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I am proud to post another great work by Dave (GocartMoz) and myself. This one is especially close to my heart as it was written in part for my Aunt Ruth, may she rest in peace. Thank you Dave.

https://soundcloud.com/gocartmoz/he-fell-through-the-cracks

This is my 3rd collab with Bryan and he couldn't be any more a joy to work with. Thanks for sharing your lyric with me Bryan. I found them to be poignant and heart-felt. I am going to post them here ...

He Fell Through the Cracks
David S. Becker - Music B.K. Williamson - Lyrics
(c) 2013 Becker/Williamson Music
All Rights Reserved

VERSE 1
Well he looked to the sky with wide open eyes
And the sky was lookin’ back at him
It scorned an’ it growled as he fell to the ground
wondering what bad thing he did

He got up an’ he ran just as fast as you can
but the sky head him off at the pass
An’ as quick as you please it brought him to his knees
an’ everyone had a good laugh

Chorus:
And he was just ten years old
goin’ on forty to life
He had taps on his shoes an’ pockets of gold
He had wondrous dreams through his nights
And he never got tired an’ he never got mad
at the laughter he knew at his back
It was the part of his brain that wasn’t insane
that made sure he fell through the cracks

VERSE 2
As he made his way home confused an’ alone
the teardrops fell from his eyes
But he liked to pretend that he had many friends
So no one could know that he cried

As he went on with life the years cut like a knife
Lines so deep through his face
But his smile it remained through his heartache and pain
His sole company in that place

REPEAT CHORUS
SOLO

Guys, nice co-write! I enjoyed this song, especially musically--I always really like your rhythm guitar playing Dave--people think playing rhythm is easy--it is easier than lead, but you can't bend and stretch notes as you can with lead. Rhythm guitar is a different animal that is actually more unforgiving than lead with general timing, so great job.

Performance is good all round, I'm listening on good quality head-phones, and it sounds that your lead vox to harmony ratio is about 60% lead to 40% harmony (or actually a bit closer.) I'd back off the harmony a decibel or two to keep it in support--yet still strong -- it's a very good blend however.

The lyrics are poignant, but very general in nature. Not sure, but maybe a couple of clear examples of why the tears might help relating better to the lyrics. I have no idea why they laughed at him at the end of the 2nd verse or why he was crying except that he was embarrassed. "But his smile it remained," insinuates he was smiling earlier within the story--he wasn't.

I really like the lyrical concept, but for a song, it may be a little deep for quick comprehension IMO. I'd rather see a couple of heartbreaking examples with a chorus expounding his determination, even though the end may still be bleak.

Just some thoughts, I usually comment more on music than lyrics--I guess I was in that mood, and your music is in great shape. You have very good prosody with the lyrics, and the lyric music flow is very good--but to reach people's heartstrings, you need a story that is less ambiguous IMO. Lot's of potential here guys!

steady-eddie.

Hey Eddie,

Thanks for your listen. I always appreciate your in depth analysis. I had never really attempted a dual vocal throughout the vast majority of a song before and wanted to give it a try on this. I am not sure it succeeded and it may be able to be adjusted mix wise or just by dropping one of them. Nothing wrong with experimenting. Thx for the comments on the rhythm playing. I enjoy rhythm playing actually much more than lead. Thx again for the comments.

Dave

what a gem Dave and Bryan!A throat choker upper!Mike

Thanks Mike!! Appreciate your stopping by.

Bryan

Thx fr giving this a spin Micael. It is much appreciated.

Dave

Thanks Eddie,

I appreciate the advice. I wrote two more verses but really don't know if I will put them in. I think leaving a little info out is not a bad thing. It makes people use their imagination a little more and create their own reality / story to relate to.

Best Days,
Bryan

Hi Dave and BK,

This sounds tragic and sad, and I very much wanted to relate to the little boy's pain, sort of drown in it while I was listening...but I think that a few more dots connected might help a lot. I was left doing more wondering than relating, going through various scenarios. I know that vagueness can be a great thing, so the listener can put his own feelings into it, but I thought it either needed to be either way more vague or a little more detailed. As it was, it sounds like a story that's almost told, but not quite. It's quite tragic and I get the feeling that something is terribly wrong with this boy....but then maybe he's just an ultrasensitive boy. But if he only has one part of his brain that's not insane....then I'm not sure.

Lisa

P.S. I got all wrapped up in the story line issue, and I neglected to say that it's a really cool song and it sounds great and there are so many amazingly compelling images....

DAVE AND BK--

This is another fine CO-LAB--I like it!

Keep up the good work together!

Mackie

Bryan/Dave

There are a bunch of really great images and lines in your song - although, I can't say I understand what it is about. And a cool sound to it as well. I could imagine a full band behind this doing a "Jethro Tull" treatment....

floyd

Hi Lisa,

Thank you very much for your comments!! It's true I left it quite vague but exactly for the reasons you mentioned. It does create a canvas in your mind to fill in the images and feelings. But... on the other hand I can see the frustration it may induce as well. The story is in part about a little girl, my Aunt Ruth, who lived with my family until my mom and dad passed. She was Autistic to the point of not being able to function in society outside of the home. She was in fact a very happy person and when she did feel the coldness of insensitive people fortunately those bad feelings passed quickly.

Hi Mackie,

Thanks very much for the kind words. They are greatly appreciated!!

Hi Floyd,

I hope the above explanation helped a bit.
I never really thought about a Tull sound with these particular lyrics but it makes me wonder. It could be quite interesting. I have always been a big Tull fan, especially his more theatrical works, such as "Thick as a Brick" and "Songs From the Wood".
Thanks for taking the time to comment!!

Best Days
Bryan

Brian,

I was just reading what you saying about your inspiration for this song--I think inspired lyrics can be the best. One reason I enjoy critiquing other's work, is that I learn from it from a couple of ways: 1) Obviously you exercise an analytical perspective which makes you think & analyze; & 2) reading the responses from comments that I make, (or others make) allow me to perhaps see another perspective which in turn may benefit me as well.

I just realized a valuable lesson here, and that is that when writing lyrics, since the listener does NOT have the writer's "incite" for perhaps truly understanding the writer's message or lyric direction-- conveying that message or story needs to be expressed whether clearly, subtle, or cleverly--but conveyed to the listener without the benefit of the writer's incite. (unless your talking about the "White album of course or abstract writing)

steady-eddie.

Hey Eddie,

Yes... I agree 100%. That was an issue for me while writing my first manuscript, no doubt. I still have to take a second, third and fourth look back to make sure I don't fall into that habit. It is very easy to do. My books are based on my life with a creative license taken to create a fiction work. Another set of eyes that always are the hardest to pull anything over are my wife's. If there is a harsher critic out there I haven't found them yet.

Thanks again,
Bryan

Another fine duo effort fellas. It's a good lump in the throat story but methinks it would be stronger with some more detail thrown in for clarity. Why were people laughing at him? Things like that. You don't have to spell out everything but it would make the listener more sympathetic or empathetic. As is it's a bit nebulous although the emotion is still carried out with the music and delivery so you're almost there. I don't know how much sense that makes at 2:30 in the morning but I know what I mean. lol

Stevie