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#1056354 - 08/15/14 07:07 PM His Own World  
Joined: Jan 2006
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Here's a rewrite -- thanks to David and Calvin! David had some insightful thoughts about the meaning of the lyric that got me thinking, so I rewrote the chorus (added four lines to the beginning.) Calvin improved line one in verse 3 --- much smoother! Update 8/22: Per David's musings about verse 2 not being quite right, I made an additional change. Update 8/28: Made another change to verse 2, to stay with the cooking theme!

His Own World (rewrite #2)

They say she can be mean
But he is really nice
He always adds butter
When she overcooks rice

When her anger simmers
You won't hear him complain
Because he's found a way
To dissolve all the pain

CHORUS
He creates his own world
What a good place to be
While she cooks up misery
Like it's all she can see
How does he stand it?
Why doesn't he split?
He creates his own world
Where love doesn't quit

Bridge
When he invites her in
She laughs at him

CHORUS
He creates his own world
What a good place to be
While she cooks up misery
Like it's all she can see
How does he stand it?
Why doesn't he split?
He creates his own world
Where love doesn't quit

But one day she came in*
Took a look 'round his place
She thought she saw heaven
It resembled his face

She ran back to her world
Love can be tough to learn
She put rice on the stove
And then watched it burn

CHORUS
He creates his own world
What a good place to be
While she cooks up misery
Like it's all she can see
How does he stand it?
Why doesn't he split?
He creates his own world
Where love doesn't quit

He gives her a hand
Puts butter in the pan

(c) 2014, Lisa Gundling


VERSION ONE
His Own World

They say she can be mean
But he is really nice
He always adds butter
When she overcooks rice

If their four walls could talk
Two of hers would complain
He's too kind to tell her
She can be a big pain

CHORUS
How can he stand it?
Why doesn't he split?
He creates his own world
Where love doesn't quit

Bridge
When he invites her in
She laughs at him

CHORUS
How can he stand it?
Why doesn't he split?
He creates his own world
Where love doesn't quit

One day she did enter
Took a look 'round his place
She thought she saw heaven
It resembled his face

She ran back to her world
Love can be tough to learn
She put rice on the stove
And then watched it burn

CHORUS
How can he stand it?
Why doesn't he split?
He creates his own world
Where love doesn't quit

He gives her a hand
Puts butter in the pan

(c) 2014, Lisa Gundling

Last edited by Lisa Gundling; 08/28/14 04:56 PM.
#1056365 - 08/15/14 11:17 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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David Fontaine Offline
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David Fontaine  Offline
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Hi Lisa,

this seems to be a lot deeper than first glance would indicate. When I say deeper, I know that the third verse is referencing his world, and believe verse two to be the real world, but it's a tad hard to catch right away. Could be that I'm just a little slow today, lol. smile In reality I think verse four confirms this. Where I'm having the problem is that we have his world, which is the hook, their world in line two with the walls, and then her world in line one of verse four. Some people like me for instance, may need to be guided a little more.

I really like the thought here throughout. The chorus is cool. You've got another hook there in "love doesn't quit". I like the way you brought all that together. I would like to see a different rhyme scheme in the chorus though. With that said, I'm sure with the change in meter, a good singer could get the chorus to work fine.

If I'm over thinking this just tell me to hush. smile I really like this lyric and it's intriguing!.

David

#1056491 - 08/16/14 11:55 PM Re: His Own World [Re: David Fontaine]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Hi David,

I love your reflections on this and you've made really great and astute points! I'm mulling this all over in my mind, and this one is harder, because what I've written is, I know, kind of out there and on the weirder side. So, I'm here thinking and will be back!!

THANKS so much for putting your thinking cap on and sharing your insightful thoughts!

Lisa

#1056508 - 08/17/14 07:28 AM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Calvin Offline
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Hi Lisa,

Here's my thoughts...

One day she did enter


But one day she came in
Took a look 'round his place
She thought she saw heaven
It resembled his face


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

#1056516 - 08/17/14 08:42 AM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Hey Lisa
I like the lyric but is she just not used to love and kindness or is she just a b##ch.

Peace
Joe

#1056517 - 08/17/14 08:47 AM Re: His Own World [Re: joewatt]  
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Travis david Online content
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I like Cal's suggestion Lisa, I feel "one day she did enter" is perhaps a little old time folky and doesn't sit well.
The rest is smooth as silk.
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1056603 - 08/18/14 01:11 AM Re: His Own World [Re: Travis david]  
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John Hoffman Offline
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St. Peters, Mo.
Lisa,
I understand the circumstance well. 3rd person seems like the right choice.

