Who's Online Now
22 registered members (JAPOV, Gavin Sinclair, couchgrouch, Dave Rice, CTthomas, Everett Adams, 9ne, Guy E. Trepanier, 4 invisible), and 229 guests, and
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Shout Box
Member Spotlight
GocartMoz
GocartMoz
Florida
Posts: 1,441
Joined: February 2013
Show All Member Profiles 
What's Going On
Little Lies
by Kristi McKeever. 10/20/19 03:57 PM
Gatekeeper #3
by Kristi McKeever. 10/20/19 03:37 PM
Heart Broke In LA
by Kristi McKeever. 10/20/19 03:27 PM
Liberals Crawled Out of the Ocean
by Dave Rice. 10/20/19 03:26 PM
Just a Dream (Dave Rice Cover)
by Kristi McKeever. 10/20/19 03:09 PM
How Bout Them Yankees?
by John Lawrence Schick. 10/20/19 03:00 PM
Honky Tonk Angel
by couchgrouch. 10/20/19 02:29 PM
Conservatives less Creative
by Kevin Emmrich. 10/20/19 01:56 PM
My Cheesy Song - first post!
by Ricki E. Bellos. 10/20/19 11:13 AM
South of Chicago
by Ricki E. Bellos. 10/20/19 11:05 AM
Brian's FB post and surgery news
by Ricki E. Bellos. 10/20/19 10:50 AM
beware the trolls
by JAPOV. 10/20/19 10:10 AM
You Know It Could Have Been Different
by CTthomas. 10/19/19 06:05 PM
This is my Battlefield
by ckiphen. 10/19/19 04:46 PM
Fun country song hook idea
by Fdemetrio. 10/19/19 12:11 PM
Anybody Watch Axs TV?
by Fdemetrio. 10/19/19 11:26 AM
Hes Not Crying In His Beer (Neil Cotton)
by 9ne. 10/19/19 10:36 AM
Yes, I !
by MFB III. 10/19/19 02:28 AM
Chasing the wind...
by JAPOV. 10/19/19 12:37 AM
Nothing to agree upon...
by JAPOV. 10/19/19 12:33 AM
Scratching The Surface
by John Paragreen. 10/18/19 09:12 PM
In Between
by ckiphen. 10/18/19 06:13 PM
DON'T BE TOO SHY (Uke)
by Guy E. Trepanier. 10/18/19 05:41 PM
Long Way Home
by JaneK. 10/18/19 12:46 PM
Mama Julz Still Pumping It
by Gary E. Andrews. 10/18/19 10:00 AM
Jimmy Joe Jack Jones Jr.
by Dave Rice. 10/18/19 09:06 AM
What song on JPF do you remember the most
by Martin Lide. 10/18/19 06:56 AM
North Of Nashville
by Fdemetrio. 10/17/19 02:15 PM
I Have My Girl (C. Kiphen)
by niteshift. 10/17/19 01:32 AM
Life and Death Out Here In Da Sticks. ..glyn
by Moosesong. 10/16/19 10:58 PM
Top Posters(All Time)
Calvin 19,774
Travis david 11,592
Kevin Emmrich 10,555
Jean Bullock 10,330
Kaley Willow 10,240
Two Singers 9,586
Joice Marie 9,186
Mackie H. 8,844
glynda 8,613
Mike Dunbar 8,574
Tricia Baker 8,318
Colin Ward 7,907
couchgrouch 7,578
Corey 7,357
Dave Rice 7,356
Wyman Lloyd 6,578
Mark Kaufman 6,550
Joe Wrabek 6,403
Vicarn 6,138
ben willis 6,105
Lynn Orloff 5,788
Louis 5,725
Linda Sings 5,604
niteshift 5,490
KimberlyinNC 5,210
Neil Cotton 4,909
Derek Hines 4,893
DonnaMarilyn 4,652
Blake Hill 4,528
Bob Cushing 4,363
Bill Osofsky 4,199
Tom Shea 4,179
Cindy Miller 4,178
