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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 262
Top 500 Poster
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OP
Top 500 Poster
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 262 |
Howdy folks, I just got back an acoustic guitar/vocal from my new co-writer Stetphen Colarelli who was kind enough to put music to my lyric. I was going after a "Jesus, Take the Wheel" kind of song. Looking for feedback on lyrics and music. Thanks for your time and suggestions. "Angels Don't Always Have Wings" - Worktape http://soundcloud.com/user1484170/angels-dont-always-have-wings"Angels Don't Always Have Wings" Words and music (C) 2014 Darin Martin and Stephen Colarelli (V1) She worked five years at the diner down the road Worked double shifts to pay off her college loans People came and went, got achy feet and food stained clothes She went home crying every night Her momma called to tell her 'everything will be alright' (Chorus) You can't see their halos But there's a light where they go That shines on everyone they touch Helping those who need it that much We'll know them by the blessings they bring Cause angels don't always have wings (V2) He had breakfast at the counter every day Could make her smile and time would melt away They talked about having a future together someday They both got laid off around the same time He said 'let's pack our bags, everything will be just fine' (Repeat Chorus) (Bridge) They both found jobs in a brand new town Trying to buy a house but can't afford it now They just got news that twins are on the way In times like this, she can still hear her momma say (Repeat Chorus) - Darin
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325 |
man you sound like The Boomtown Rats [I Don't Like Mondays] a pretty good bit [that's good].I'm glad to say this doesn't remind me of "jesus take the wheel",i'm diggin' this,great job Darin & Stephen!Mike
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427
Top 100 Poster
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Top 100 Poster
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 3,427 |
Hi Darin, I have a few thoughts, lol as always. (V1) She worked five years at the diner down the road Worked double shifts to pay off her college loans Maybe you can change one of the "worked" to something else? Maybe did 5 years, though that may sound like she was in prison.
People came and went, got achy feet and food stained clothes I'm not sure people came and went is adding anything. Maybe faces came and went. Faces just seem a little more personal.
She went home crying every night Her momma called to tell her 'everything will be alright' (Chorus) You can't see their halos I was wondering who you were referring to with "they". I know we find out at the end of the chorus so I'm not sure it matters. Maybe some others can weigh in on that. But there's a light But a light shines where ever they go I was going to suggest adding ever but he sang it so... That shines It shine on everyone they touch Helping those who need it that much To me this is the biggest problem. "That much" how much is that much? I think this line is just here to rhyme. when I read/hear it, it feels unresolved. I know you can come up with a solid line to go here. Maybe something about their hearts overflowing with love... lol just a quick idea. I'm sure you can do better
We'll know them by the blessings they bring Cause angels don't always have wings I love the title/hook. (V2) I don't think this verse is bad but I believe you could improve it with some images.
He had breakfast at the counter every day Could make her smile and time would melt away They talked about having a future together someday They both got laid off around the same time He said 'let's pack our bags, everything will be just fine' (Repeat Chorus) (Bridge) I expected the bridge to be more uplifting. There's nothing wrong with it not being uplifting I'm just sharing my thoughts.
They both found jobs in a brand new town Trying to buy a house but can't afford it now They just got news that twins are on the way In times like this, she can still hear her momma say (Repeat Chorus) Although this is not a new idea, I do like the song. I won't comment on the quality of the demo atm so that's all I've got Darin. Dottie
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 458
Top 500 Poster
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Top 500 Poster
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 458 |
yea, I liked it much - the picking is gorgeous, and the chorus go way up in a somehow unexpected way, very brave. the lyric's short, but tells a story I can see and nod my head to. So bravissimi tutti e due, well done from my side!
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