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#1031158 - 12/02/13 01:22 AM In My America  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
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Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Revised lyric 12/13

In My America
Chorus
Doo doo
In my America choice is free
work each day we can build a lot
In my America we are at peace
each person alive has a vision to be
In my A mer eeeai ri ca
verse
Even though we have misery
fallout, hatred
and swelling seas

people love life
and hope remains
giving where they can
to those in need

Doo doo
Chorus
In my America choice is free
work each day we can build a lot
In my America we are at peace
each person alive has a vision to be
In my A mer eeeai ri ca

verse
the world changes but we stay strong
when structures crumble
we shore them up

Let's make something
that grows again
where towns and people
love their land

In my A mer eeeai ri ca √
In my A mer eeeai ri ca
Bridge
the tired, the hungry and weak
still deserve a home in peace
Chorus
In my America it 's written in our hearts
walk honestly you can do a lot
In my America love is free
everyone has reason to be
In my A mer eeeai ri ca



Hi

was nice to have a visit from my muse in 2013 once anyway : ) - here's the rough I'm playing around with -- If you have any suggestions they will be considered and many thanks for listening !

http://youtu.be/GjEUJ1YU9pU


In My America © joicemarie 2013


Intro -Doo doo

Chorus
In my America the promise we got
live honestly you can build a lot
In my America we all live free
each person alive has a vision to be
In my A mer eeeai ri ca

Verse
In this life we have misery
fallout, hatred
a swelling sea

Doctors , priests
the richest men
can't make the lost (ones)
alive again

Break -Doo doo

Chorus
In my America the promise we got
live honestly you can build a lot
In my America we all live free
each person alive has a vision to be
In my A mer eeeai ri ca

Verse
We see nothing stays the same
when worlds crumble
love and faith remain

Let's make something
that grows again
where towns and people
work Hand in Hand

Refrain
In my A mer eeeai ri ca √
In my A mer eeeai ri ca

Bridge
the tired, the hungry and weak
still deserve a home in peace

Chorus
In my America it 's written from the heart
walk honestly you can build a lot
In my America we walk free
everyone has reason to be
In my A mer eeeai ri ca

Last edited by Joice Marie; 12/13/13 05:40 PM.
#1031161 - 12/02/13 01:52 AM Re: In My America [Re: Joice Marie]  
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TamsNumber4 Offline
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TamsNumber4  Offline
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Posts: 4,120
New Hampshire
Joice!!

Howdy friend and neighbor, so very happy to see you here!! I miss you!!

Love the song, love the melody, the only thing that makes me wonder is the "walk honestly you can build a lot"...not sure that line is the best it can be, but love the rest!

So happy to see and hear you!!

Tammy


http://tammyjann.com/
https://soundcloud.com/tamsnumber4
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1038504

Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it...
Professor Albus Dumbledore




#1031164 - 12/02/13 02:38 AM Re: In My America [Re: TamsNumber4]  
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E Swartz Offline
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E Swartz  Offline
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Ohio
Hey Joyce!

Nice melody & vocal tone. "Smile, darn ya smile!"

steady-eddie.

#1031189 - 12/02/13 11:01 AM Re: In My America [Re: E Swartz]  
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Calvin Offline
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Calvin  Offline
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Okeechobee, Florida U.S.A.
Hi Joice,

Good to see you in here.
And you're sounding good too.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart


#1031194 - 12/02/13 12:35 PM Re: In My America [Re: TamsNumber4]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Originally Posted by TamsNumber4
Joice!!

Howdy friend and neighbor, so very happy to see you here!! I miss you!!

Love the song, love the melody, the only thing that makes me wonder is the "walk honestly you can build a lot"...not sure that line is the best it can be, but love the rest!

So happy to see and hear you!!

Tammy


Thanks for your Kind Welcome back Tammy and nice feedback also.

Thinking about that line
maybe I will try "walk honestly you can DO a lot"

The shift seems important in my mind because we often (or our inner critic) stop the possibilities by fear of trying/failing.... anyway I will work on that thought, Thank you !

jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#1031195 - 12/02/13 12:37 PM Re: In My America [Re: E Swartz]  
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Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Hi Eddie

Thanks for listening -- I'm smiling : )

It's the concentration I need when I'm learning and working out a new song --- eventually when I know it I will be sure to smile . Thanks for the reminder

jm

#1031196 - 12/02/13 12:39 PM Re: In My America [Re: Calvin]  
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Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Originally Posted by Calvin
Hi Joice,

Good to see you in here.
And you're sounding good too.

Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart



Thanks Calvin for listening ! Nice to have a new song to share - I appreciate you taking the time

jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#1031200 - 12/02/13 01:54 PM Re: In My America [Re: Joice Marie]  
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Dan Sullivan Offline
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Dan Sullivan  Offline
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MI
Joice Marie, I really like the melody and the hook/refrain "In my America." I'd experiment with rearranging the structure of the song and also look harder at the lyrics. You might start the song with the "In my America" refrain, singing it twice before going into the the verse. There also seems to be two slightly different verse melodies.

