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Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 319
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Rewrite with Chris B's chorus suggestion and help with verses.
Bobby Joe
Verse:
Summer was when I first saw you Only a skinny girl of thirteen Flying barefoot through the air In faded, old blue jeans
Verse:
Your blond hair drenched in sunlight Poured out like melted streaks of gold Freckles sprinkled across your face When my blue eyes nearly froze
Verse:
Boby Joe you stole my heart Like a thief running out the door Never knowing you held a secret That it's just you I adore
Verse:
Ever since we were teens, I've seen Love throw you into the dark blind I've wanted to pull you into my arms To tell you what's' on in my mind
Chorus:
Bobby Joe, You still don't know We're running out of time Bobby Joe, I love you so, I want to make you mine
Verse
My mind shattered when I watched you Wandering in a torn pink floral gown Black and blue bruises marked your cheeks Jumping in water trying to drown
Verse:
I followed you into the lake Swam behind you and grabbed your hand Pulled you out and held you close Carried you like a hurt little lamb
Verse:
Your lips parted into a smile I brushed back your wet dripping hair You whispered softly who are you ? And why do you even care.?
Chorus:
Bobby Joe, You still don't know We're running out of time Bobby Joe, I love you so, I want to make you mine
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Joined: Jul 2013
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Bobby Joe, My love for you is always on my mind. In times gone past,i have tried to hide my love for you, but now before it gets/becomes too late I long to show you how i feel.
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Nice one, Summer. Before we get to the chorus, I wanna touch on the verses. In the first half of the song, I think V3 and V4 are much stronger than V1 and V2, so much so, you could almost switch and go V3, V4, V1, V2. If you really wanted to tighten it up, I think you could go V3, V4, Ch, V5, V7, Ch without losing much of the story.
And some suggestions for the chorus...
Bobby Joe, You still don't know We're running out of time Bobby Joe, Please don't go I'm gonna help you change your mind
Last edited by Chris B.; 07/22/13 12:28 AM.
73's & 88's Good Buddy! Chris Bohlman
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Thank you for your suggestion, I really was having a problem with the chorus.
Summer
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Thank you so much Chris, I reversed the verses I think it reads better, and used your chorus suggestion. I just couldn't see a chorus. I wonder if the song needs a bridge. I didn't think so. Unless verse 2 could be one. Thanks again Summer
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Joined: Jun 2011
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I have no suggestions Summer but I do like the way this one is going and will return when my brain slots into gear again(could be a long wait lol) Best of luck with it Travis
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
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Joined: Sep 2006
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Hi Summer, this is a nice tale. I like a good storyline.
I wondered if line 3 in verse 3 should have been 'I' instead of 'you' - or is it just me!
Phil.
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Thanks Travis, for stopping by and having a look, it's people like you that are encouraging to keep on writing.
Thanks Again
Summer
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Hi Summer,
I saw this briefly yesterday, and when I came back today -- I love the way it sounds with the verses switched around! It does make it much stronger! You've got a very nice little ballad here....very touching story!
One thing that struck me....the fact that she had no idea who he was when she saved him...I don't know, because he was noticing her when she was 14, and we don't know how old he is....I thought it would be better if she does know who he is, especially since he's been watching her so closely throughout her life. Otherwise, it could, wrongly, seem a tad creepy, since we just don't know!
Also, in the verse about a thief running out the door....I thought maybe: Never knowing you STOLE a secret
Lisa
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Thanks Phil for stopping by, and commenting, but I think since she stole his heart, she's has the secret in his heart. Just my way of looking at it.
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Lisa, I put the third verse back in, explaining they were both teens, when he saw her been treated like dirt by men. Thanks for your comments. As always I appreciate them. Summer
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Thanks Sarahlee, I appreciate you looking in and your suggestion.
Summer
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