11 members (Fdemetrio, Sunset Poet, Guy E. Trepanier, JAPOV, bennash, couchgrouch, Bill Draper, 3 invisible),
1,391
guests, and
259
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.
By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
Frail
Her heart is so fragile,it wouldn't take much To break it to pieces,with the wrong word or touch Her love far from agile,by the memories she wept Her sweet dreams decreases,with every lonely night she slept
No moon or stars would shine on her bed No visions of love danced in her head Just a girl so frail,too scared to try No heat in her heart no spark in her eye
Her heart only once broken,but that once was enough With her innocence taken,she'd been fooled by the bluff And with every lie he'd spoken,she built her walls higher Now her love's been forsaken,she bears sorrows attire
No moon or stars would shine on her bed No visions of love danced in her head Just a girl so frail,too scared to try No heat in her heart no spark in her eye
Last edited by Michael LeBlanc; 11/13/14 02:45 PM.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28 |
Nice and all, but I would have like to have seen more progression in V2, and I would like to see it in present tense
ie Her love far from agile,by the memories she weeps Her sweet dreams decrease(((note drop the plural) ,with every lonely night she sleeps
No moon, no stars can shine on her bed No visions of love can dance in her head Just a girl so frail,too scared to try No heat in her heart no spark in her eye
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490
Top 20 Poster
|
Top 20 Poster
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,490 |
Hi Michael,
Heart wrenching write -- tragically pretty!
Lisa
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 924
Top 500 Poster
|
Top 500 Poster
Joined: May 2013
Posts: 924 |
|Something many of us can relate to. Nice work man. Good stuff!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
hey John,i like your sug.Maybe i'll write a stronger 3rd verse.Thanx man.Mike
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
thanx Lisa,i like tragically pretty stuff!Mike
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,096 |
Hey Mike,
A sad one for sure, but it sure reads sweet!
I like the present tense idea too!
Geneva
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Top 30 Poster
|
Top 30 Poster
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712 |
This is poetry, Michael. One of your best!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
much appreciated Geneva!i like that idea too.Mike
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 12,264 Likes: 4 |
Had my paper tissues out all the way through Mike, plenty of emotion here Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28
Top 10 Poster
|
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 11,534 Likes: 28 |
Played with it some Michael, hope you don't mind...
Her heart's not so agile, it wouldn't take much To break it to pieces,with the wrong word or touch Her love is so fragile, all her memories weep Her sweet dreams decrease,with every lonely night she sleeps
No moon or stars can shine on her bed No visions of love can dance in her head Just a girl so frail,too scared to try No heat in her heart no spark in her eye
Once was enough, she was fooled by the lies With her innocence taken,she found places to hide As she builds her walls higher her heart disappears And the rest follows after, succumbed to her fears
No moon or stars can shine on her bed No visions of love can dance in her head Just a girl so frail,too scared to try No heat in her heart no spark in her eye
If writing ever becomes work I think I'm going to have to stop
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,710 |
Michael, You've got some great lines here, beginning with the opening couplet. A few phrases seem awkward, But this is a good work in progress. Dig a little deeper, maybe look at it from a different angle to make every single line as good as the opening two and you'll have a really good one.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
i appreciate that Jim!Mike
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
|
OP
Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
nice work John,glad to see your interest!Mike
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,072
Top 100 Poster
|
Top 100 Poster
Joined: Mar 2001
Posts: 3,072 |
Hey Mike,
I see you have plenty of suggestions to mull over, so I just want to say that I really like where you're going with it. Keep up the good work! Very nice write!
David
|
|
|
We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.
|
|
Forums117
Topics125,754
Posts1,161,302
Members21,470
|
Most Online37,523 Jan 25th, 2020
|
|
"When will we all, as artists, creators and facilitators learn that the so-called experts in our lives are nothing more than someone who has stepped forward and called themselves an expert?" –Brian Austin Whitney
|
|
There are no members with birthdays on this day. |
|
|
|