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Joined: Aug 2008
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This is an oldie that's been revised ad nauseam. Had a quick look at it yesterday and decided to revert mostly back to the original (with a few new changes). (Yes, I know there are a couple of cliches. And I expect the hook has been used in plenty of other songs.) Hoping to end up with a simple, tender little love song. I have a head melody. In line 3 of the bridge, the word 'extraordinary is drawn out, and the last two syllables match up with 'to be in line 2. Have at it, folks. Ordinary ManV1 Feeling, knowing, healing With their simple grace Your fingers touch my face Brush away cares of the day Pre-chorus Your hand on my cheek Means I don't need to speak Chorus Even if I miss the mark Trying to do the best I can Your smiling eyes look tenderly On this ordinary man V2 Creating, loving, waiting How you want to please And put me right at ease Make me feel all kinds of peace Pre-chorus Your hand on my arm Works its own special charm Chorus Even if I miss the mark Trying to do the best I can Your smiling eyes look tenderly On this ordinary man Bridge Knowing you're near Gives me the strength to be Someone ...extraordinary Chorus Even if I miss the mark Trying to do the best I can Your smiling eyes look tenderly On this ordinary man Tag This ordinary man Doing the best I can © 2010-2015 Donna Devine
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Hi Donna, This is downright beautiful and elegant writing, from the use of three gerund-ed words to start each verse to the chorus and bridge and beyond. There's a nice balance between him talking about her and himself. The verses lean towards her and the chorus towards him, and that helps create a nice tension between song parts. This is a man who appreciates his beloved's tactile ways, and I love the pre-choruses that go to different (physical) places with that idea. The bridge too is a really nice bit of writing. You found a way to make the "you make me want to be a better man" sentiment really pop and feel fresh. But it's the chorus I love most here. The singer has a nice dose of humility towards his good fortune to have this woman as his beloved, and it's just plain beautiful. If I had to really really try hard to find a "weakest link" here, it might be the second couplet of V1, but that's probably because I can't imagine this completely metaphorically, and actually see her "fixing" his dirty face a little bit. I know I know. I can be a "literalist" and I am constantly fighting these urges. Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 12/01/15 07:52 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Joined: Jun 2006
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Some tender words! I edited V2.
Creating, loving, waiting How you want to please Put me right at ease Leave me feeling peace
Make 'em tight.
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Hi Donna,
I don't recall the original, but this is such a sweet love story!
The chorus is my favorite, deep simple words!
Geneva
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Mike, Jim, and Geneva, thank so much for reading this, and for your comments. Mike, I originally had 'cares' then changed it to 'remains' (though I didn't like it much). Meanwhile, I've gone back to 'cares'. I think it's the kind of word a guy would use. I'm still pondering line 4, V2, though. it feels awkwardly wordy, but I need something that matches the metering in line 4, V1. Wondering as well whether I should switch lines 2 & 3 around in V1. Maybe have the fingers appearing sooner. Donna
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Mike, Jim, and Geneva, thank so much for reading this, and for your comments. Mike, I originally had 'cares' then changed it to 'remains' (though I didn't like it much). Meanwhile, I've gone back to 'cares'. I think it's the kind of word a guy would use. I'm still pondering line 4, V2, though. it feels awkwardly wordy, but I need something that matches the metering in line 4, V1. Wondering as well whether I should switch lines 2 & 3 around in V1. Maybe have the fingers appearing sooner. Donna Hi Donna, "Brush away cares of the day" makes it clear the singer is saying that metaphorically, and that's good, but "brush away the remains of the day" has a nicer ring to it, so it's a toss up, for me. Kazuo Ishiguro named his famous book that, and he's a Japenese man whose lived in Great Britain most of his life--so I think "remains" is the eloquent choice, and "cares" is better if you want to force a metaphorical read on that line, though it lacks the elegance of "remains." "Make(s?) me feel all kinds of peace" --I like "all kinds of peace" cuz it's original and I know just what the singer means by that, and kind of breaks all the rules (a good thing sometimes!) cuz "peace" can't really be quantified like that, yet the line does just that. The "make(s) me feel" part is a little less eloquent. Maybe go for an inner rhyme with "all" in that first part, as in "enthralls me with all kinds of peace." Not that enthralls works there, that's just an example to show you what I mean. Switching around lines 2 & 3 in V1 would give you a more traditional rhyme scheme, but it feels like the action would then be in "Memento" sequence--backwards, as it were, so I am not sure that would improve anything. Mike
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Thanks for your further comments, Mike. Much appreciated. It was in fact Ishiguro's title that reminded me of the word. (Wonderful book & movie. Quite poignant.) I agree 'remains' has an elegance about it. Not sure though whether it suits the simplicity of the lyric. Still deliberating. I'll give further thought to line 4, V2. I quite like the sequence of lines in V1, but someone elsewhere had suggested it might be more effective to introduce the fingers earlier, before the verb 'brush' away. Frankly, I don't see that it would make much difference. I'll sleep on it. Donna
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Hi Donna , A nice poignant story, Looks like its been worked over pretty good already Line 4, v 1, I wanted to get "erase" in there some way instead of brush away and the preceding line , she might have soft fingers instead of just fingera The fourth line of V 2, I wasn't real taken with--Maybe be feels a "flood" of peace or inner peace or something. What's already there is good though. Excellent C Shows what a few well chosen words can do Write on
Last edited by Wyman Lloyd; 12/02/15 09:31 PM.
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