MELODY ONE
In my America the promise we got
live honestly you can build a lot
In my America we all live free
each person alive has a vision to be
In my A mer eeeai ri ca

MELODY TWO
In this life we have misery
fallout, hatred
a swelling sea

Doctors , priests
the richest men
can't make the lost (ones)
alive again

I like the second melody and might stick with that throughout the song, going back and forth with that melody and the "In My America" refrain.

I'd also dig deeper on the lyrics, telling us what America means to you without using cliches and catch phrases. It's always tricky writing patriotic songs without resorting to cliches and platitudes we've heard a hundred times before.

With that melody and refrain you've definitely got something good to work with. It's good already. I'd try to polish and shine it into a great song.

Best of luck with it.


Write from your heart, not what you think others want to hear.

https://dansullivan2.bandcamp.com

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/dansullivan2
#1031203 - 12/02/13 02:03 PM Re: In My America [Re: Dan Sullivan]  
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,489
Lisa Gundling Offline
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Posts: 8,489
Hi Joice,

It's so nice to see you AND hear you -- it's a very nice song and I enjoyed the listen! (I thought maybe adding something at the end about "our America" but, maybe not!)

Lisa




#1031219 - 12/02/13 05:01 PM Re: In My America [Re: Dan Sullivan]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Originally Posted by Dan Sullivan
Joice Marie, I really like the melody and the hook/refrain "In my America." I'd experiment with rearranging the structure of the song and also look harder at the lyrics. You might start the song with the "In my America" refrain, singing it twice before going into the the verse. There also seems to be two slightly different verse melodies.

MELODY ONE
In my America the promise we got
live honestly you can build a lot
In my America we all live free
each person alive has a vision to be
In my A mer eeeai ri ca

MELODY TWO
In this life we have misery
fallout, hatred
a swelling sea

Doctors , priests
the richest men
can't make the lost (ones)
alive again

I like the second melody and might stick with that throughout the song, going back and forth with that melody and the "In My America" refrain.

I'd also dig deeper on the lyrics, telling us what America means to you without using cliches and catch phrases. It's always tricky writing patriotic songs without resorting to cliches and platitudes we've heard a hundred times before.

With that melody and refrain you've definitely got something good to work with. It's good already. I'd try to polish and shine it into a great song.



Best of luck with it.



Hi Dan

My apologies for not labeling how I see the structure -- but I added it to the post now. I was actually hearing what you pointed out as Chorus and verse melodies --- so that's why they are different. I also tried starting with the verse first -- but decided to have the chorus open.

In earlier lyric -- I had More Cliches -- (ha ha) -- from biblical quotes to the constitution , doctors/ lawyers for instance -- so I Do understand the sentiment -- but it's not easy -- since it is a universal subject and as you know, been done before ... I appreciate your time and I will try to continue to evolve it through performance.

jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#1031409 - 12/04/13 05:32 PM Re: In My America [Re: Joice Marie]  
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 13,325
Michael LeBlanc Offline
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Michael LeBlanc  Offline
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Louisiana
Hey Joice,i really enjoyed this one!Mike

#1031598 - 12/07/13 12:33 AM Re: In My America [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Feb 2007
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Kevin Emmrich Offline
Kevin Emmrich  Offline


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Posts: 10,750
Crozet, VA
It is been awhile since I've have heard me a "joice" song. Your playing live a lot has really improved the quality of your voice. I guess proper practice does make perfect! Have you heard of or tried Streetjelly yet (it's on on-line busking site). You would fit right in.

A very nice listen.


"Good science comes in peer reviewed journals. Conspiracy theories come in YouTube videos. "
Kevin @ bandcamp: Crows Say Vee-Eh (and Kevin @50/90 2019)
#1032347 - 12/13/13 05:30 PM Re: In My America [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Hi Lisa

Thank you for your thoughts and it did help - I have a newer lyric I'll post above

jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#1032348 - 12/13/13 05:30 PM Re: In My America [Re: Michael LeBlanc]  
Joined: Dec 2005
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Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Thank you Michael for listening
jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#1032349 - 12/13/13 05:33 PM Re: In My America [Re: Kevin Emmrich]  
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Joice Marie Offline
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Joice Marie  Offline
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 9,186
Cornish Flat, NH, USA
Hi Kevin and a Big thank you for the improvement nod ! It does help to perform live I think.

No on the Street Jelly - but I will check it out- I currently am trying to recover my voice from a cold - I'll post an upgrade to the lyrics here --- but the recording will have to wait for now.

Thanks for listening
jm


perfection is unattainable, excellence is totally within reach

http://www.youtube.com/joicemarie
http://www.myspace.com/lemonmcfartney
#1032457 - 12/14/13 04:27 PM Re: In My America [Re: Joice Marie]  
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Lisa Gundling Offline
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Posts: 8,489
Hi Joice -- OH! I like your changes VERY much....it seems much more harmonious, in keeping with the peaceful intent of the song! -- Lisa

#1032547 - 12/15/13 12:41 PM Re: In My America [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
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Michael W. Brown Offline
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Michael W. Brown  Offline
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Gun Barrel City, Texas
Another good'n! Small distraction with the buzzing/muted (and slightly off key) string heard throughout...otherwise, I liked it.
Keep up the nice work.


Write on, Man,
Michael W. Brown, f.k.a. "bluesriff"

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
Mahatma Gandhi

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