JPF Home Page Forums Lyric and MP3 Feedback Lyric Feedback Forum 3 Little Girl

This is my first time using this forum so here goes. I'm working on a song and I cant get a chorus. I want to use halleluiah but not sure if the song even works.

Once there was a little girl who
talked to God above,
she asked Him to please listen and she
told Him of her love
Sometimes at night she'd lay awake just
Waiting for a sign
Be He kept silent watch of her for
It was not yet time
(chorus ?)
Then late one night as sleep set in her
Eyes flew open wide.
As angel voices sang their song of
Praise to the most high
Perfect blending, peaceful love, pure praise within a song
The notes of which have stayed with her and
Will a lifetime long.
(chorus)
It's late at night and here I lay some
Twenty years have passed
And still my Lord there is just no end of
Questions I have asked
But just as then I'll wait this out
assured one day I'll see
Your quiet watch and perfect love were
Right in harmony
In tune with Holy Angels and
All Who Will Believe.
(Chorus)?

Lisa Moon

Hi Lisa Moon,

Very nice, romantic and honest feel.

Here's my GENERAL idea of structuring your words into a music ready lyric.
Lyric changes in CAPS.

FAITH

Once there was a little girl who
talked to God above,
she asked Him to please listen and she
told Him of her love

Sometimes at night she'd lay awake just
Waiting for a sign
Be He kept silent watch of her
FOR It was not yet time

CHORUS
Perfect blending, peaceful love,
Pure praise within a song
SHE LISTENED FOR THE NOTES OF A MELODY
THAT WOULD LAST a lifetime long.

Then late one night as sleep set in
HER eyes flew open wide.
As angel voices sang their song of
Praise to the most high

It's late at night and here I lay some
Twenty years have passed
And still my Lord there is just no end of
Questions THAT I ASK

CHORUS
Perfect blending, peaceful love,
Pure praise within a song
NOTES OF AN ENDLESS MELODY
THAT WOULD LAST a lifetime long.

But just as then I'll wait this out
Assured one day I'll see
Your quiet watch and perfect love were
Right in harmony

BUILD
In tune with Holy Angels
All Who Will Believe.

OUT-CHORUS
Perfect blending, peaceful love,
Pure praise within a song
NOTES OF ENDLESS MELODY
TO LAST a lifetime long.

Cheers,
Terry

Thank you so much Terry, I like it. I also like the title faith. I had called it 'little girl" as I waited on the chorus to be developed. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. Many blessings to you!

Hi Lisa,
Thanks for showing your appreciation.

I sort of forgot that you already had the title on the home page and that's why I looked for another one -- thinking that there wasn't one.

But hey, how about this to give your song a touch of double entendre or whatever it is called.

Verse one

Faith was a little girl
Who talked to God above
She asked Him, please, please listen (more musical)
AS she told Him of her love

Like "faith" came in the form of this little girl

Cheers,
Terry

Terry I really like the feel of that, do you think it makes the transition to I at the end o.k.?

It's late at night and here I lay some
twenty years have passed. It's a true story. I spent 16yrs. in prison. They were seeking the death penalty on me in the beginning. I was innocent of the crime but guilty due to my lifestyle and addictions, if that makes sense. God in His mercy delivered me from prison and addictions. All I have ever had is faith. Not sure?

I would leave it like it is and call it a poem.

Thanks Jim, you may be right. Wasn't sure about this one as a song, that's another reason I put it out there for critique. I was really struggling with a chorus. Thank you for your feedback.

Hi Lisa,

The transition to I is a very good songwriting move structurally; so much so and so smooth and natural that i hadn't even given it thought. a listener kind of already assumes that it is going to turn out to be about you.
A MUSICAL BRIDGE would serve very well as a transitional "section" or a Bridge with words would work too. But a bridge usually serves to add new info or whatever and you don't really need new info because the lyric is self explanatory . . . therefore, an INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE would be perfect.
__________

Now even though you are a newbie at songwriting, you need to trust yourself and to not be too easily swayed by the opinions of a writer, or by the general consensus of other amateur writers who aren't any more commercially successful than yourself though they may have written many lyrics.

You came to a songwriting forum because you want to write a song or songs. I'm here to encourage you to strive for your original aspiration — songwriting.
There's a Holy and personal reason for your choice.

All of us in the early stages wrote poetry or lyrics that were too poetic. But good poetry is an art unto itself and your lyric doesn't have the fine points that constitute good poetry but it does very definitely lean towards song lyrics. Even your use of "notes" and "melody" are indicators of that.

I think of lyrics as conversational poetry. In a way it is a dumbing down of pure poetry.

When an interviewer called Dylan a poet he said, "I'm not a poet, poets drown in lakes . . . I'm a song and dance man." good sense of humor.
Dylan's lyrics are so effective and rhyme so well and are phrased so perfectly that it isn't any wonder non-songwriters want to call his lyrics poetry.

Cheers,
Terry

Terry, You are a gift. Thank You! I know that this is a confirmation from the Lord because my writing style has been compared likewise previously on more than one occasion. Out of the mouth of two or three witness is everything confirmed. I know that God has good things in store for you! I tried to listen to your music but could not find a link. I've had a lot of issues with navigation through this site. Being gone so long did not lend itself well to understanding new technology. I'm learning but feel a little awkward yet. Did I overlook a link on your profile?

Hi Lisa,

I'm glad you felt reassured.

No you didn't miss anything, I have several lyrics in the back pages of JPF but I've never put my songs (words & Music) on a web site. I've been thinking about doing it lately though.

God bless,
Terry

P.S.
Found one of my song lyrics on Page 475. Wow, that was 2005.
It is called Rama Lama.
You'll find the page numbers at the bottom of the songs posted page.
Go to LAST and then go backwards to 475.

Hi Lisa,
My first impression was that it was a great poem, but

reading the posts, it feels like I'm watching it develop as a

nice little song!

Geneva

Thank You Geneva.

Hi Lisa

Looks like Terry gave you a good helping hand, great writer, love the story, well done.

Me I'm still learning so I find it hard enough to write my own songs,lol, let alone critic another here. One day I hope to be able to give good advice. I'm slowly getting better and better.

Goodluck with your song.

Hugs Michele

deleted

Thank You Michelle, God Bless you! I feel the same as you. Not wanting to critique the gifting of others, yet that is how we all learn and grow. We have to start somewhere right. Thank you for your feedback, it is much appreciated.

Hi Lisa

Sometimes I do see things in others lyrics, but some times I don't. If I do I will let you know, very challenging this songwriting, but I love a challenge. I had a bit of a break due to personal stress, and I missed all here, but I'm back and I'm happy to be here.

I'm a bit tired now, I've been teaching a 23 yr old young lady how to bake good home recipes, and we just baked 120 Cookies, you should of seen her face of how proud she was when we finished. Yummy, lol.

See you round the boards, and nice to meet you.

Hugs Michele