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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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OP
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Joined: Dec 2000
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this is connected to Phantom of the Opry so I'm breaking my code and posting it.
Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building ©2015 Robert George BMI
I was in a run down Memphis tavern Under dark and gloomy skies When an old man sat beside me Who had hollow, rheumy eyes We both listened to the jukebox As it blasted “Don’t Be Cruel” When that classic song was over He spun toward me on his stool
He said, “I was sleepin’ on the curbside Four blocks down on Union Street Fog was pulled across the sidewalk Like a pale, white sheet Through the brick walls of the building Singing floated in the air I heard haunted slap-back echo And to this day I swear
“Elvis hasn’t left the building Long ago he caught a mystery train To a Graceland on a higher plain Though that may be true I am tellin’ you Elvis hasn’t left the building
There are nights when Union St. is quiet Cos he heads to Tupelo After visiting his mama He’s back for another show
“Elvis hasn’t left the building Long ago he caught a mystery train To a Graceland on a higher plain Though that may be true I am tellin’ you Elvis hasn’t left the building
[i]There are legends told about the Ryman Tales of Hank and Patsy Cline Voices in the walls, echoes down the halls People claim they’ve heard the signs Cos there’s something in a singer’s spirit That can leave a random trace And it may not be, immortality But it has a phantom grace Elvis hasn’t left the building Long ago he caught a mystery train To a Graceland on a higher plain Though that may be true I am tellin’ you Elvis hasn’t left the building” There are times when Union St. is quiet Cos he heads to Tupelo After visiting his brother He’s back for a midnight show…
[/i]
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 329 |
Hi CG, I really like hook/idea, twisting around a famous statement, you've probably got the music/collab sussed out but I wonder if it might be louder with less words,
I was in a run down Memphis tavern Under dark and gloomy skies When an old man sat beside me Who had hollow, rheumy eyes We both listened to the jukebox As it blasted “Don’t Be Cruel” When that classic song was over He spun toward me on his stool
I'm hearing In a run down Memphis tavern Under dark and gloomy skies An old man sat beside me With hollow, rheumy eyes We listened to the jukebox Blasting “Don’t Be Cruel” When that classic was over He spun toward me on his stool,
to me this last line is feels awkward and worthless. the singer has already seen his eyes and it doesn't blend with the hook, I'd go something like
When that classic was over He said long gone but still cool.
chorus wise “Elvis hasn’t left the building Long ago he caught a mystery train To a Graceland on a higher plain Though that may be true I am tellin’ you Elvis hasn’t left the building
again if the melody is already set in stone no prob, but with nothing audible is hitting my ear drums, I'm thinking
“Elvis hasn’t left the building He just took the mystery train To Graceland on a higher plain But everywhere you look In every little nook Elvis hasn’t left the building
CG I suspect my words fall on deaf ears, but I've had a few drams so I'm still merry All the best, john
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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OP
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Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
Thanks John, I appreciate the advice and I'll briefly say why I probably wouldn't use it. Your lines don't meter and you can't use a word like "nook" in a ghost song. That one line is saying the guy specifically turned on his stool to face him and begin his story. It's a transition line that needs to be there for two strangers. In a video, you can see it. The way you have it phrased doesn't even make sense. What's long gone? The song? It's not gone, they just heard it and he's about to say Elvis isn't gone, either. Less words isn't always better. Flow, meter and coherence matter way more. Just my view.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 240
Serious Contributor
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Serious Contributor
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 240 |
Yes Meter reading through Couch Grous's lines
the strong beats of the chosen meter hit me straight away
something that not many on here seem to be able to understand
Couch is right on the ball with this, he obviously sings his
lines as he writes, A collaborator who knows what he's
doing music wise , would suggest re writes on some lines because
great music will dictate that, and thats how hits are written
being commercial simply means every one wants to hear the song
again , I dont know why some consider that word commercial being
something they seem to avoid
One of the most important principles of songwriting is to remember that a good song is a partnership of many different components, all working together to produce a satisfying musical experience.
In that respect, song components are either enhancing or compromising their combined effects.
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5
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OP
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Posts: 8,160 Likes: 5 |
Thanks Cheyenne. Meter is extremely important and its disregard is a main reason for weak melodies in most areas of pop music, including those written by pros. I might have a slightly different view of what's commercial than you, though, haha. To me, a commercial song isn't necessarily one that everyone wants to hear. It's one that a group of people want to hear for years and years to come. Once the video falls off rotation on CMT and the record label is no longer spending big money promoting it, are you gonna wanna pour a cup of coffee and listen to that r ecord in twenty years? I still love Atlantic City as much now as I did back in the summer of 1982. I'm not sure if people will feel the same about Aw Naw in 2045 regardless how many bought it now.
Last edited by couchgrouch; 08/03/15 03:22 PM.
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