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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 321
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Hello Everyone, I know it's been a while since I've been around...sorry for disappearing. The NYC winter had really left me out of commission, and I'm now finally getting my bearings back to write. This is actually my 6th rewrite of this song. I'm hoping that I can get this demoed soon, but I don't really want to spend the $$ until I feel that it's good enough (which is why I'm posting this all for you to hear!). Please note that this is still a working demo, and this is intended for a male vocalist. I'm thinking a pop ballad that would be sung by a country pop singer (the twang will be added for the real demo, I promise! I just don't know how to emulate twang in a virtual instrument without it sounding like a video game soundtrack. LOL). :-) Thoughts/comments/critique/feedback much appreciated. Thanks everyone! -Karen You Had Me At Goodbye (6th Rewrite) YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE (c) 2014 Karen Maquilan VERSE 1: Sometimes second chances come too late When two old friends must go their separate ways You packed your life in one big truck While I squeezed in our one last hug But my life changed when the tears spilled on your face CHORUS: ('Cause) YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE And it took me by surprise Knocked me out like lightning Shot down from stormy skies 'Cause YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE Now I finally realized I never knew I loved you Till YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE VERSE 2: You've always been the kid next door to me We carved castles on the shore and climbed those old oak trees But now this girl is all grown up You've traded your crayons for make-up And I want you more than a box of memories (Repeat CHORUS) BRIDGE: Chasing seconds down the lane Before my last chance drives away 'Cause you need to know before I lose my mind (Repeat CHORUS) OUTRO: You had me a goodbye...
Last edited by kmaquilan2000; 05/25/14 01:06 PM.
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Hi Calvin,
Thank you for the comments!
Karen
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Very nice song. If I may, consider... But now this girl is all grown upSince you've been addressing her as "you," I think you should continue to do so. Chasing seconds down the laneI not sure how to take "seconds." The next line suggests it's time related, but the first verse suggests it might be your last second chance. Anyway, good job! Dave
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Joined: Dec 2004
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Hi Dave,
Thanks for pointing that out! I'll digest and see what I can do to fix...
Karen
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Joined: Jan 2006
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Hi Karen,
I remember when you posted this the last time, and the feedback on the lyric. I think your changes are great and you ironed out the issues! Regarding the first line of the bridge that Dave pointed out, I wasn't sure of that either. Also, it is the only line I couldn't make out clearly when I listened.
It does sound lovely and your voice is so pretty...I sure enjoyed listening! Lisa
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Hi Lisa,
Thanks again for listening and giving more feedback! I'm proud of how this song turned out from the last time I posted.
With that being said, I'll go back to the drawing board and figure out that line in the bridge. Almost there! :-)
Karen
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Hi Everyone, I had a bit of an epiphany this morning, and made some edits. Please share any thoughts/feedback/comments you may have. Thank you! Karen http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12656416YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE (c) 2014 Karen Maquilan VERSE 1: Sometimes second chances come too late When two old friends must go their separate ways You packed your life in one big truck While I squeezed in our one last hug But my life changed when the tears spilled on your face CHORUS: ('Cause) YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE And it took me by surprise Knocked me out like lightning Shot down from stormy skies 'Cause YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE Now I finally realized I never knew I loved you Till YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE VERSE 2: You've always been the kid next door to me We carved castles on the shore and climbed those old oak trees But now this girl is all grown up You've traded your crayons for make-up And I want you more than a box of memories (Repeat CHORUS) BRIDGE: Running like a fast train down the lane Before my last chance drives away 'Cause you need to know before I lose my mind (Repeat CHORUS) OUTRO: You had me a goodbye...
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Joined: Jun 2002
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Hi Karen,
I've been following this for a few days now. It's a nice concept and well written.
I heard some alternate ways to phrase a couple lines so keep or sweep. In v. 2: But girl now you're all grown up You've traded crayons for makeup
A guideline is that the chorus is usually shorter than the verses. I don't always adhere to that myself, but it is good to evaluate what you've written for conciseness. You might consider dropping 'Cause' when possible. Following is a suggestion for a shorter chorus and moving "I love you" to the bridge.
('Cause) you had me at goodbye And love took me by surprise Knocked me out like lightning Shot down from stormy skies You had me at goodbye.
Bridge: Running like a fast train down the lane Before my last chance drives away 'Cause you need to know I love you...
Musically, you could do this by keeping the music to lines 1 and 2, and try the music you have for lines 6, 7 and 8 to the lyrics of lines 3, 4, and 5. I do like the (for lack of a better way to put it) block chord transition at the end of line 4, perhaps you could try something like that at the end of line 2?
Just wanted to give you some options to consider. Rewriting is such hard work and I appreciate how much work you are putting in this. It's a lovely song.
Vondelle
p.s. In your outro, I assume you want the lyric to read "You had me at goodbye."
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Joined: Dec 2004
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Hi Vondelle,
Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback on my song. I'll be considering these for the next rewrite.
Thanks again!
Karen
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Joined: Jun 2010
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Beautiful vocals and a lovely write. Good energy in your performance.
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