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Joined: Dec 2004
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Hi Everyone,

Here's a new song that I just finished. I'm thinking possibly country-pop ballad...maybe...Sorry that it's really rough and bare bones, I haven't had a chance to arrange it yet. Comments and critiques welcome! Thanks!

- Karen

*NEW EDITED SECOND VERSION*

https://soundcloud.com/k-mack-the-songwriter/you-had-me-at-goodbye


YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE
(c) 2013 by K. Maquilan

Sometimes second chances come too late
When two old friends must go their separate ways
You packed your life in one big truck
While I squeezed in our one last hug
But it killed me when the tears spilled on your face

'Cause you had me at goodbye
And it took me by surprise
It slapped me down like lightning
That clapped down from summer skies
Though I've known you all my life
It's now I finally realized
I never knew I loved you
Till you had me at goodbye

You've always been the kid next door to me
We stole candy from a store and climbed those old oak trees
But now the kid is all grown up
You've traded your crayons for makeup
Now I wanted more than a box of memories

'Cause you had me at goodbye
And it took me by surprise
It slapped me down like lightning
That clapped down from summer skies
Though I've known you all my life
It's now I finally realized
I never knew I loved you
Till you had me...

Race after you in my old blue Chevy
My heart's pumping hard, and my breath hit heavy
Swallowed my pride, 'cause there's no more time
To say the words that burned my mind:

'Cause you had me at goodbye
And it took me by surprise
It slapped me down like lightning
That clapped down from summer skies

'Cause you had me at goodbye
And it took me by surprise
It slapped me down like lightning
That clapped down from summer skies
Though I've known you all my life
It's now I finally realized
I never knew I loved you
Till you had me at goodbye
You had me at goodbye

Last edited by kmaquilan2000; 09/15/13 01:57 PM.
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Hey, Karen. I'm a former NYC area guy who writes country. I read the first 2 lines and thought "this doesn't sound like country". Then I listened to the music and same thing. On the other hand, it's a really good song. My advice would be to take the country references out of it and just stick with a fine pop song. Btw, I don't know if you know Kenny Chesney did You Had Me From Hello. Maybe that was the impetus for this. I'm not sure just twisting the title to goodbye really works as a phrase. I think maybe this should be I Lost You From Goodbye. Whatever you do, good luck with it. smile

Bill


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I think this is very good...Bill has made some valid remarks.
For the bridge and its rapid word delivery, maybe the piano could be more on the one count as the following stanza, to more easily catch the lyric, which in turn could be the same style as the chorus.
It is very good.

Last edited by Neil Cotton; 09/03/13 05:13 PM.
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Karen,

I'd go along with what Bill said. There's an awful lot of good stuff here. Strong lyric, strong melody. IMO, the only problem is the title line. I understand where it comes from, but I don't think the "switch" works. The rest of the song is too good to have that title "bring it down a bit". It should still use (end with) the word Goodbye, but find another phrase that works there. When you hit the right one... it will put this over the top.

floyd

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Hey Karen,

This is one great song, and it's only at the moment just a formatted work tape.

Everything is working for me. Strong vocal line, solid hook, great piano riff to counterplay the melody, and solid song structure.

As you haven't even considered the arrangement yet it really could go in any direction it chooses. You envisage this as a country piece ? I suppose so, but it feels to me more suited as a power pop/rock ballad, but that could easily change.

Small nit ? I'd play around with the chorus music structure a little. It is a bit clichéd in that regard, but easily "fixed" simply by playing around with the bass line a bit and trying some different relative chording around the melody line. That will give it a more original feel. Equally you may want to look at altering the timing to create something a bit more out there.

It's a great tune, and I look forward to hearing your ideas on it's arrangement.

cheers, niteshift

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Hi Everyone,

So sorry that I haven't responded back until now, it has been pretty hectic on my end - however, I just wanted to thank everyone who commented or at least checked out the song!

I also wanted to apologize for all the country purists who were offended that I called this a "country" song. I don't see this a country song in the way that country should - I really meant it more being country as much as Taylor Swift calls herself country (rather "fake" country). LOL In essence, it's a pop/rock ballad that I can picture a country singer singing (similar to Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You"). :-)

Regarding the lyrics - I agree with all of you with the title hook, but I feel that the word "lost" or "left" may not work, as in the bridge, the main character attempts to chase after the girl to tell her how he feels - I actually changed the hook to "You Had Me AT Goodbye".

I also agreed with the comments on make the tune less "country" and into more of a "pop/rock" song, so the new version I've done has the country references deleted (except for the old oak tree). :-)

Niteshift - I agree with you on the chord changes in the chorus, it's just that when I was writing this, I was on a deadline and needed some basic chord structure to finish the song.

