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Mutlu
by Gary E. Andrews - 04/15/24 07:08 PM
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 924
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OP
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(Vs)
I've heard the expression "If these walls could talk"
I say that they sometimes do
Through all the pictures hanging along the stairs,
the hallway and living room
(Vs)
Heard it said "A picture's worth a thousand words"
but there's something worth more than that
Like the sweet memories that they bring to mind
and the feelings that they bring back
(Ch)
I've seen moving pictures
That bring a needed smile
I've seen moving pictures
That often brought me tears
I've seen moving pictures
That stay with me awhile
Many moving pictures
That span through many years
(Vs)
"You can't bring back the past" isn't always true
Just take a look upon your wall
It is hanging right there to relive again
Through the memories of it all
(Ch)
I've seen moving pictures
That bring a needed smile
I've seen moving pictures
That often brought me tears
I've seen moving pictures
That stay with me awhile
Many moving pictures
That span through many years
© L. James Tanner
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/08/13 04:15 AM.
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HIJames
A good theme for a song which many ideas could be incorporated.
For instance;
photo of my darlin' loved those pretty eyes
but later on when things went wrong
they held the cheatin' and her lies
That sort of thing more depth perhaps?
Best of luck for a great idea
Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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HIJames
A good theme for a song which many ideas could be incorporated.
For instance;
photo of my darlin' loved those pretty eyes
but later on when things went wrong
they held the cheatin' and her lies
That sort of thing more depth perhaps?
Best of luck for a great idea
Travis
Thanks for reading and the comment and suggestion Travis, it is always appreciated. I am working on a bridge for this that will give the meat I think it needs and that you suggested. It's proving tougher than I thought for some reason though. Grr
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/08/13 02:27 PM.
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James, I'm going to give you a tough review only because I think the hook is so great. I'd probably keep that last verse as a possible bridge. I think you need to rewrite the first 2 verses and the chorus. This should be dripping with poignancy. This is the kind of hook a pro writer would come on here and steal and write the neck out of it. It's a nice little song now, but it's got a world of potential. Good luck with it
Bill
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James, I'm going to give you a tough review only because I think the hook is so great. I'd probably keep that last verse as a possible bridge. I think you need to rewrite the first 2 verses and the chorus. This should be dripping with poignancy. This is the kind of hook a pro writer would come on here and steal and write the neck out of it. It's a nice little song now, but it's got a world of potential. Good luck with it
Bill Bill I am very appreciative of your critique and comment. When you say hook in this case, what do you see as the hook?...I know somewhat of what a hook means, but it would help if you clarified as to what you see as the hook. I took the hook as being "Moving Pictures maybe?" (I'm guessing) And if you could and have the time, I was wondering what you see as being needed to get that "poignancy" to help give me a nudge in the right direction. I am very grateful for a "tough" review because I want to better my writing and especially this lyric because I am drawn to it very much.
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/08/13 03:21 PM.
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The hook would be "moving pictures". Work on the multiple meaning. Don't say there are pictures that bring back memories or make you cry. Describe the events in the pictures that touch you. See someone with you at watching a movie, moving around, moving on, moving away from you. Don't go V-V. One strong verse, maybe a prechorus, then chorus. Then again. You've got one line, your first one, not a whole verse, to set the scene. Use it well.  Finally the bridge. Lose the "sayings".The song Paint Me A Birmingham comes to mind for some reason. Look up the lyric if you don't know it. Paint a couple of those pictures. I'm shocked McCoy gave you such an easy time at that other site. Must have caught him on a good day James, let me clarify my POV. I've been used to writing songs with the intention of pitching them in Nashville. If you don't have that kind of expectation, then you can just take my comments with a grain of salt. As I've said, you'e got a nice song. If you'e just looking to tweak it, ignore me and just get some more comments from other members.
Last edited by Bill Osofsky; 08/08/13 08:14 PM.
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good start James!Ya got some good sugs already so i'll scoot on out!Mike
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I'm liking this one.
I thought maybe one more verse or something to take it a bit further.
Good 'un.
Phil.
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I'm liking this one.
I thought maybe one more verse or something to take it a bit further.
Good 'un.
Phil. Thanks for reading and the comment Phil. I'm working on a re-write and a second version of this, but I'm finding it taxing at the moment and may let it sit some to look at it fresh later.
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The hook would be "moving pictures". Work on the multiple meaning. Don't say there are pictures that bring back memories or make you cry. Describe the events in the pictures that touch you. See someone with you at watching a movie, moving around, moving on, moving away from you. Don't go V-V. One strong verse, maybe a prechorus, then chorus. Then again. You've got one line, your first one, not a whole verse, to set the scene. Use it well. Finally the bridge. Lose the "sayings".The song Paint Me A Birmingham comes to mind for some reason. Look up the lyric if you don't know it. Paint a couple of those pictures. I'm shocked McCoy gave you such an easy time at that other site. Must have caught him on a good day James, let me clarify my POV. I've been used to writing songs with the intention of pitching them in Nashville. If you don't have that kind of expectation, then you can just take my comments with a grain of salt. As I've said, you'e got a nice song. If you'e just looking to tweak it, ignore me and just get some more comments from other members. Hi Bill, I just now saw your edited post. I really have a feeling for the concept and idea of this lyric, especially with your suggestions, and although I often feel I'm too much of a green horn for Nashville, that is always my goal, to get one made before I kick the bucket. I am in the process of a huge overhaul of this lyric and it is my hope to get your honest opinion on the next draft, just as you offered on this one. I am very appreciative of your help and candor and look forward to your critique.
Last edited by L. James Tanner; 08/14/13 03:52 PM.
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Good luck with it, James. Gonna have to reach down deep Bill
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