Roy Cooper 4,128
nightengale 4,092
TamsNumber4 4,058
Caroline 3,865
MFB III 3,822
Kolstad 3,813
Dan Sullivan 3,710
beechnut79 3,500
Dottie 3,427
joewatt 3,411
E Swartz 3,383
Bill Cooper 3,279
John Hoffman 3,199
Skip Johnson 3,027
Pam Hurley 3,007
Terry G 3,005
PopTodd 2,890
Harriet Ames 2,870
Nigel Quin 2,812
MidniteBob 2,707
Nelson 2,570
Tom Tracy 2,558
Polly Hager 2,526
Jerry Jakala 2,524
Al Alvarez 2,499
Eric Thome 2,448
Hummingbird 2,401
Stan Loh 2,263
Sam Wilson 2,242
Judy Hollier 2,232
Wendy D 2,214
Erica Ellis 2,202
TrumanCoyote 2,096
Marty Helly 2,012
DukeWill 1,984
floyd jane 1,982
maccharles 1,959
Clint Anglin 1,904
cindyrella 1,888
David Wright 1,866
Clairejeanne 1,851
Cindy LaRosa 1,824
Ronald Boyt 1,675
Iggy 1,650
Noel Downs 1,620
Rick Heenan 1,597
Cal 1,574
Martin Lide 1,564
Jack Swain 1,554
Pete Larsen 1,537
Ann Tygart 1,529
Tom Breshers 1,487
RogerS 1,462
Tom Franz 1,455
GocartMoz 1,441
Chuck Crowe 1,441
Ralph Blight 1,440
Kenneth Cade 1,429
Rick Norton 1,428
Fdemetrio 1,421
bholt 1,411
Letha Allen 1,408
in2piano 1,404
Stan Simons 1,402
mattbanx 1,384
Jen Shaner 1,373
Charlie Wong 1,347
KevinP 1,324
Vondelle 1,316
Tom W. 1,313
Jan Petter 1,301
scottandrew 1,292
DakLander 1,265
PeteG 1,242
Ian Ferrin 1,230
Glen King 1,214
IdeaGuy 1,209
AaronAuthier 1,177
Diane Ewing 1,158
Gerry 1,144
summeoyo 1,126
joro 1,082
lane1777 1,079
BobbyJoe 1,075
Deej56 1,058
S.DEE 1,040
yann 1,037
Tony A 1,016
argo 986
peaden 984
Wolvman 960
IronKnee 947
Jak Kelly 912
krtinberg 890
Drifter 886
Petra 883
9ne 883
90 dB 855
RJC 845
Brenda152 840
Nadia 827
Juan 797
TKO 784
frahmes 781
teletwang 762
Andy K 744
tbryson 737
Andy Kemp 733
ant 732
Jackie444 731
3daveyO3 704
Dayson 703
Dixie 701
Joy Boy 695
Knute 686
Lee Arten 678
Katziis 652
R.T.MOORE 638
quality 637
Irwin 627
CG King 622
douglas 621
Pat Hardy 617
Mel 614
NaomiSue 601
Moosesong 599
Shandy 589
Ria 587
TAMERA64 583
qbaum 570
nitepiano 566
pRISCILLA 556
Tink2 553
musica 539
deanbell 528
RobertK 527
BonzaiWag 523
Roderic 522
BB Wilbur 511
goodfolks 499
R&M 492
Zeek 487
Stu 486
Steve P. 481
KathyW 462
allenb 459
MaxG 458
Philjo 454
fanito 448
trush48 448
dmk 442
arealrush 437
DGR 436
avweek 435
Stephen D 433
Emmy 431
Rob L 426
marquez 422
kit 419
Softkrome 417
kyrksongs 415
RRon 408
Laura G. 407
VNORTH 407
Debra 407
eb 406
cuebald 399
EdPerrone 399
Dannyk1 395
Hobart 395
Davyboy49 393
Smile 389
GJShades 387
JAPOV 386
Ezt 384
tone 380
Marla 380
Cecilee 379
iggyiggy 378
coalminer 377
java 374
spidey 371
Register Today!
Welcome to the Just Plain Folks forums! You are currently viewing our forums as a Guest which gives you limited access to most of our discussions and to other features.

