JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum Goodbye Julie - By Stephen Lyons

(This is something i wrote for a girl i cared a lot about.{yeah, she broke my heart...wahhh.}let me know what ya'all think...thanks.)

Goodbye Julie


I cant hide the way im feelin
thoughts of you they send me reelin
im feeling bad
and i just dont know why

cause you say you really love me
and everyday your thinking of me
i cant lie
i dont know if thats just a line

cause i know were on borrowed time
when i look in your blue eyes shining
i think about how long weve been friends
and how i dont want this love to end
I want to keep you here with me
I want to love you honestly
I want to kiss you in a crowd
I want to say i love you out loud

and i dont know how this will end
but i cant go back to being friends
I want to show you how i feel
I want you to know this love is real...

Something borrowed
Something blue
Something old and
Something new

Thats what they'll say to you before you go...
And i'll watch you walk away
nothing more that i can say
Except i wish that i could have just one more day...with you.

By Stephen Lyons

Goodbye Julie


I cant hide the way im feelin
thoughts of you they send me reelin
im feeling bad
and i just dont know why???????

you do know why.....She left you and is marrying someone else..but we have to wait till the end to guess that form the something borrowed somthing blue..??? I may be wrong here..

can you say something like..
How could you leave me just becuase Im a...
guitar player?
drug dealer?
loser?
so many choices to fill us in with ...

cause you say you really love me
and everyday your thinking of me
i cant lie
i dont know if thats just a line

suddenly you jump into being with her present tense:-now Im confused where she is right now.,,,,
cause i know were on borrowed time
when i look in your blue eyes shining
i think about how long weve been friends
and how i dont want this love to end
I want to keep you here with me
I want to love you honestly
I want to kiss you in a crowd
I want to say i love you out loud

and i dont know how this will end
but i cant go back to being friends
I want to show you how i feel
I want you to know this love is real...

Something borrowed
Something blue
Something old and
Something new

Thats what they'll say to you before you go...???? they say they want something blue?
Im lost now sorry.

" And i'll watch you walk away
nothing more that i can say
Except i wish that i could have just one more day...with you...."

By Stephen Lyons[/B][/QUOTE]


I think Im just too confused, help me with the story !!! Sorry if Im not helping you here.

Liana



[This message has been edited by Katziis (edited 03-26-2004).]

HIDee Steve!

Fer Starters, hit the li'l Icon at top line that's got a Pen-&-Paper & Ammend this to have a "(C) 2004 by" {Yourself}
& There ya Are..Copyrighted!

OK, the Song Itself: Few too many "Cliches" & "Obviously Overworked Rhymes" in here, BUT you got something Overall I like in this Baby. It's called "Honesty".
Your Care-&-Concern Shines through it.

V1's "Feelin'/reelin'" Rhymes are kinda well-worn. Too "Obvious". But pretend I never said that, OK, 'cuz after I read it 3 or more times it now "Sounds OK" & let's Let It Slide...this ONE Time....heh~! Recommend "still" in place of "they" Line 2. Delete "just" in Line 4. Both of those words are called "Filler Words" & add near-zilch to what you Wanna Say in Every Real-Important Line.

Next Verse the "love me/ thinking of me" pairing is as Old-as-Methusala (Sp?), WORKS OK, BUT recommend ya attempt to say the Same/Similar Thing with some FRESH Words-n-Rhymes. If that Gal was THAT Special, she deserves Better Rhymes here.
JMO, of cuss!

Little "Punctuation Lesson" to mention at this point: Nothin' spells "Amateur Writer" to a Serious Publisher than missin' Apostrophes all over the Place. Take the time to proofread your Babies & Put 'em ALL In! "Can't/I'm/You'RE/Feelin'/Reelin'/Don't/That's/We've" all leap out at ya right off the bat. Maybe this worked for ee cummings, but he warn't a Songwriter...heh!

Next Verse has the Cliche "on borrowed time" which'd be a No-No, sorty, but again, after 3 reads It Passes OK.
The "Blue Eyes Shining" is sorty "Yodaspeak" yet Beautifully Poetic. Be AWARE that "Poetic" rarely SHOULD make an Intrusion on an Otherwise CONVERSATIONAL Kinda Lyric, 'cuz it USUALLY DOESN'T WORK! But I LOVE the Line, wouldn't change it no matter what Any of the "Experts" think. Rules wuz made to be Broken..heh! Overall, a truly GORGEOUSLY-HONEST Verse (BRIDGE, Really), & "KUDOS" for it, Amigo!