John


Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
#1056644 - 08/18/14 12:34 PM Re: His Own World [Re: John Hoffman]  
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Jim Colyer Offline
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This seems to imply that if you truly love someone, they will eventually learn to love you.

#1056864 - 08/20/14 07:46 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Jim Colyer]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Hi Again, David,

I've been thinking about your thoughts on this and added four lines to the chorus. I'm still thinking about other changes, but this is what I have so far. I hope this works! Thanks so much again for your insights!

Lisa

#1056865 - 08/20/14 07:46 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Hi Calvin,

AHHHHH....MUCH SMOOTHER!! I've made your change -- THANKS!!!

Lisa

#1056866 - 08/20/14 07:48 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Hi Joe,

I think she's a b****! Laughing! Well, like everyone...I guess it's not all black and white! There's good and evil...nice and mean! I'll think about any changes in that regard!

Thanks for your visit!
Lisa

#1056867 - 08/20/14 07:49 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Hi Travis,

Yes, Calvin's suggestion is much better and I've made his change! Of course, Calvin has a Ph.D. in smoothing out my writing! I've also added to the chorus, based upon some musings of David's that got me thinking!

Thanks!
Lisa

#1056868 - 08/20/14 07:50 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Hi John,

Thanks! I tried it in first person and third person and it did seem to be better in third person -- thanks for the nice visit and confirmation!

Lisa

#1056869 - 08/20/14 07:51 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Hi Jim,

That's an interesting take...I wasn't trying to imply that, but I can definitely see where I gave the impression! For me, it was more like...he's making the best of a bad situation and, with any luck, things will get better for him!

Thanks for stopping by!
Lisa

#1056899 - 08/21/14 03:28 AM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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David Fontaine Offline
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David Fontaine  Offline
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Magnolia, Texas, U.S.A.
Hiya Lisa,

I really like what you did to the chorus, and like Calvin's suggestion as well. I'm not sure you need to do a lot more. The more definitive chorus really helped. I'm still eying that second verse some, but have nothing helpful to add. frown I was trying their walls first line, her two second line, his two third line, then the closing 4th line but just couldn't get it out.

Anyway it looks great. Very nice job!

David

#1057033 - 08/22/14 01:43 PM Re: His Own World [Re: David Fontaine]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Hi Again, David,

Okay, you got me thinking about Verse 2, as I saw your point about its weakness. I've come up with a change now that I think is much better and segues into the chorus much more smoothly! You think?!!!

If their four walls could talk
Two of hers would complain
He's found a better way
To forget all the pain

THANKS so much again for your help!
Lisa

#1057057 - 08/22/14 04:22 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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David Fontaine Offline
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David Fontaine  Offline
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Magnolia, Texas, U.S.A.
Hi Lisa,

I like that much better, but want to pitch just one more thing to you. smile How would this work? KOS

If their four walls could talk
Two of hers would complain
His two found a better way
To forget all the pain

David

#1057616 - 08/28/14 04:14 PM Re: His Own World [Re: David Fontaine]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Hi David,

I'm so sorry I'm delayed in getting back here! The summer has not been conducive to my focusing on writing!

If I stayed with the "wall" theme -- I'd have used your suggestion for SURE!

However, I got to thinking that, especially since I added some cooking references in the chorus, related to the rice...I thought maybe I should stick to the cooking theme, and take away the walls!

So, I now have, for verse 2:

When her anger simmers
You won't hear him complain
Because he's found a way
To dissolve all the pain

Thank you SO much for pointing out weak spots and helping me to think these things through!

Lisa
P.S. Made another change 45 minutes after I posted this...

Last edited by Lisa Gundling; 08/28/14 04:58 PM.
#1058013 - 09/01/14 02:25 AM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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MFB III Offline
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Wow Lisa, i love the conflict in this one, and the way you play it out. this would be a grreat song for so many out there hwo live this daily. ~~Matt

#1058049 - 09/01/14 02:20 PM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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David Fontaine Offline
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Perfect! Resolves everything and I personally like it even better. You've done a really great job at staying after this one. I think too many writers are focused on the next, more than the current. You have a really good lyric here! smile

David

#1058472 - 09/05/14 11:35 AM Re: His Own World [Re: David Fontaine]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Hi MFB,

It's so nice to see you back!!!
Thank you for very nice comments here!
WELCOME BACK!!

Lisa

#1058473 - 09/05/14 11:37 AM Re: His Own World [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Hi David,

I'm smiling -- thanks!
I know you kept having a nagging feeling about those lines and you were right and your thoughts kept pushing me to rethink them!
BIG THANKS!!

Lisa


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