By joining our free community you will have access to post and respond to topics, communicate privately with our users (PM), respond to polls, upload content, and access many other features. Registration is fast, simple, and absolutely free; so please join our community today!
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate This Thread
#1035566 - 01/10/14 12:49 PM Little Girl  
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Lisa Moon Offline
Serious Contributor
Lisa Moon  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Indiana
This is my first time using this forum so here goes. I'm working on a song and I cant get a chorus. I want to use halleluiah but not sure if the song even works.

Once there was a little girl who
talked to God above,
she asked Him to please listen and she
told Him of her love
Sometimes at night she'd lay awake just
Waiting for a sign
Be He kept silent watch of her for
It was not yet time
(chorus ?)
Then late one night as sleep set in her
Eyes flew open wide.
As angel voices sang their song of
Praise to the most high
Perfect blending, peaceful love, pure praise within a song
The notes of which have stayed with her and
Will a lifetime long.
(chorus)
It's late at night and here I lay some
Twenty years have passed
And still my Lord there is just no end of
Questions I have asked
But just as then I'll wait this out
assured one day I'll see
Your quiet watch and perfect love were
Right in harmony
In tune with Holy Angels and
All Who Will Believe.
(Chorus)?

Lisa Moon

#1035615 - 01/10/14 06:46 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Lisa Moon]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
Top 100 Poster
Terry G  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Lisa Moon,

Very nice, romantic and honest feel.

Here's my GENERAL idea of structuring your words into a music ready lyric.
Lyric changes in CAPS.

FAITH

Once there was a little girl who
talked to God above,
she asked Him to please listen and she
told Him of her love

Sometimes at night she'd lay awake just
Waiting for a sign
Be He kept silent watch of her
FOR It was not yet time

CHORUS
Perfect blending, peaceful love,
Pure praise within a song
SHE LISTENED FOR THE NOTES OF A MELODY
THAT WOULD LAST a lifetime long.

Then late one night as sleep set in
HER eyes flew open wide.
As angel voices sang their song of
Praise to the most high

It's late at night and here I lay some
Twenty years have passed
And still my Lord there is just no end of
Questions THAT I ASK

CHORUS
Perfect blending, peaceful love,
Pure praise within a song
NOTES OF AN ENDLESS MELODY
THAT WOULD LAST a lifetime long.

But just as then I'll wait this out
Assured one day I'll see
Your quiet watch and perfect love were
Right in harmony

BUILD
In tune with Holy Angels
All Who Will Believe.

OUT-CHORUS
Perfect blending, peaceful love,
Pure praise within a song
NOTES OF ENDLESS MELODY
TO LAST a lifetime long.

Cheers,
Terry

#1035655 - 01/10/14 09:58 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Terry G]  
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Lisa Moon Offline
Serious Contributor
Lisa Moon  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Indiana
Thank you so much Terry, I like it. I also like the title faith. I had called it 'little girl" as I waited on the chorus to be developed. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Many blessings to you!

#1035681 - 01/11/14 02:01 AM Re: Little Girl [Re: Lisa Moon]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
Top 100 Poster
Terry G  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for showing your appreciation.

I sort of forgot that you already had the title on the home page and that's why I looked for another one -- thinking that there wasn't one.

But hey, how about this to give your song a touch of double entendre or whatever it is called.

Verse one

Faith was a little girl
Who talked to God above
She asked Him, please, please listen (more musical)
AS she told Him of her love

Like "faith" came in the form of this little girl

Cheers,
Terry

#1035818 - 01/12/14 12:46 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Terry G]  
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Lisa Moon Offline
Serious Contributor
Lisa Moon  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Indiana
Terry I really like the feel of that, do you think it makes the transition to I at the end o.k.?

It's late at night and here I lay some
twenty years have passed. It's a true story. I spent 16yrs. in prison. They were seeking the death penalty on me in the beginning. I was innocent of the crime but guilty due to my lifestyle and addictions, if that makes sense. God in His mercy delivered me from prison and addictions. All I have ever had is faith. Not sure?

#1035850 - 01/12/14 06:43 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Lisa Moon]  
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Jim Colyer Offline
Top 30 Poster
Jim Colyer  Offline
Top 30 Poster

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 7,712
Nashville, Tennessee usa
I would leave it like it is and call it a poem.

#1035857 - 01/12/14 07:33 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Jim Colyer]  
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Lisa Moon Offline
Serious Contributor
Lisa Moon  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Indiana
Thanks Jim, you may be right. Wasn't sure about this one as a song, that's another reason I put it out there for critique. I was really struggling with a chorus. Thank you for your feedback.

#1035877 - 01/12/14 09:26 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Lisa Moon]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
Top 100 Poster
Terry G  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Lisa,

The transition to I is a very good songwriting move structurally; so much so and so smooth and natural that i hadn't even given it thought. a listener kind of already assumes that it is going to turn out to be about you.
A MUSICAL BRIDGE would serve very well as a transitional "section" or a Bridge with words would work too. But a bridge usually serves to add new info or whatever and you don't really need new info because the lyric is self explanatory . . . therefore, an INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE would be perfect.
__________

Now even though you are a newbie at songwriting, you need to trust yourself and to not be too easily swayed by the opinions of a writer, or by the general consensus of other amateur writers who aren't any more commercially successful than yourself though they may have written many lyrics.

You came to a songwriting forum because you want to write a song or songs. I'm here to encourage you to strive for your original aspiration songwriting.
There's a Holy and personal reason for your choice.

All of us in the early stages wrote poetry or lyrics that were too poetic. But good poetry is an art unto itself and your lyric doesn't have the fine points that constitute good poetry but it does very definitely lean towards song lyrics. Even your use of "notes" and "melody" are indicators of that.

I think of lyrics as conversational poetry. In a way it is a dumbing down of pure poetry.

