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#1059172 - 09/12/14 11:38 AM The Remains  
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Kevin YSC Offline
Serious Contributor
Kevin YSC  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Dublin, Ireland
I'd be interested in feedback. This is a song I wrote about someone looking back on a long term relationship ...

Here's the Soundcloud link

https://soundcloud.com/kevin-ism/the-remains

Here are the lyrics ...

The Remains

Children playing in the rain
Running home with their clothes soaked through
We protect them while we can
They can't let go, they don't know how

Through the years we shared the pain
Children growing up and finding their own way
And we're left with the remains
We can't let go, we don't know how

CHORUS

Long ago and far away
You and me against the world
With the confidence of youth
Do you remember the lovers that we were?

Did you think it would be hard?
Life is easy when you're looking forward
No one else can take the blame
I can't let go, I don't know how

Repeat CHORUS

And tell me, do you miss it the way I do?
You and me against the world
Do you remember the lovers that we were?

Growing old before our time
Growing old and feeling every ache and pain
But the song remains the same
We can't let go, we don't know how
We can't let go, we don't know how
We can't let go, we don't know how

We remain
We remain
We remain

#1059173 - 09/12/14 11:46 AM Re: The Remains [Re: Kevin YSC]  
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,232
Dave Rice Online content
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Dave Rice  Online Content
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 7,232
Texas
Hi Kevin:

Welcome to JPF. I read the lyric, then listened. Your song has much potential and I hope you have real success with it.

Although one would think the songwriter's forum would be the correct place to post this... may I suggest the MP3 forum a little further down the page. Maybe Brian or Kevin Emmrich will take the time to move it there for you. I believe you will get much more feedback there than at this spot at JPF.

All the best,

Dave

#1059178 - 09/12/14 12:36 PM Re: The Remains [Re: Dave Rice]  
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 10,545
Kevin Emmrich Offline
Kevin Emmrich  Offline


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Crozet, VA
I moved it!


"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The 'hard' is what makes it great."
Kevin @ bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh (and Kevin @50/90 2019)
#1059180 - 09/12/14 12:54 PM Re: The Remains [Re: Kevin Emmrich]  
Joined: Nov 2010
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Vicarn Online content
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Vicarn  Online Content
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UK
Hi Kevin and welcome.
Welcome here.
Nice song and the title is very good. Maybe bring the vocal up a tad.

Vic


It's never too late? Yes it is, so do it now.

If, given time, a monkey can write the complete works of Shakespeare maybe there's hope for me.

http://store.cdbaby.com/cd/vicarnold2

http://www.soundclick.com/vicarnold

http://soundcloud.com/vic-arnold

#1059181 - 09/12/14 01:22 PM Re: The Remains [Re: Vicarn]  
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Kevin YSC Offline
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Kevin YSC  Offline
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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Dublin, Ireland
Many thanks for moving to this forum ( I'm still finding my way around) and for the feedback.

It look me a while to settle on the title of this song. Originally, it was "We Remain", but I prefer "The Remains" for the connotations it has ....

#1059183 - 09/12/14 01:43 PM Re: The Remains [Re: Kevin YSC]  
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,982
floyd jane Offline
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floyd jane  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,982
Tampa
Hi Kevin... welcome!

I enjoyed your song. It has a good "feel" to it - the melody and music matching the lyric/story very well.

A lot of really nice production from begin to end adding to the listening experience. The vocal definitely needs to come up - (some of the harmonies are louder than the main vocal) - the lead guitar under the main vocal could be pulled back some. It's nice, but needs to support the vocal (not get in the way). Really nice job on the cello! In fact, all the instrumentation is nicely done... did you do all of that yourself?

looking forward to more...

floyd

#1059184 - 09/12/14 01:55 PM Re: The Remains [Re: floyd jane]  
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 10,545
Kevin Emmrich Offline
Kevin Emmrich  Offline


Top 10 Poster

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 10,545
Crozet, VA
Very nice tune and performance. I like that bass part. I'll join in the chorus where folks are saying the lead vox needs to come up and the competing electric guitar needs to go down (or play in between the words).


"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The 'hard' is what makes it great."
Kevin @ bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh (and Kevin @50/90 2019)
#1059188 - 09/12/14 02:22 PM Re: The Remains [Re: Kevin Emmrich]  
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Kevin YSC Offline
Serious Contributor
Kevin YSC  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 90
Dublin, Ireland
Thanks again for the feedback, very useful and constructive ..... and yes, it's all me playing (although the cello is sythesized, so I'm actually playing keyboards)

#1059195 - 09/12/14 04:46 PM Re: The Remains [Re: Kevin YSC]  
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,333
E Swartz Offline
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E Swartz  Offline
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 3,333
Ohio
Hi Kevin!

Kevin, I see you met Kevin! Welcome to JPF Kevin!

I won't repeat what others have advocated, but agree with those above comments concerning vox consistency.

A couple of things for you to ponder lyrically --I think your song "Title" needs to be more specific as to promoting the song's theme. Just seeing the title, "The Remains" by itself suggests a noun and not a verb--which could still technically could be construed in your intended context, but not one's first thought. You might consider using "I can't let go." You may want to incorporate that phrase a couple of times to give it more emphasis--but this phrase, though more trite, does express your theme better IMO. You could still say "we can't let go," at the ending but on your last reprise, say "I," which then squarely put's you in first person from 3rd person which could be cool as well.

Just a thought, and certainly not imperative--my thoughts are JMO and how I think you might add more passion and "title/theme" relationship to your song.

Very nice start here, definitely potential!

steady-eddie.

#1059198 - 09/12/14 05:25 PM Re: The Remains [Re: E Swartz]  
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,519
Janice_and_Bud Offline
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Janice_and_Bud  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,519
Southeastern USA
Nice! Solid write. And, yes, toss a little more reverb on the lead vocal and bring it out front. Enjoyed the listen.

J&B


Check out our album Janice Merritt "All Over The Map"
on Spotify, Apple Music, Pandora and others.
#1059215 - 09/12/14 08:06 PM Re: The Remains [Re: Kevin YSC]  
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 523
BonzaiWag Offline
Top 500 Poster
BonzaiWag  Offline
Top 500 Poster

Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 523
Oakdale, Ca.
I enjoyed the music. But, if you are trying to double-trac your voice (I'm assuming) you need to find perfection, because when it is not perfect, it is real noticeable. Good luck to you!


rms

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