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#1027564 - 10/26/13 05:05 PM THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE

He still calls my number after midnight
says he can't sleep without a light
Told him better get used to the dark
pictured his face while he digested that remark

I've got a wreck on the line,call 911
the weepin' and a wailin's just begun
Like he's throwing his toys out of the crib
he'd the best years of my life - now it's my turn to live
Hey Man! Time you tried to move on!
I've got a wreck on the line call 911

He's found out what it's like sittin' alone
hopin' I'll be in when he needs to telephone
After tryin' the rest endin' with second best
took joy in sayin that to get it off my chest

she ran out on him disappeared in the mist
comes sulkin' back to me, when he's high on my butt kick list

I've got a wreck on the line,call 911
the weepin' and a wailin's just begun
Like he's throwing his toys out of the crib
he'd the best years of my life - now it's my turn to live
Hey Man!Time you tried to move on!
I've got a wreck on the line call 911

Last edited by Travis david; 10/28/13 08:22 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1027595 - 10/27/13 09:38 AM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,166
Roy Cooper Online content
Roy Cooper  Online Content

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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,166
very well written Travis. and clever as well...

I do some single word change suggestions, KOS

God Bless Roy and Helen

He still calls my number AFTER midnight
says he can't sleep without a light
Told him better get used to the dark
went kinda quiet WHILE he digested MY remark

SEEMS I've got a wreck on the line, call 911
the weepin' and a wailin's just begun
Can hear him throwing toys out of the crib
He had the best years of my life - now it's time to live
I'm Lookin' at my clock, well after one
SEEMS, I've got a wreck on the line call 911

He's found out what it's like sittin' alone
hopin' I'll be in when he needs to telephone
After tryin' the rest endin' with second best
took joy in sayin that to get it off my chest

she ran out on him disappeared in the mist
comes sulkin' back to me, when he's high on my butt kick list

SEEMS I've got a wreck on the line, call 911
the weepin' and a wailin's just begun
Can hear him throwing toys out of the crib
He had the best years of my life - now it's time to live
I'm Lookin' at my clock, well after one
SEEMS, I've got a wreck on the line call 911


'You Have To Kiss A Lot Of Frogs To Find A Prince'

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#1027599 - 10/27/13 10:50 AM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Roy Cooper]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Hi Roy
Thanks for your help and suggestions.I've used the first two in verse one.
Thanks
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1027641 - 10/27/13 02:35 PM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,470
Lisa Gundling Offline
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Lisa Gundling  Offline
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Hey Travis,

Good one -- hee, hee!

A couple of things -- in verse one, it says he's gone quiet, but then it launches into the chorus, with there's a wreck on the line. At that point, he's quiet, so she wouldn't be calling 9-11 -- yet. Maybe some beter transition there?

I really like the throwing toys out of the crib, but I wonder if, once it's sung, some people will take that too literally? I know you mean it metaphorically, but it does bring up the thought of whether they have kids, and whether the kids are with him. I don't know -- I think it pulls the listener out of the song a little.

Also, I don't think knowing it's 1 a.m. adds to the story in the chorus. I thought maybe you could use the space to further describe his tantrum?

Lisa


#1027651 - 10/27/13 04:59 PM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Lisa Gundling]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Posts: 11,642
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks for your help Lisa.I've changed the last line of v1 and the one Am in the chorus.On the the "crib" line I've changed it to "like he's throwing his toys out of the crib" So hopefully it doesn't give the impression of literally doing so?
Not sure if the chorus line works but the verse line seems too?
Travis

Last edited by Travis david; 10/28/13 06:40 AM.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1027707 - 10/28/13 06:36 AM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Done a little more on this to make it smoother
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1027746 - 10/28/13 03:46 PM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

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United States Oregon
Hey Travis,

Looks like I made it after the changes,

Either way I like it, it's a nice juxtaposed idea it brings to light how ones life can be as much a wreck emotionaly as any highway disaster we come upon. Very fun and intellectual write. Enjoyed it considerably.

Derek
aKa
tHaT
gUy


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#1027747 - 10/28/13 03:51 PM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Derek Hines]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Never been called intellectual before Derek lol quite the reverse at times specially by my wife.
Pleased you liked this one.Thanks for the comments and visit
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1027749 - 10/28/13 03:53 PM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 4,893
Derek Hines Offline
Derek Hines  Offline

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Posts: 4,893
United States Oregon
Well I know that one as well,

Though for me just like beauty Intellect is in the eye of the beholder. Capturing the picture as a song writer takes strong intellectual skills even if the words are blue collar the ideas may not be. This is certainly the case with this one. Good job!

Derek
aKa
tHaT
gUy


All the worlds a song and all the people Singers

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pageartist.cfm?bandID=740346
#1027820 - 10/29/13 07:45 AM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Derek Hines]  
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Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks once again Derek
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
#1027858 - 10/29/13 10:25 PM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: Travis david]  
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 4,092
nightengale Offline
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nightengale  Offline
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Posts: 4,092
Eugene, Or USA
Hi Travis,
I really like this one, love the hook, it's awesome!
I do have to admit, I was a bit confused on the first read or 2, I knew what you were saying, but almost read too much into it.

It's much clearer now
Great write!

Geneva

#1027907 - 10/30/13 04:33 PM Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE [Re: nightengale]  
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david Offline
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Travis david  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
Thanks for your comments Geneva pleased you liked this one
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde

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