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by Fdemetrio - 04/25/24 01:36 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/24/24 10:25 AM
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by Sunset Poet - 04/24/24 08:09 AM
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by Fdemetrio - 04/20/24 12:36 PM
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Another one from the current 50-90 Challenge. I hear it heartfelt singer-songwriter. Constructive critique welcome. Donna NEW VERSION (with new chorus) 15.09: Further changes made. ***Wondering now whether to change chorus line 1 to this: 'In the ashes of memory an ember still glows' Or is that too cheesily poetic? It would also take away from the meaning of the 'ashes' referring to the singer's life gradually drawing to an end. Mind you, that's not very clear in any case. *** Just realised the rhyme scheme for the chorus and the verses was the same (AABB). I've changed it for the verses (now ABAB). Deep in the AshesChorus Deep in the ashes, an ember still glows Lighting up moments I carefully chose They'll brighten my heart When it's time for the end of my journey to startV1 The sting of stars on a winter night The murmur of leaves when forests grow dark The crunch of snow before first light The shimmer of hues in a rainbow's arc Chorus Deep in the ashes, an ember still glows Lighting up moments I carefully chose They'll brighten my heart When it's time for the end of my journey to startV2 A kitten's paw upon my cheek A laugh and a tear with friends that I've made A cabin porch near a backwoods creek A poem read in an oak tree's shade Bridge But you most of all ...Whose memory I've kept High on my mantelOf deepest regrets The letting you go ...Letting you go .....Letting you go Chorus Deep in the ashes, an ember still glows Lighting up moments I carefully chose They'll brighten my heart When it's time for the end of my journey to start© 2015 Donna Devine
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I think it's real good, one small nit from me, I think it would be better to end EACH chorus like the 1st line..... What will I miss When it's time to depart? Will I wish I'd been granted More years from the start? What will I miss What are the things I'll miss?
Calvin http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart
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Very poetic Donna a touch of William Wordsworth, who incidentally lived twenty minutes away from me at Dove cottage. Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Thanks, Calvin. Glad you like this. I agree about that last line. It should mirror the first line, especially as it's the hook. I've made the change. Interestingly, someone on another forum made the same suggestion. Thanks for having a look, Travis. Not sure what William would have made of a cabin porch near a backwoods creek, but I think it's neat that you live so close to where he used to. Donna
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Very poetic Donna a touch of William Wordsworth, who incidentally lived twenty minutes away from me at Dove cottage. Travis I studied the Romantic poets in college, Travis: Wordsworth, Coleridge, Byron, Shelley and Keats.
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Very thoughtful, Donna! Life is a passing thing. We'll never figure it out.
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Thanks for dropping by and commenting, Jim. Meanwhile, I have a completely new title/hook and chorus. Donna
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I enjoyed this read very much, DonnaMarilyn. Well done.
Peace,
David
"Where there's a Gill, there's a way"
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Thank you, David. Donna
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Hi Donna,
Very strong writing, here. I love the "list" format of the verses and how it ties in with the chorus, and the visual imagery in the chorus.
The only possible improvement I can imagine is the thought of maybe finding, in the bridge, a metaphor closer to fireplace and embers, like in the chorus, instead of the "vault" that gets uses in the bridge. My thinking is that if you keep the metaphors in the "fire" family that maybe the lyric resonates stronger. Just a thought. Love this. Great writing, though and through.
Mike
Last edited by Michael Zaneski; 08/29/15 08:05 PM.
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Hi Mike, That's a good point. I've changed lines 3 & 4 in the bridge to maintain the notion of a fireplace. Does it work better? Donna
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Hi Mike, That's a good point. I've changed lines 3 & 4 in the bridge to maintain the notion of a fireplace. Does it work better? Donna Nice! I was thinking "inside the fireplace" but mantels are right above. I like it. Mike
Fate doesn't hang on a wrong or right choice Fortune depends on the tone of your voice
-The Divine Comedy (Neil Hannon) from the song "Songs of Love" from the album "Casanova" (1996)
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Thanks, Mike. Meanwhile, I've changed the end of the chorus. I never did like the word 'depart' there. I've also made a few other changes, to facilitate a better flow. I hope the adjustments are an improvement. Donna
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As Mike said, strong writing Looks like it's been pretty well worked over--on two or three read throughs,I didn't find much to pick at On the first C line I'd favor the change you suggested. Especially with the Chorus leading off, with it the way it was it comes to mind right away--What ashes? Not too poetic forme--the whole piece is somewhat poetic anyway--my favorite kind
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Thanks muchly, Wy. Very useful feedback. Donna
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this is really nice Donna!Mike
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