I've finished a new draft w/ the lyrics (hopefully it will be the last), and currently working on a more polished arrangement, so hopefully it should be done in the next few weeks!

Anyone else would like to give it a shot? :-)

Thank you all again!

-Karen

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Karen,

I think this is good! It does sound like a modern country ballad to me.....not traditional country of course.

A couple of suggestions -

I think the phrase "special chances" could be better, especially in the opening line. It is an unusual choice.

The word makeup is stressed differently from how we normally say it to make it rhyme with grown up - it sounds forced. Should be a better way to handle that.

Cheers,

Colin


Colin

I try to critique as if you mean business.....

http://colinwardmusic.com/

http://rosewoodcreekband.com/


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Karen, I like this a lot. It sounds more pop due to your vocal style--and maybe should stay within that genre. Having said that, I think this could be modern country with a country singer and a few small added music arrangement additions.

My reaction is the piano should be backed off volume about 2 dec to allow your lead vocal top presence, especially with the verses, you come through pretty good with the chorus.

I wouldn't mind having the piano player give you a little more rhythm build as you quickly enter the key change to accentuate that transition. I would also experiment at that same juncture with a serious pause, then key change, for a even more dramatic more suspenseful key change transition--I think either will work fine, but dramatize it--JMO.

I think you have a great song, decide genre, add a little polish and good luck!!!!!!!!11

Nice write!

steady-eddie.

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Karen,

I really liked this one! You sounded very assured and I thought the lyrics were really well-written. I liked the twist on the title.

My only thing is that I am not sure that I really see this as a country song because of your vocal style, but I think with a country singer and arrangement that it could work. :-) Your chorus melody was very memorable, I have it still running in my head about five minutes after finishing the song.

Give it a little more polish and I think this could really go somewhere. You have strong lyrics and melody working here. smile

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Hi Karen,

This sounds lovely -- you have a beautiful voice!

I listened the other day but didn't come in here because I couldn't decide whether "you had me with goodbye" worked for me or not, as Bill had mentioned too. I kept thinking and thinking, imagining that I was listening to it on the radio, and I realized today that if I had to think that much about it, then maybe that's telling me something. I don't know what it's telling me, but I thought I'd throw my muddled thoughts out! I loved everything else -- that kept being a sticking point with me, but I'm on the fence!

Lisa




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Hi Everyone,

Colin, Eddie, Cecile, and Lisa - thanks again for the kind words and the suggestions!

I've read them all and incorporated some of your suggestions to this new rough draft. FYI - it's still the working piano accompaniment only as I'm still building the demo version as I type this; however, the lyrics have been polished a bit more. Enjoy! :-)

Karen

https://soundcloud.com/k-mack-the-songwriter/you-had-me-at-goodbye

YOU HAD ME AT GOODBYE
(c) 2013 by K. Maquilan

Sometimes second chances come too late
When two old friends must go their separate ways
You packed your life in one big truck
While I squeezed in our one last hug
But it killed me when the tears spilled on your face

'Cause you had me at goodbye
And it took me by surprise
It slapped me down like lightning
That clapped down from summer skies
Though I've known you all my life
It's now I finally realized
I never knew I loved you
Till you had me at goodbye

You've always been the kid next door to me
We stole candy from a store and climbed those old oak trees
But now the kid is all grown up
You've traded your crayons for makeup
Now I wanted more than a box of memories

'Cause you had me at goodbye
And it took me by surprise
It slapped me down like lightning
That clapped down from summer skies
Though I've known you all my life
It's now I finally realized
I never knew I loved you
Till you had me...

Race after you in my old blue Chevy
My heart's pumping hard, and my breath hit heavy
Swallowed my pride, 'cause there's no more time
To say the words that burned my mind:

You had me at goodbye
And it took me by surprise
It slapped me down like lightning
That clapped down from summer skies

You had me at goodbye
And it took me by surprise
It slapped me down like lightning
That clapped down from summer skies
Though I've known you all my life
It's now I finally realized
I never knew I loved you
Till you had me at goodbye
You had me at goodbye

Last edited by kmaquilan2000; 09/15/13 05:34 AM.
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Karen, I don't know if changing "with" to "at" in the chorus made the difference, or I'm just looking at this with different eyes, but I think this rewrite version is terrific, that the hook really is working. Great job and good luck with it

Bill


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Hi Karen....I can't give you any suggestions that haven't already been posted....I will say that this is lovely, and keep on writing those little gems. I can feel the fun and excitment through your performance....keep it up!
-Tom

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I LOVE the way you sing this, THANK YOU for sharing you're cool talent.


Calvin


http://www.soundclick.com/bands/0/calvinstewart

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Hi Tom and Calvin,

Thanks so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it!

Karen


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