Next Verse has a Cliche on Every Line. Dern! Yet it Works (Almost) OK. I, as an Admittedly-Jaded-Listener, WISH you'd come up with NEW Ways to Say OLD Things.
That's really Your DUTY as a Nowadays Songwriter, if you're gonna go out & Compete with all the OTHER Folks who're writin' the Next Hits. INVENT that "Next Cliche"...it'll Pay Off!!!

Search your Wounded Heart--you've ALREADY Captured the Essence of that MISERY that makes this Baby "Universal-yet-Personal"
(Which sells TONS of CDs..Daily!)..but this could be WAY Better with "Fresher Words" sayin' what you Have In Mind.

This is all JMO.

Good Luck with this Beautiful Baby, & I hope it grows up to make you a Proud Papa!

Big Guy-Hug,
Stan

Hi REV, I like the lyric in most instances. I only have a few suggestions.

3V or Chorus?
L2 "as" I look "and" your blue eyes "shine"
L3 I think how long have you been my friend
L4 I don't want this love to end
L8 I want to "scream" I love you out loud

V4?L2 can't go back to just being a friend

Hey just some thoughts. Very nice Rev!
R.T.

This lyric is too sing-songy for my taste...it smacks of Songwriting 101. After the first course, you learn not to use such obvious rhymes and rhyme schemes...they are trite and worn out. They work for commercial jingles, because you WANT everyone to know your song on the first try. But when you write songs, leave the "Moon/June, Love/dove/of" syndrome behind, or you will lose your listeners, who are ALL more sophisticated than that. JMHO, no offense intended.

Slim

[This message has been edited by CowboySlim (edited 03-26-2004).]

This is a heart-felt song, and you have talent. Just yellow highlight the cliches and change them - in songwriting 101 - that's called exchanging the "filler lines" for real ones. Next, never say, "I don't know" in a song - any song because a million guys are saying that, and have been for the last 20 years.
Throw out something old/new/borrowed/blue because it's only for a wedding anyway.
Oh, if you want to look more professional, you can edit your "song" and use punctuation.

[This message has been edited by BigAppleLyricist (edited 03-30-2004).]

This has a lot of potiential...the idea is solid...but it's missing something...and I think it needs to be written differently...
plus you don't even mention her name in the song...which I think would be a great idea...

I have some ideas...let me sleep on this...and let me get back to you.

This is what I have so far...see if you like it...


Goodbye Julie

Verse
You're walking down the isle today
Someone else you'll share every day
Didn't you tell me you loved me
If that is so, how could this be?

Verse
you said you want to be just friends
But I can't stay here and pretend
That what we had was just for fun
And forget about all we've done

Chorus
Goodbye Julie, have a great life
I am sure you will make a good wife
I knew that when we first met
Goodbye Julie, you'll be hard to forget

Verse
Maybe all you said was just hype
Maybe I wasn't really your type
But to me it didn't seem that way
And now there's nothing more to say

Working on a bridge or something...and will post it when I have it...

Hello Rev. I agree with my friend Stan, a very honest feel to your lyrics and you've got some good ideas to think about to make it stronger. Here's another thought for you.

She said you really loved me
Was always thinking of me (very cliche..)
But it must have been a lie
'Cause Julie said goodbye

Can't help the way I'm feeling
Your memory sends me reeling
All I do is cry
'Cause Julie said goodbye

I knew we were on borrowed time
When I looked into your eyes
Didn't want to be just friends
Didn't want our love to end
I need you here with me
To love you honestly
Want to kiss you in a crowd
Say I love you right out loud...

and so on.... The title could then be "Julie Said Goodbye". Just my few thoughts.

The other thing I wanted to say is that my best friend I've ever had in my life lives in Billings and I've been to Missouri many times and Springfield is such a nice place. Good luck with your writing. Cheers, Judy

hey rev... lots of good ideas expressed for improvement of a basically nice lyric....keep coming back and write on....trush