Gavin,

I'd like to think a careful reading of the lyrics reveals the story quite well (assuming I'm reading it right). But to Vic's comment, the melody doesn't quite pull in the listener. The first verse (and those that follow) work well, but, for me; I get lost in what I think is the chorus (beginning "For as long as")--there's a lot melodically that works, but it doesn't flow for me. So a tighter, stronger melody there--a bit of tweaking, could take this up a notch.

All that said, really like your vocal here--fits the mood really well. And the melodic lift on the lines like "he holds her in her longing arms" is magnetic. . . which you hit on couple of different lines. And the contrast between the first verse (gap in the shutters) and the second (half-drawn blinds) is well done.

Keep with this one, Gavin . . . it has a raw, attractive honesty and sincerity that resonates. I will anxiously await the next version!

All the best,

Deej