When an interviewer called Dylan a poet he said, "I'm not a poet, poets drown in lakes . . . I'm a song and dance man." good sense of humor.
Dylan's lyrics are so effective and rhyme so well and are phrased so perfectly that it isn't any wonder non-songwriters want to call his lyrics poetry.

Cheers,
Terry

#1035881 - 01/12/14 10:07 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Terry G]  
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Lisa Moon Offline
Serious Contributor
Lisa Moon  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Indiana
Terry, You are a gift. Thank You! I know that this is a confirmation from the Lord because my writing style has been compared likewise previously on more than one occasion. Out of the mouth of two or three witness is everything confirmed. I know that God has good things in store for you! I tried to listen to your music but could not find a link. I've had a lot of issues with navigation through this site. Being gone so long did not lend itself well to understanding new technology. I'm learning but feel a little awkward yet. Did I overlook a link on your profile?

#1035895 - 01/13/14 12:58 AM Re: Little Girl [Re: Lisa Moon]  
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Terry G Offline
Top 100 Poster
Terry G  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 3,005
Salt Spring Island, B.C.
Hi Lisa,

I'm glad you felt reassured.

No you didn't miss anything, I have several lyrics in the back pages of JPF but I've never put my songs (words & Music) on a web site. I've been thinking about doing it lately though.

God bless,
Terry

P.S.
Found one of my song lyrics on Page 475. Wow, that was 2005.
It is called Rama Lama.
You'll find the page numbers at the bottom of the songs posted page.
Go to LAST and then go backwards to 475.


#1036405 - 01/18/14 01:00 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Terry G]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,092
nightengale Offline
Top 100 Poster
nightengale  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,092
Eugene, Or USA
Hi Lisa,
My first impression was that it was a great poem, but

reading the posts, it feels like I'm watching it develop as a

nice little song!

Geneva

#1036659 - 01/20/14 03:11 AM Re: Little Girl [Re: nightengale]  
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Lisa Moon Offline
Serious Contributor
Lisa Moon  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Indiana
Thank You Geneva.

#1036758 - 01/21/14 06:42 AM Re: Little Girl [Re: Lisa Moon]  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,541
Michele Howlett Offline
Top 100 Poster
Michele Howlett  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,541
Hunter Valley NSW Australia
Hi Lisa

Looks like Terry gave you a good helping hand, great writer, smile love the story, well done.

Me I'm still learning so I find it hard enough to write my own songs,lol, let alone critic another here. crazy One day I hope to be able to give good advice. I'm slowly getting better and better.

Goodluck with your song.

Hugs Michele

Last edited by Michele Howlett; 01/21/14 06:43 AM.
#1036777 - 01/21/14 11:20 AM Re: Little Girl [Re: Michele Howlett]  
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,774
Calvin Offline
Top 10 Poster
Calvin  Offline
Top 10 Poster

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 19,774
Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
deleted

#1036912 - 01/22/14 02:16 PM Re: Little Girl [Re: Michele Howlett]  
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Lisa Moon Offline
Serious Contributor
Lisa Moon  Offline
Serious Contributor

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 97
Indiana
Thank You Michelle, God Bless you! I feel the same as you. Not wanting to critique the gifting of others, yet that is how we all learn and grow. We have to start somewhere right. Thank you for your feedback, it is much appreciated.

#1036981 - 01/23/14 11:07 AM Re: Little Girl [Re: Lisa Moon]  
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,541
Michele Howlett Offline
Top 100 Poster
Michele Howlett  Offline
Top 100 Poster

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,541
Hunter Valley NSW Australia
Hi Lisa

Sometimes I do see things in others lyrics, but some times I don't. If I do I will let you know, very challenging this songwriting, but I love a challenge. I had a bit of a break due to personal stress, and I missed all here, but I'm back and I'm happy to be here. smile

I'm a bit tired now, sleep I've been teaching a 23 yr old young lady how to bake good home recipes, and we just baked 120 Cookies, you should of seen her face of how proud she was when we finished. Yummy, lol. laugh

See you round the boards, and nice to meet you. smile

Hugs Michele


Last edited by Michele Howlett; 01/23/14 11:10 AM.

Support Just Plain Folks

We would like to keep the membership in Just Plain Folks FREE! Your donation helps support the many programs we offer including Road Trips and the Music Awards.


Membership
Join Just Plain Folks
to receive the free
JPNotes Newsletter!
*this is separate from
message board registration*

Newest Members
jane_song, NancyHuebner, Gareth_Glakin, PaulCanuck, MikeNez
21228 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums116
Topics119,406
Posts1,125,590
Members21,228
Average Posts Daily43
Most Online1,589
Oct 4th, 2019
Just Plain Quotes
"I'd rather starve than eat poison food" -Brian Austin Whitney
Today's Birthdays
coalminer (40)
Popular Topics(Views)
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.0