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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160
Likes: 5
C
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C
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160
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this is connected to Phantom of the Opry so I'm breaking my code and posting it. smile

Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building ©2015 Robert George BMI

I was in a run down Memphis tavern
Under dark and gloomy skies
When an old man sat beside me
Who had hollow, rheumy eyes
We both listened to the jukebox
As it blasted “Don’t Be Cruel”
When that classic song was over
He spun toward me on his stool

He said, “I was sleepin’ on the curbside
Four blocks down on Union Street
Fog was pulled across the sidewalk
Like a pale, white sheet
Through the brick walls of the building
Singing floated in the air
I heard haunted slap-back echo
And to this day I swear

“Elvis hasn’t left the building
Long ago he caught a mystery train
To a Graceland on a higher plain
Though that may be true
I am tellin’ you
Elvis hasn’t left the building


There are nights when Union St. is quiet
Cos he heads to Tupelo
After visiting his mama
He’s back for another show

“Elvis hasn’t left the building
Long ago he caught a mystery train
To a Graceland on a higher plain
Though that may be true
I am tellin’ you
Elvis hasn’t left the building

[i]There are legends told about the Ryman
Tales of Hank and Patsy Cline
Voices in the walls, echoes down the halls
People claim they’ve heard the signs
Cos there’s something in a singer’s spirit
That can leave a random trace
And it may not be, immortality
But it has a phantom grace

Elvis hasn’t left the building
Long ago he caught a mystery train
To a Graceland on a higher plain
Though that may be true
I am tellin’ you
Elvis hasn’t left the building”

There are times when Union St. is quiet
Cos he heads to Tupelo
After visiting his brother
He’s back for a midnight show…







[/i]


Nashville demos etc:

https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=431939

other demos:

https://soundcloud.com/wabash-cannibal

Amazon Kindle books by Robert George you may enjoy:

1) Americana

2) Teenage Graceland

3) The Will to Be

4) Fort Mystery

5) Wheel Sea

6) My One True Love
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329
J
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J
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329
Hi CG, I really like hook/idea, twisting around a famous statement, you've probably got the music/collab sussed out but I wonder if it might be louder with less words,

I was in a run down Memphis tavern
Under dark and gloomy skies
When an old man sat beside me
Who had hollow, rheumy eyes
We both listened to the jukebox
As it blasted “Don’t Be Cruel”
When that classic song was over
He spun toward me on his stool

I'm hearing
In a run down Memphis tavern
Under dark and gloomy skies
An old man sat beside me
With hollow, rheumy eyes
We listened to the jukebox
Blasting “Don’t Be Cruel”
When that classic was over
He spun toward me on his stool,

to me this last line is feels awkward and worthless. the singer has already seen his eyes and it doesn't blend with the hook, I'd go something like

When that classic was over
He said long gone but still cool.

chorus wise
“Elvis hasn’t left the building
Long ago he caught a mystery train
To a Graceland on a higher plain
Though that may be true
I am tellin’ you
Elvis hasn’t left the building

again if the melody is already set in stone no prob, but with nothing audible is hitting my ear drums, I'm thinking

“Elvis hasn’t left the building
He just took the mystery train
To Graceland on a higher plain
But everywhere you look
In every little nook
Elvis hasn’t left the building

CG I suspect my words fall on deaf ears, but I've had a few drams so I'm still merry
All the best, john


please vist
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=429802
to hear my lyrics recorded by musicians world wide
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160
Likes: 5
C
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C
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160
Likes: 5
Thanks John, I appreciate the advice and I'll briefly say why I probably wouldn't use it. Your lines don't meter and you can't use a word like "nook" in a ghost song. That one line is saying the guy specifically turned on his stool to face him and begin his story. It's a transition line that needs to be there for two strangers. In a video, you can see it. The way you have it phrased doesn't even make sense. What's long gone? The song? It's not gone, they just heard it and he's about to say Elvis isn't gone, either.

Less words isn't always better. Flow, meter and coherence matter way more. Just my view. smile


Nashville demos etc:

https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=431939

other demos:

https://soundcloud.com/wabash-cannibal

Amazon Kindle books by Robert George you may enjoy:

1) Americana

2) Teenage Graceland

3) The Will to Be

4) Fort Mystery

5) Wheel Sea

6) My One True Love
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 240
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 240
Yes Meter reading through Couch Grous's lines

the strong beats of the chosen meter hit me straight away

something that not many on here seem to be able to understand

Couch is right on the ball with this, he obviously sings his

lines as he writes, A collaborator who knows what he's

doing music wise , would suggest re writes on some lines because

great music will dictate that, and thats how hits are written

being commercial simply means every one wants to hear the song

again , I dont know why some consider that word commercial being

something they seem to avoid


One of the most important principles of songwriting is to remember that a good song is a partnership of many different components, all working together to produce a satisfying musical experience.

In that respect, song components are either enhancing or compromising their combined effects.
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160
Likes: 5
C
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C
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160
Likes: 5
Thanks Cheyenne. Meter is extremely important and its disregard is a main reason for weak melodies in most areas of pop music, including those written by pros.

I might have a slightly different view of what's commercial than you, though, haha. To me, a commercial song isn't necessarily one that everyone wants to hear. It's one that a group of people want to hear for years and years to come. Once the video falls off rotation on CMT and the record label is no longer spending big money promoting it, are you gonna wanna pour a cup of coffee and listen to that r ecord in twenty years? I still love Atlantic City as much now as I did back in the summer of 1982. I'm not sure if people will feel the same about Aw Naw in 2045 regardless how many bought it now. smile

Last edited by couchgrouch; 08/03/15 03:22 PM.

Nashville demos etc:

https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=431939

other demos:

https://soundcloud.com/wabash-cannibal

Amazon Kindle books by Robert George you may enjoy:

1) Americana

2) Teenage Graceland

3) The Will to Be

4) Fort Mystery

5) Wheel Sea

6) My One True Love

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