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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
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OP
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90 |
I'd be interested in feedback. This is a song I wrote about someone looking back on a long term relationship ... Here's the Soundcloud link https://soundcloud.com/kevin-ism/the-remainsHere are the lyrics ... The Remains Children playing in the rain Running home with their clothes soaked through We protect them while we can They can't let go, they don't know how Through the years we shared the pain Children growing up and finding their own way And we're left with the remains We can't let go, we don't know how CHORUS Long ago and far away You and me against the world With the confidence of youth Do you remember the lovers that we were? Did you think it would be hard? Life is easy when you're looking forward No one else can take the blame I can't let go, I don't know how Repeat CHORUS And tell me, do you miss it the way I do? You and me against the world Do you remember the lovers that we were? Growing old before our time Growing old and feeling every ache and pain But the song remains the same We can't let go, we don't know how We can't let go, we don't know how We can't let go, we don't know how We remain We remain We remain
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,831
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Hi Kevin:
Welcome to JPF. I read the lyric, then listened. Your song has much potential and I hope you have real success with it.
Although one would think the songwriter's forum would be the correct place to post this... may I suggest the MP3 forum a little further down the page. Maybe Brian or Kevin Emmrich will take the time to move it there for you. I believe you will get much more feedback there than at this spot at JPF.
All the best,
Dave
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 10,941 Likes: 3
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Hi Kevin and welcome. Welcome here. Nice song and the title is very good. Maybe bring the vocal up a tad.
Vic
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Joined: Sep 2014
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OP
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Many thanks for moving to this forum ( I'm still finding my way around) and for the feedback.
It look me a while to settle on the title of this song. Originally, it was "We Remain", but I prefer "The Remains" for the connotations it has ....
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Joined: Jul 2013
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Hi Kevin... welcome!
I enjoyed your song. It has a good "feel" to it - the melody and music matching the lyric/story very well.
A lot of really nice production from begin to end adding to the listening experience. The vocal definitely needs to come up - (some of the harmonies are louder than the main vocal) - the lead guitar under the main vocal could be pulled back some. It's nice, but needs to support the vocal (not get in the way). Really nice job on the cello! In fact, all the instrumentation is nicely done... did you do all of that yourself?
looking forward to more...
floyd
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Joined: Feb 2007
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Very nice tune and performance. I like that bass part. I'll join in the chorus where folks are saying the lead vox needs to come up and the competing electric guitar needs to go down (or play in between the words).
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
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OP
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Thanks again for the feedback, very useful and constructive ..... and yes, it's all me playing (although the cello is sythesized, so I'm actually playing keyboards)
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,985 Likes: 22
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Hi Kevin!
Kevin, I see you met Kevin! Welcome to JPF Kevin!
I won't repeat what others have advocated, but agree with those above comments concerning vox consistency.
A couple of things for you to ponder lyrically --I think your song "Title" needs to be more specific as to promoting the song's theme. Just seeing the title, "The Remains" by itself suggests a noun and not a verb--which could still technically could be construed in your intended context, but not one's first thought. You might consider using "I can't let go." You may want to incorporate that phrase a couple of times to give it more emphasis--but this phrase, though more trite, does express your theme better IMO. You could still say "we can't let go," at the ending but on your last reprise, say "I," which then squarely put's you in first person from 3rd person which could be cool as well.
Just a thought, and certainly not imperative--my thoughts are JMO and how I think you might add more passion and "title/theme" relationship to your song.
Very nice start here, definitely potential!
steady-eddie.
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Joined: Feb 2013
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Nice! Solid write. And, yes, toss a little more reverb on the lead vocal and bring it out front. Enjoyed the listen.
J&B
Check out our new album Janice Merritt "Am I Blue Enough?" on Spotify, Apple Music, Pandora, Amazon and others.
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Joined: Jul 2014
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I enjoyed the music. But, if you are trying to double-trac your voice (I'm assuming) you need to find perfection, because when it is not perfect, it is real noticeable. Good luck to you!
rms
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