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Joined: Dec 2000
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Been away for a long time. Writer's block, y'know. Slowly getting back into it. This is one of a couple things I've come up with recently.
(Never See) The Signs © 2014 Greg C. Brown
Traveling on this interstate, I've got a need that just won’t wait, Yet I'm trying to maintain a steady speed. 'Cause I don't have the time to stop For an overzealous cop Who wants to make his quota for the week. I woke up just before the sun And started on this desperate run To try and catch up with a loving thief. She stole my heart away from me And though I gave it willingly, I should have known she'd step on my beliefs.
CHORUS ‘Cause this is not the first time that I've been down this road, It's hard for me to not cross the lines. Focused as I am, whether Suzie, Jean or Pam, Makes it so I never see the signs. I never can avoid the trap, The danger lands here in my lap And slowly takes me under bit by bit. And though it always starts out nice, Lightning surely does strike twice. It hits me hard and burns me where I sit. CHORUS ‘Cause this is not the first time that I've been down this road, It's hard for me to not cross the lines. Focused as I am, I'm a narrow-sighted man, It makes it so I never see the signs. And though I know how this will end, I'll chase her down this road again; Just call me an eternal optimist. Fool might be a better word, Or maybe I'm just plain disturbed, Could be I need a psycho analyst.
CHORUS ‘Cause this is not the first time that I've been down this road, It's hard for me to not cross the lines. Focused as I am, whether Suzie, Jean or Pam, Makes it so I never see the signs.
TAG The asphalt hums beneath my wheels, Knowing, yet it won’t reveal What it knows I already know.
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
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Joined: Mar 2001
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Hi Greg, I see you where the 44th member here at JPF. I was 333 I believe and a few months after you. Hard to believe there are over 20,000 members now. Really good to see you posting up a lyric! Anyway you know the drill, so I won't handle this one with kid gloves. First, I like the title but would just write it as "Never See The Signs". It just looks better that way to me. Next, until I got pass the first chorus and to the third verse, I really didn't see much of an association to the hook. The third verse does get that on track, but I'm left wondering if that's a little further into the lyric than it should be. I like the rhyme scheme, and you stay consistent with it. Actually for the complexity of it, it all meters fairly well. Good job on that! I do see some unneeded words, but removing them would require a bit of meter work. In this line for instance "She stole my heart away from me", "away" is redundant of "stole", and "from me" is redundant of "my". If you just say "She stole my heart away" you've said the same thing. Although I'm guilty of using them here and there, the evolving or changing chorus, isn't popular with music executives, and is a hard sell. Also I don't see it adding enough to the story here, to warrant the use of. You have a really good start here. I would certainly keep going with it. Sometime when block hits me, I find it the best time to really work on tweaking lyrics. Good luck with this one, and it's good to see you posting! David
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Joined: Apr 2010
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Hey Greg I suppose most of us have been down that road. A nice write
Cheers Joe
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Hi Greg,
Nice write! I read David's comments and think he has some good ideas. My favorite chorus is the narrow-sighted man chorus -- that's a neat line!
Also, when I read the first two lines, I thought that the "need" was having to stop to use the bathroom! Also, "step on my beliefs" seemed a little awkward, but maybe when it's sung, it will sound fine!
Lisa
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Joined: Jun 2006
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I agree with Lisa. Those lines have restroom written all over them. I kind of like "step on my beliefs."
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Joined: Dec 2000
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Hi David. Yeah, member 44. I think I was among some of the first people Brian contacted when he was launching Just Plain Folks all those years ago. He's definitely turned it into an amazing and unique place. Lots of good people here! Thanks for taking a look at this lyric. I agree it could benefit from some serious tweaking, especially in the first verse. I think I was just trying to string some thoughts together in hopes they would turn into something resembling a story. By the later verses, it started to jell, but the beginning still seemed a bit disconnected. I will be revisiting that. As for the title, I was torn between calling it NEVER SEE THE SIGNS or just THE SIGNS, which explains the parentheses. I like short titles, so I may go with THE SIGNS...or not. I really appreciate your thoughtful and encouraging words. They were helpful and have given me some things to think about. Thanks! Greg
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
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Joined: Dec 2000
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Hey Joe, thanks a lot. I appreciate that.
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
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Joined: Dec 2000
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Hi Lisa.
Yeah, I think I may need to reconsider some of those lines. "Step on my beliefs" makes sense when I explain the meaning of the line to myself, but I agree that it may not be especially song-worthy.
Thanks for dropping in and sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate the feedback.
Greg
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
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Joined: Dec 2000
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Jim,
Thanks for weighing in. I'm not done with this one just yet. I appreciate your feedback.
Greg
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
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Joined: Feb 2006
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Greg, reading this I see good and some not so clear. After some time off that's to be expected. I know you aren't done with it and you've gotten some good feedback. The trick will be providing a payoff.
Have fun, John
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword never had an editor.
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Hey John, thanks for the encouragement! Still fleshing out some ideas for making this a wee bit stronger. Appreciate your comments.
Greg
If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding.
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