing. I miss hearing all the delicate nuance in your voice when there's a little bit of compression on it, to bring it forward and even it out.
Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 02/21/16 08:39 AM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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It's good to hear you again but wow, what a tough subject you've chosen. It's obviously self-recorded but if you do it over, your vocal wants to be louder and can still be heartbreakingly tender.
To me this is all about a mother of a son that has done something really bad so I'm not sure why you would introduce a father and daughter in the chorus? And since it's the mother talking to her injured, wayward son, why not keep that POV in the chorus as well? It keeps the story focused and more powerful.
Ricki
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I can tell you're feeling this one, Wendy. It's a tough subject to gain sympathy with but you did it.
I agree about the vocal needs upping a tad but that's easily fixed.
Just one sugg. for the "father/daughter" line if you need it:
"Not every mother's son is adored".
Vic
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Thanks for the feedback folks. I believe I may let this one percolate a bit more. Probably take it down. I had a couple of goals I was trying to achieve w/this & I think it is falling short.
The first four verses are drawn from my personal experience of spending a night in the ER watching my kid after she tried to commit suicide. Some of it is also drawn from my heart break over my brother who is now serving time for trafficking child porn. I guess I was really trying to say something about how it feels to be the mom, sister, brother of someone who does things you can't understand but you continue to love them, while being angry. Grieving what they've done & feeling that you could have done more to help them.
But if it don't work, then it don't.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.
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Hi,
Even though we live far apart and probably will never meet, I want you to know I consider you a real friend Wendy.
and WOW...I wish you and your family well.
Calvin
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Aw thanks, Calvin. I figure God wants me to keep writing songs by providing me with an endless font of drama for inspiration.
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Wendy,
It's easily fixed, depending on what your intention is, as to POV.
Just a pronoun or two needs changing to render a consistent POV to one resembling Kliebold's mom.
As the chorus appears to change POV, it vaguely resembles a "Greek Chorus" singing back to the singer (and audience) and could work, as is, by simply having another female singer sing that part. Maybe consider making this a duet?
EDIT: But let's say the hospital bed person is a different person from the killer, and you are singing as you.
This makes the chorus work perfectly without change. When you sing "he's yours" we know the killer is out there somewhere else, probably dead, and moreover is no kin to the singer.
This raises the question, though, looking back at V1-4, as to who the person in the hospital bed is, to you. All we know from what is given that it is not the killer, even though the hospitalized one has a security guard in front of the door, and the nurses turn away. You are alluding to what you told us in your last post, but maybe there's not enough in V1-4 to gather in the motives for the nurses behavior and the guard standing watch?
It seems you were hoping that we'd "get" that the hospitalized one is different, simply by allusive means--but it's a slippery thing your doing, having mentioned the security guard, and giving no concrete details. You were trying to protect someone's privacy and yet get who they were across with no allusions to gender or why they're being hospitalized. A very, very hard thing to do!
I know! Maybe allude to some feminine detail, somewhere in V1-4! That might be enough? And maybe lose the security guard. If you want an allusion to a suicide attempt, maybe somehow mention her having her stomach pumped, instead of the breathing tube.
Then the only problems left are V5-6, and it's because you call the killer son out, in the second person,
"They're all saying What you are"
and that you is very confusing, as you next talk about
"But all I can see Is my baby and me Reading books About dinosaurs"
which we are seeing as being the same person as you're talking about in V4, with "what you are"
But by simply saying "what he is" solves two problems: you put distance between you and the killer, and 2) it forces you to find a more feminine book than one of dinosaurs, since your rhyme would now be gone, and you'd be forced to with ""EEZ" or "EE-iz".
So achieving what you intended is not the hardest thing to do. All the emotion is already there, just the mechanics of how the pronouns work, need to be updated. That and giving us a feminine detail somewhere in V1-4. One feminine detail and we're seeing a girl in the hospital bed, and when we get to "what he is" we'll then, in hindsight, know that you are in that hospital room thinking about this boy killer who's out there, while you suffer through someone younger and female (in the hospital bed) that you are close to, and you are trying to make sense out of life. We'd get all that with just a few tweaks.
Yours is the bravest write I've seen in quite a while. Don't give up on it!
Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 02/22/16 11:02 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Wendy, I'm not sure where you feel it falls short? We get the parent/child thing, whether mother/son, father/daughter. We get the grief and the anguish. What are we missing? This is right in the pocket of the thread Mike Z. started about how to critique a personal song. You are writing from a very personal place but not with your personal facts, only the pain and unconditional love. We obviously don't know the facts because the song doesn't tell us, but we get the emotion. So, what are we not getting?
All good things,
Ricki
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Post deleted by Martin James
Last edited by Martin James; 02/21/16 10:46 PM.
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Just an update on this. I think I have figured out what I'm doing.
Thanks for the feedback. I am going to let this thread die now.
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