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Loss
by Ricki E. Bellos. 12/12/19 03:34 PM
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Mexico
by David_Pulizzi. 12/10/19 11:36 AM
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#1027564 - 10/26/13 05:05 PM
THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
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THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE
He still calls my number after midnight says he can't sleep without a light Told him better get used to the dark pictured his face while he digested that remark I've got a wreck on the line,call 911 the weepin' and a wailin's just begun Like he's throwing his toys out of the crib he'd the best years of my life - now it's my turn to live Hey Man! Time you tried to move on! I've got a wreck on the line call 911
He's found out what it's like sittin' alone hopin' I'll be in when he needs to telephone After tryin' the rest endin' with second best took joy in sayin that to get it off my chest
she ran out on him disappeared in the mist comes sulkin' back to me, when he's high on my butt kick list I've got a wreck on the line,call 911 the weepin' and a wailin's just begun Like he's throwing his toys out of the crib he'd the best years of my life - now it's my turn to live Hey Man!Time you tried to move on! I've got a wreck on the line call 911
Last edited by Travis david; 10/28/13 08:22 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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#1027595 - 10/27/13 09:38 AM
Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE
[Re: Travis david]
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Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,166
Roy Cooper
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Top 100 Poster

Joined: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,166
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very well written Travis. and clever as well...
I do some single word change suggestions, KOS
God Bless Roy and Helen
He still calls my number AFTER midnight says he can't sleep without a light Told him better get used to the dark went kinda quiet WHILE he digested MY remark
SEEMS I've got a wreck on the line, call 911 the weepin' and a wailin's just begun Can hear him throwing toys out of the crib He had the best years of my life - now it's time to live I'm Lookin' at my clock, well after one SEEMS, I've got a wreck on the line call 911
He's found out what it's like sittin' alone hopin' I'll be in when he needs to telephone After tryin' the rest endin' with second best took joy in sayin that to get it off my chest
she ran out on him disappeared in the mist comes sulkin' back to me, when he's high on my butt kick list
SEEMS I've got a wreck on the line, call 911 the weepin' and a wailin's just begun Can hear him throwing toys out of the crib He had the best years of my life - now it's time to live I'm Lookin' at my clock, well after one SEEMS, I've got a wreck on the line call 911
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#1027641 - 10/27/13 02:35 PM
Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE
[Re: Travis david]
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Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,470
Lisa Gundling
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Top 20 Poster

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 8,470
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Hey Travis,
Good one -- hee, hee!
A couple of things -- in verse one, it says he's gone quiet, but then it launches into the chorus, with there's a wreck on the line. At that point, he's quiet, so she wouldn't be calling 9-11 -- yet. Maybe some beter transition there?
I really like the throwing toys out of the crib, but I wonder if, once it's sung, some people will take that too literally? I know you mean it metaphorically, but it does bring up the thought of whether they have kids, and whether the kids are with him. I don't know -- I think it pulls the listener out of the song a little.
Also, I don't think knowing it's 1 a.m. adds to the story in the chorus. I thought maybe you could use the space to further describe his tantrum?
Lisa
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#1027651 - 10/27/13 04:59 PM
Re: THERE'S A WRECK ON THE LINE
[Re: Lisa Gundling]
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Travis david
Top 10 Poster
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Top 10 Poster

Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,642
Kendal, Cumbria .UK
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Thanks for your help Lisa.I've changed the last line of v1 and the one Am in the chorus.On the the "crib" line I've changed it to "like he's throwing his toys out of the crib" So hopefully it doesn't give the impression of literally doing so? Not sure if the chorus line works but the verse line seems too? Travis
Last edited by Travis david; 10/28/13 06:40 AM.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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