Gavin,
Not sure I can add much to what has been suggested but here goes. I would vote for third person because of what you said, it kind of creates a movie effect where you can put yourself into the scenes you describe. I also think maybe the tempo is a little fast and bright for such a melancholic feel from the lyrics. It could work maybe, if you added some strings and toned the piano down a bit.
Just an opinion and we know we all have those so feel free to keep or sweep.
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