I got a lot of advice from folks here about this song, and I actually listened to it smile Cheyenne and Ricki both thought that it would be better in the first person, and others commented that I needed to add interest musically. I switched to first person, added strings and accordion and made a couple of other tweaks.

The new version is at the original link here: New Version

I'm not sure whether third or first person is best, and I'm too close to the song to judge, so any comments about that are particularly welcome. The original third person version is here: (although I realize it's a lot to ask you to listen to both): Original Version