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Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 319
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Rewrite with Chris B's chorus suggestion and help with verses.


Bobby Joe


Verse:

Summer was when I first saw you
Only a skinny girl of thirteen
Flying barefoot through the air
In faded, old blue jeans

Verse:

Your blond hair drenched in sunlight
Poured out like melted streaks of gold
Freckles sprinkled across your face
When my blue eyes nearly froze

Verse:

Boby Joe you stole my heart
Like a thief running out the door
Never knowing you held a secret
That it's just you I adore

Verse:

Ever since we were teens, I've seen
Love throw you into the dark blind
I've wanted to pull you into my arms
To tell you what's' on in my mind


Chorus:

Bobby Joe,
You still don't know
We're running out of time
Bobby Joe,
I love you so,
I want to make you mine

Verse

My mind shattered when I watched you
Wandering in a torn pink floral gown
Black and blue bruises marked your cheeks
Jumping in water trying to drown

Verse:

I followed you into the lake
Swam behind you and grabbed your hand
Pulled you out and held you close
Carried you like a hurt little lamb

Verse:

Your lips parted into a smile
I brushed back your wet dripping hair
You whispered softly who are you ?
And why do you even care.?

Chorus:

Bobby Joe,
You still don't know
We're running out of time
Bobby Joe,
I love you so,
I want to make you mine

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S
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S
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Bobby Joe,
My love for you is always on my mind.
In times gone past,i have tried
to hide my love for you,
but now before it gets/becomes too late
I long to show you how i feel.

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Nice one, Summer. Before we get to the chorus, I wanna touch on the verses. In the first half of the song, I think V3 and V4 are much stronger than V1 and V2, so much so, you could almost switch and go V3, V4, V1, V2. If you really wanted to tighten it up, I think you could go V3, V4, Ch, V5, V7, Ch without losing much of the story.

And some suggestions for the chorus...

Bobby Joe,
You still don't know
We're running out of time
Bobby Joe,
Please don't go
I'm gonna help you change your mind

Last edited by Chris B.; 07/22/13 12:28 AM.

73's & 88's Good Buddy!
Chris Bohlman
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Thank you for your suggestion, I really was having a problem with the chorus.



Summer

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Thank you so much Chris, I reversed the verses I think it reads better, and used your chorus suggestion. I just couldn't see a chorus. I wonder if the song needs a bridge. I didn't think so.
Unless verse 2 could be one.

Thanks again


Summer grin

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I have no suggestions Summer but I do like the way this one is going and will return when my brain slots into gear again(could be a long wait lol)
Best of luck with it
Travis


We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Hi Summer, this is a nice tale. I like a good storyline.

I wondered if line 3 in verse 3 should have been 'I' instead of 'you' - or is it just me!

Phil.

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Thanks Travis, for stopping by and having a look, it's people like you that are encouraging to keep on writing.


Thanks Again

Summer

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Hi Summer,

I saw this briefly yesterday, and when I came back today -- I love the way it sounds with the verses switched around! It does make it much stronger! You've got a very nice little ballad here....very touching story!

One thing that struck me....the fact that she had no idea who he was when she saved him...I don't know, because he was noticing her when she was 14, and we don't know how old he is....I thought it would be better if she does know who he is, especially since he's been watching her so closely throughout her life. Otherwise, it could, wrongly, seem a tad creepy, since we just don't know!

Also, in the verse about a thief running out the door....I thought maybe:
Never knowing you STOLE a secret

Lisa

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Thanks Phil for stopping by, and commenting, but I think since she stole his heart, she's has the secret in his heart. Just my way of looking at it.

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Lisa, I put the third verse back in, explaining they were both teens, when he saw her been treated like dirt by men. Thanks for your comments. As always I appreciate them.


Summer grin

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Thanks Sarahlee, I appreciate you looking in and your suggestion.




Summer


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