Originally Posted by Deej56
Fdemetrio,

I like the sound of this one—Third Eye Blind type feel to this one, but also, particularly in the chorus, a The Cure sound. Really like the chorus on this . . . the antibody, anybody rhyme you have working there is catchy. There are a few lines in the verses that I think are lost opportunities, and strike me as a bit forced (e.g., “such a pretty thug” and “this one had me beat, she grew up on the street”). You can get by with them on the strength of the chorus—which is catchy as hell—but with some tweaking I think you can take this from good to great. Just something to think about.

Gotta admit, with this and “A Lot of Life to LIve” you’ve surprised me. They are by far the best offerings I’ve seen from you. It’s really good to see.

My best regards to you,

Deej


Thanks D, all rhymes are forced in my opinion, it makes a case for not rhyming at all. I mean, in a serious conversation who goes around rhyming the last word as they speak, so its always forced, I guess the trick is to not make it so obvious and let it flow as its sung. I think you wouldnt notice the rhyme if you didnt read it on paper. I dont have alot of words to work with the way the melody is set up.

Ive been writing for a long time, my main problem is I get bored fast and dont follow through. I have shoeboxes worth of music that hasnt been looked at since I first put it down.

Well, that would be a first for me be compared to The Cure, I do like them, but never in a million years would I expect that one!

Appreciate the ears!

Last edited by Fdemetrio; 01/22/20 11:46 AM.